Discussion If you're autistic, how do you feel about your autism?

[lonelyloner1999]

Before I block you, I gotta ask: what exactly is your goal here? Do you honestly think you can singlehandedly disprove a neurological condition's existence just because people can learn social skills? I'm very curious.

I'm not trying to prove disprove anything here even though my research does disprove it. I'm trying to help those who feel suicidal or low because of the label. That is my aim here.

 

[dragonofenvy]

Ashamed. I was diagnosed too late to be able to receive any support for it, and I'm developmentally stunted as a result. Have to constantly fight with my own executive dysfunction to be able to do anything, and I don't have friends because socializing is extremely difficult for me.

Even the supposed upside (special interests and the passion that comes from them) doesn't even feel like much of an upside. They're little more than obsessions that my mind fixate on because I can never do anything with them. What's the point of having special interests if I can't translate them into anything, like so many autistic people seemingly can? There's this perception that even though autistic people are lacking in some areas, they excel in others. I have yet to do so, because my best is painfully average by comparison.

I wish I could take pride in it like a lot of other autistic people can, but I don't see it as anything other than a hindrance.

I was lucky enough to get it early so I could get speech therapy. My speech was very delayed, and I couldn't even pronounce "R" sounds until I was 9. Even with the little help I got it still felt like I was out here playing on ultra nightmare mode while everyone else was on normal, as far as social circles go anyways. So I can't imagine how hard it must've been for you to not receive any help at all from such a young age.

My "Special interest" if you can call it that are computers and video games. I tried going down the computer science route and failed. Now it's just video games. What a useful skill to have when you need to pay bills right? But hey at least I can tell people that I'm good at a couple games! I don't think the perception people have is entirely accurate. I've known of a few that are just total degens and their life is completely ruined. Maybe they excel at fucking up their life? What are your interests anyways? Maybe an outside perspective can help you leverage them. I'd be willing to try. I can't guarantee you anything though.

I don't know how many people take pride in it. I do know that the #1 cause of death among autistic people is suicide. Maybe that's more telling than anything else. I made a whole thread about it if you want to depress yourself. Many people have a perception that it's a mild setback. It isn't. Not even close.

 

[lonelyloner1999]

I was lucky enough to get it early so I could get speech therapy. My speech was very delayed, and I couldn't even pronounce "R" sounds until I was 9. Even with the little help I got it still felt like I was out here playing on ultra nightmare mode while everyone else was on normal, as far as social circles go anyways. So I can't imagine how hard it must've been for you to not receive any help at all from such a young age.

My "Special interest" if you can call it that are computers and video games. I tried going down the computer science route and failed. Now it's just video games. What a useful skill to have when you need to pay bills right? But hey at least I can tell people that I'm good at a couple games! I don't think the perception people have is entirely accurate. I've known of a few that are just total degens and their life is completely ruined. Maybe they excel at fucking up their life? What are your interests anyways? Maybe an outside perspective can help you leverage them. I'd be willing to try. I can't guarantee you anything though.

I don't know how many people take pride in it. I do know that the #1 cause of death among autistic people is suicide. Maybe that's more telling than anything else. I made a whole thread about it if you want to depress yourself. Many people have a perception that it's a mild setback. It isn't. Not even close.

What level did you get to in the computer science field?

 

[dragonofenvy]

idk it's just kinda funny now i guess

What's funny about it if you don't mind me asking? I know some are kinda quirky and hilarious to be around since they make jokes and are self-deprecating. I sometimes try to be.

 

[LivingANDDying26]

I feel meh about it. I like aspects and hate others its mixed.. depends on the day and what is going on ig / how its impacting me.

 

[dragonofenvy]

What level did you get to in the computer science field?

College. All course work complete with a perfect GPA. Needed an internship to graduate. Never got one. Never got the piece of paper that said I was smart. Variety of reasons for this, COVID being one of them since this was during all the lockdowns. I thought maybe my resume was bad, but my instructors insisted that "this is the best resume I've seen in the class so far". Unlucky I guess. Or affirmative action kicked my ass. Who knows? So usually I just spend what knowledge I did get making little mods for myself for games that have something in them I don't like provided it isn't an enormous effort. My job now is as a delivery driver.

 

[lonelyloner1999]

College. All course work complete with a perfect GPA. Needed an internship to graduate. Never got one. Never got the piece of paper that said I was smart. Variety of reasons for this, COVID being one of them since this was during all the lockdowns. I thought maybe my resume was bad, but my instructors insisted that "this is the best resume I've seen in the class so far". Unlucky I guess. Or affirmative action kicked my ass. Who knows? So usually I just spend what knowledge I did get making little mods for myself for games that have something in them I don't like provided it isn't an enormous effort. My job now is as a delivery driver.

You tried live streaming? Maybe you can turn your passion for gaming into something that can generate some income for you.

 

[dragonofenvy]

You tried live streaming? Maybe you can turn your passion for gaming into something that can generate some income for you.

I've thought about it here and there. Here's a big problem with someone like me - I've spent my entire life trying, and failing nearly everything. So to convince me to try something new when I've failed so much is going to be difficult. I can come up with any excuse to not do it. Better to try to achieve a small goal to allow myself to think that it is possible to do something. I just have never been able to think about what small goal is meaningful enough for me to take pride in it.

 

[lonelyloner1999]

College. All course work complete with a perfect GPA. Needed an internship to graduate. Never got one. Never got the piece of paper that said I was smart. Variety of reasons for this, COVID being one of them since this was during all the lockdowns. I thought maybe my resume was bad, but my instructors insisted that "this is the best resume I've seen in the class so far". Unlucky I guess. Or affirmative action kicked my ass. Who knows? So usually I just spend what knowledge I did get making little mods for myself for games that have something in them I don't like provided it isn't an enormous effort. My job now is as a delivery driver.

I know of others that got into computer science without a College/University (where I'm from) degree. Look into bootcamps that hire you out to other companies temporarily. They will pay less to start off with but its a Good stepping stone. Once you have experience in the corporate setting getting more jobs becomes easier.

I've thought about it here and there. Here's a big problem with someone like me - I've spent my entire life trying, and failing nearly everything. So to convince me to try something new when I've failed so much is going to be difficult. I can come up with any excuse to not do it. Better to try to achieve a small goal to allow myself to think that it is possible to do something. I just have never been able to think about what small goal is meaningful enough for me to take pride in it.

I've tried and failed at many things as well. Feeling like a failure is hard to deal with. But if you don't keep trying then you are guaranteed to fail. You are entitled to feel how you I feel but if you don't like how feel and want to feel better the best chance you have is to keep trying and trying.

 

[Chr0nicAnhedonic]

I was lucky enough to get it early so I could get speech therapy. My speech was very delayed, and I couldn't even pronounce "R" sounds until I was 9. Even with the little help I got it still felt like I was out here playing on ultra nightmare mode while everyone else was on normal, as far as social circles go anyways. So I can't imagine how hard it must've been for you to not receive any help at all from such a young age.

My "Special interest" if you can call it that are computers and video games. I tried going down the computer science route and failed. Now it's just video games. What a useful skill to have when you need to pay bills right? But hey at least I can tell people that I'm good at a couple games! I don't think the perception people have is entirely accurate. I've known of a few that are just total degens and their life is completely ruined. Maybe they excel at fucking up their life? What are your interests anyways? Maybe an outside perspective can help you leverage them. I'd be willing to try. I can't guarantee you anything though.

I don't know how many people take pride in it. I do know that the #1 cause of death among autistic people is suicide. Maybe that's more telling than anything else. I made a whole thread about it if you want to depress yourself. Many people have a perception that it's a mild setback. It isn't. Not even close.

Oh I am keenly aware of the statistics; it's part of why I want to CTB. Nearly every demographic I'm part of has statistics pointing to an early grave for me.

Supposedly I'm on the lower end of the spectrum, so I can plausibly pass as neurotypical in most encounters (though this is becoming less true as I've gotten older). I didn't have any issues with speaking growing up, but I was/am prone to emotional outbursts because I'm overwhelmed or frustrated with something (meltdowns, as I now know them). I would regularly be seeing school counselors and therapists because of it and because I would be falling behind in school, but nobody considered autism as a possibility because I didn't show any obvious speech impediments. No, I was just lazy and acting out, or I was just depressed. It took me getting put in a psych ward to even get a diagnosis.

As for special interests, I kinda share your experience with that interest in computers and games. Went into compsci and was training to become a sysadmin, but gave up because it requires a lot of driving (I can't drive) and often requires you to come in at a moment's notice even on days off. I play a lot of video games still, but I'm not particularly good at any of them. I have a specific fascination with fighting games, but I recently had to give those up because I'm not able to get past my defeatist mindset and because my work schedule doesn't allow me to go to locals or tournaments. I also have obsessions with particular shows or anime, but I'm not able to say anything that hasn't already been said about them.

The pride aspect regarding autism is a more recent development as neurodivergence is more widely recognized and understood, so a lot of younger people especially are adopting it as part of their identity. There's a lot of creative types that self-identify as autistic or ND in some capacity, which contributes to this idea that autistic people are in fact gifted and just need to play into their special interests to hone their abilities. I know the savant stereotype isn't accurate to the lived experience of being autistic, but I can't help but feel like I'm some sort of fraud because I don't have some unique skillset or ability that I can derive from my interests.

 

[lonelyloner1999]

Oh I am keenly aware of the statistics; it's part of why I want to CTB. Nearly every demographic I'm part of has statistics pointing to an early grave for me.

Supposedly I'm on the lower end of the spectrum, so I can plausibly pass as neurotypical in most encounters (though this is becoming less true as I've gotten older). I didn't have any issues with speaking growing up, but I was/am prone to emotional outbursts because I'm overwhelmed or frustrated with something (meltdowns, as I now know them). I would regularly be seeing school counselors and therapists because of it and because I would be falling behind in school, but nobody considered autism as a possibility because I didn't show any obvious speech impediments. No, I was just lazy and acting out, or I was just depressed. It took me getting put in a psych ward to even get a diagnosis.

As for special interests, I kinda share your experience with that interest in computers and games. Went into compsci and was training to become a sysadmin, but gave up because it requires a lot of driving (I can't drive) and often requires you to come in at a moment's notice even on days off. I play a lot of video games still, but I'm not particularly good at any of them. I have a specific fascination with fighting games, but I recently had to give those up because I'm not able to get past my defeatist mindset and because my work schedule doesn't allow me to go to locals or tournaments. I also have obsessions with particular shows or anime, but I'm not able to say anything that hasn't already been said about them.

The pride aspect regarding autism is a more recent development as neurodivergence is more widely recognized and understood, so a lot of younger people especially are adopting it as part of their identity. There's a lot of creative types that self-identify as autistic or ND in some capacity, which contributes to this idea that autistic people are in fact gifted and just need to play into their special interests to hone their abilities. I know the savant stereotype isn't accurate to the lived experience of being autistic, but I can't help but feel like I'm some sort of fraud because I don't have some unique skillset or ability that I can derive from my interests.

I don't see anything wrong with your interests. They seem like normal healthy interests to me.

 

[Chr0nicAnhedonic]

I don't see anything wrong with your interests. They seem like normal healthy interests to me.

The interests themselves aren't the problem. It's that I'm not able or willing to use them to make something meaningful, like I stated.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Because you are smarter. That is why. Dumber people cant comprehend the fact that someone could be so much more intellectual than them it burns them to the core. I grew up bullied and the psychologist would label me "autistic" I have done so much research into this. Trust me. A lot of these tests are based on me in my younger years. Most of the symptoms of "autism" stem from childhood neglect. The people that studied psychology around my age bracket were the less intelligent so you have to take what they say with a grain of salt.

This is cope.