She was my first sexual experience at age 12. Neither of us knew what we were doing. She was 11. The first one is always the most memorable. We really thought we were in love, and did it many times. We did it in our parents cars, in the garage, everywhere. My parents divorced and I moved, and was separated from her. We reunited after more than 30 years, and I truly thought we were still in love. We traveled together even during COVID. We laughed together, cried together, had so much in common, great sex, etc. We were in love. My life reached its peak in 2021. I made the most money I ever made in my life from 2020-2022 because I was motivated, and that was during COVID and lockdowns. I was in the best physical shape of my life, and I was in my 40s. I was healing many past relationships, including with family that I hadn't spoken to in years. Life was so good. Then the most awful thing happened.
She was married the whole time, and had been married for a long time. I knew something was wrong for a long time. But I was so happy that I wanted our life and tried to ignore the signs. She ran her own business and most of her work was online. She lived in an apartment so we could be at "her place" sometimes and at my place at other times. There was no need to distrust her. I had the key to her place and vice versa. But she had a house like a mile away from that apartment that she and her husband lived in for a long time.
Sometimes I wish I didn't get curious and want to heal the pit of burning pain in my heart that was caused by knowing something was wrong. Just wish I remained ignorant. She loved me and made me feel like a complete man. But I needed to know. A few months ago, she left my place to go home. I ran to my other car that she didn't know was mine, to follow her. When she took an exit off the freeway that she had no business taking, my heart sank. She pulled into the driveway of her house, got out of the car, and went inside. I had never seen this house until that day. Now my heart was racing, I was sweating, I was crying, I was shaking, etc.
She texted me a few minutes later, saying "I'm home baby. Have a good day working. We doing my place or yours tonight?" I didn't write her back because I was still in shock. Instead I just sat in my car a few doors down, watching that house. A few hours later, I see her and him walk out together. They were arguing about something. I couldn't hear it. But he got in his truck and drove off. I followed him, only to find out that he was the apartment manager where her apartment was. Apparently she doctored some paperwork to make it look like the unit was leased by someone (there were like 80 units in the complex, so I guess she could do it without him noticing), and we lived 40% of our reunited life together there.
I honestly did not move an inch for two hours. I'm surprised I was breathing. Shock and hurt. She texted me again, asking if I was okay because neither of us would ever ignore the other's texts. I told her I missed her and was coming to her house right now. She gave an excuse that she had client calls all day and now is not a good time. But the message was so awful and beautiful at the same time. I still have it in my phone. "Aww baby I miss you too..so much. And I love you so much! Come by at 4. I got dinner tonight, but only if we have sex beforehand! <kiss emoji>". I cried harder than at any point in my life, and i didn't know if it was sad cry, happy cry, or what.
I sat in my car a few doors down from her house for hours until she came out at 3. I recorded her driving from there to the apartment. I watched her get out of the car, basically wearing pajamas and looking like she just woke up. I walked into her apartment a little after 4. She was wearing the sexiest lingerie I'd ever seen her wear. I was still recording, with the phone on my hip. "The underwear are edible," she said. That was our relationship. It was beautiful. I stared at her motionless for a minute, she asked what's wrong, I rattled off the address of her house. I said her husband's name and showed her a picture of his truck that was like 100 feet from where we were.
I cannot heal. I'm in my 40s. If she was lying to me like that for two years, what kind of lies was she telling her husband of at least 15 years to get away with this for 2 years?? This relationship was fake from the start. What lies was she telling her friends and family? She apologized, pleaded, begged. I never knew what feeling empty, worthless, defeated and dead meant until that day. And that feeling won't end. I've tried. I just hope she finds a way to be happy with her husband. I'm sure he has no idea about me because she's a vile liar.
I should have been dead years ago. I wish I never felt what I felt in 2023. I'd rather never love at all than go through this. I'm not a bad looking guy. I have prospects, a little money and a business. I'm a decent catch. And I just cannot buy a break in life. I can't live in this world. My parents divorce, my lifelong psychological issues as a result, my STD (herpes) that I got from reckless sexual behavior, but that eventually healed after many years and hasn't shown up or bothered me in over 15 years, etc. I had the courage to tell her about that and that I believe I'm healed. She didn't care. We had unprotected sex everyday. She never got the disease. I knew I was healed from the disease; and kind of felt like she helped heal me from the trauma and the actual disease. But I'll never heal from this.
Sorry for the rant, everyone. I'm just trying to figure out this adapter thing for the nitrogen/SCUBA method. I've screwed up everything in my life. I have no kids, no friends, no family really, I'm 40-something, and have no motivation to do anything. Why?? For what? She made me want to live and to thrive, and now I don't have that. And feminism means the real woman pool is very, very shallow and almost non-existent in the US.
Life is really that fragile. I'm too old to do this again or experience this again. And too old to have time to heal from this. She was even talking about still ovulating at her age, and perhaps artificially inseminating for us to have a baby. I didn't want kids at this point in life. But if she did and we were together, I was all for it. Then the truth came out. Thank god the kid thing never happened.
I'll be gone no later than February 28. Just some loose ends to tie up. I hate myself. I hate this world. I'm crying. I'm drunk. I've been drunk everyday since the New year. I thought I was such a good man. But I cannot live like this, alone, hurt, and just this world in general. We were going to buy a house together, my first house and I thought, her first house. No more apartments. No more living to pay rent. I will not see another birthday. It's time.
I'll be gone soon. And I should have been gone in 1999 because I knew then my life was over. Still have my journal. Nothing has changed since 1999. I truly knew. Goodbye...soon.
She was married the whole time, and had been married for a long time. I knew something was wrong for a long time. But I was so happy that I wanted our life and tried to ignore the signs. She ran her own business and most of her work was online. She lived in an apartment so we could be at "her place" sometimes and at my place at other times. There was no need to distrust her. I had the key to her place and vice versa. But she had a house like a mile away from that apartment that she and her husband lived in for a long time.
Sometimes I wish I didn't get curious and want to heal the pit of burning pain in my heart that was caused by knowing something was wrong. Just wish I remained ignorant. She loved me and made me feel like a complete man. But I needed to know. A few months ago, she left my place to go home. I ran to my other car that she didn't know was mine, to follow her. When she took an exit off the freeway that she had no business taking, my heart sank. She pulled into the driveway of her house, got out of the car, and went inside. I had never seen this house until that day. Now my heart was racing, I was sweating, I was crying, I was shaking, etc.
She texted me a few minutes later, saying "I'm home baby. Have a good day working. We doing my place or yours tonight?" I didn't write her back because I was still in shock. Instead I just sat in my car a few doors down, watching that house. A few hours later, I see her and him walk out together. They were arguing about something. I couldn't hear it. But he got in his truck and drove off. I followed him, only to find out that he was the apartment manager where her apartment was. Apparently she doctored some paperwork to make it look like the unit was leased by someone (there were like 80 units in the complex, so I guess she could do it without him noticing), and we lived 40% of our reunited life together there.
I honestly did not move an inch for two hours. I'm surprised I was breathing. Shock and hurt. She texted me again, asking if I was okay because neither of us would ever ignore the other's texts. I told her I missed her and was coming to her house right now. She gave an excuse that she had client calls all day and now is not a good time. But the message was so awful and beautiful at the same time. I still have it in my phone. "Aww baby I miss you too..so much. And I love you so much! Come by at 4. I got dinner tonight, but only if we have sex beforehand! <kiss emoji>". I cried harder than at any point in my life, and i didn't know if it was sad cry, happy cry, or what.
I sat in my car a few doors down from her house for hours until she came out at 3. I recorded her driving from there to the apartment. I watched her get out of the car, basically wearing pajamas and looking like she just woke up. I walked into her apartment a little after 4. She was wearing the sexiest lingerie I'd ever seen her wear. I was still recording, with the phone on my hip. "The underwear are edible," she said. That was our relationship. It was beautiful. I stared at her motionless for a minute, she asked what's wrong, I rattled off the address of her house. I said her husband's name and showed her a picture of his truck that was like 100 feet from where we were.
I cannot heal. I'm in my 40s. If she was lying to me like that for two years, what kind of lies was she telling her husband of at least 15 years to get away with this for 2 years?? This relationship was fake from the start. What lies was she telling her friends and family? She apologized, pleaded, begged. I never knew what feeling empty, worthless, defeated and dead meant until that day. And that feeling won't end. I've tried. I just hope she finds a way to be happy with her husband. I'm sure he has no idea about me because she's a vile liar.
I should have been dead years ago. I wish I never felt what I felt in 2023. I'd rather never love at all than go through this. I'm not a bad looking guy. I have prospects, a little money and a business. I'm a decent catch. And I just cannot buy a break in life. I can't live in this world. My parents divorce, my lifelong psychological issues as a result, my STD (herpes) that I got from reckless sexual behavior, but that eventually healed after many years and hasn't shown up or bothered me in over 15 years, etc. I had the courage to tell her about that and that I believe I'm healed. She didn't care. We had unprotected sex everyday. She never got the disease. I knew I was healed from the disease; and kind of felt like she helped heal me from the trauma and the actual disease. But I'll never heal from this.
Sorry for the rant, everyone. I'm just trying to figure out this adapter thing for the nitrogen/SCUBA method. I've screwed up everything in my life. I have no kids, no friends, no family really, I'm 40-something, and have no motivation to do anything. Why?? For what? She made me want to live and to thrive, and now I don't have that. And feminism means the real woman pool is very, very shallow and almost non-existent in the US.
Life is really that fragile. I'm too old to do this again or experience this again. And too old to have time to heal from this. She was even talking about still ovulating at her age, and perhaps artificially inseminating for us to have a baby. I didn't want kids at this point in life. But if she did and we were together, I was all for it. Then the truth came out. Thank god the kid thing never happened.
I'll be gone no later than February 28. Just some loose ends to tie up. I hate myself. I hate this world. I'm crying. I'm drunk. I've been drunk everyday since the New year. I thought I was such a good man. But I cannot live like this, alone, hurt, and just this world in general. We were going to buy a house together, my first house and I thought, her first house. No more apartments. No more living to pay rent. I will not see another birthday. It's time.
I'll be gone soon. And I should have been gone in 1999 because I knew then my life was over. Still have my journal. Nothing has changed since 1999. I truly knew. Goodbye...soon.
