I want to die so much but this part scares me. I've read people here talking about listening to their playlist — I don't think this will calm me. What if I embrace the death watching beautiful movie scenes? I don't know. It's really hard. I don't have access to alprazolam or diazepam anymore since I tried OD.
pthnrdnojvsc
Extreme Pain is much worse than people know
- Aug 12, 2019
- 3,847
finally feel some joy because i finally did something rational to solve all my problems at once forever , the greatest victory of all time
Think I'm gonna post my experience on here so am not alone and hope ppl can calm me down and hope to god I don't panic and call for an ambulance. I don't think I'd be able to concentrate on doing anything else.
UserFromNowhere
Member
- May 4, 2025
- 86
Might be harsh, but if you're scared when you ingest the SN, you shouldn't do it in the first place. Take some time to question why you're scared of it, determine whether you actually want to go through the process, and only if you're able to assuage your fears should you make that choice. For me, if I do decide to take SN, it's because I've made the decision I truly want to die, which is why I'll be fine listening to a playlist as I wait for my last sleep to take hold. There's a fine line between survival instinct and being scared to die that this forum often conflates and it matters.
Mira Gaga
Member
- Oct 16, 2025
- 12
I'd probably still be self harming and cutting to make sure I get the job done. Maybe add a little antifreeze for good measure. Maybe also some painkillers or booze to numb the pain I guess.
vira
all my life is on me now
- Apr 28, 2025
- 117
blood might make you feel nauseous, if you were considering this and it wasnt a hypothetical
Mira Gaga
Member
- Oct 16, 2025
- 12
True. Maybe asphyxiation? I'd go through with Plan B just in case Plan A doesn't work.
I understand, and it's not a fear of death. Humans are not robots. I've been contemplating suicide for a long time. I can't stand to live. Yet I'm certain that some anxiety will hit me. When I tried to OD it made me agitated. They even recommend xanax in the SN Bible. It's not as simple as the Elephant Man sleeping for the last time, as romantic as that might be.
UserFromNowhere
Member
- May 4, 2025
- 86
That's fair. I'm not of the belief that humans are robots, but neither do I believe we're animals controlled by biochemical responses. Which is why I am left to wonder what I will experience in my final moments. Some people have said they felt relief, others felt enough panic to call emergency services, where each person lies is their own experience which cannot be determined until they commit to it.
Csmith8827
Strength.
- Oct 26, 2019
- 986
Not trying to hijack your thread but how is diazepam? I've been considering getting it but my funds aren't ready yet... they are....I have money I just don't want to spend it on that yet...if that makes sense. When I have more I will...but I've only taken Valium once or twice before...it was nice tho from what I recall...
I would love to be able to listen to the megaplaylist I've built up over a few years but it's like few hours long so probably just listening to one song and doing my best not to throw up
LostZombie
Transgirl Chemist
- Oct 10, 2025
- 84
I would just lay in bed, fall asleep, and peacefully drift off into my death. Just making it feel like any other day nothing special, just a normal day with a peaceful end to my life.
monetpompo
૮ • ﻌ - ა
- Apr 21, 2025
- 550
i would like to chill out in bed and not have to think about anything. i would probably feel anxious. i'd have everyone's number on my phone blocked so i don't text them anything out of panic. i think that i would just want to close my eyes and listen to some music. the certainty of death must feel like a safety blanket.
I attempted to kill myself with chloroform one time and, as I was laying there breathing it in waiting to lose consciousness, I was listening to a let's play on youtube and laughing. My attempt came at a time of pure emotional calm, so I did not feel nervous at all.
Irisse
Art belongs to Maksn (on yt)
- Sep 8, 2025
- 299
For me it didn't quite work as well as alprazolam. So I'd have to twke them both which sucked
attackingvertical
New Member
- Oct 20, 2025
- 4
I'd put on a movie or video essay, something light-hearted to keep my brain busy while it happens. I do the same thing when I'm trying to sleep or feel super anxious. That way there's something else to concentrate on and I'm not just going "AHH I'M STRESSED" in my head over and over. Never tried SN so I'm no expert, but a distraction may help?
I wonder if any of us can really judge how we will feel when we are actually doing it. When people fear the process, I think sometimes they may actually be imagining what their SI might be like. We've probably all had moments when we were afraid. Maybe looking down from a great height for example. I think just experiencing fear from time to time, we can become afraid of feeling fear itself- and- what it tends to do to us- we desperately just want to be out of danger. I know it's just drinking something but, I think I'll be scared too.
I think you can feel ready to die but, still fear the process. Perhaps it's fair to say that the need to die needs to be strong enough to get us over that fear. The big problem with DIY suicides is- we don't know what to expect.
So- say you were going in for a major operation tomorrow. You may still feel nervous about it. Even though you know that (hopefully,) these are trained professionals and that they will do all they can to limit the pain you are in.
With a DIY suicide though- we simply have no clue. How bad it will get, how long it will last, whether it will work, whether we will only maim ourselves. I think it's fairly rational to be concerned about all of that.
Not meaning to have a go at you. I do agree that the choice to suicide needs to be fully considered. Plus, it is absolutely worth considering- that if we do feel fearful- why? Are there any residues of hope for life left in all that? Still, I don't think the presence of fear necessarily means a person isn't sure about the decision itself. Not that I'm trying to encourage anyone here either.
As for me OP. If I ever have the guts to do it, I likely would be listening to music, rain sounds or, something relaxing. I'm thinking I want to cuddle hot water bottles to comfort me but really, I'll likely just be waiting in dread for it to take effect and, trying not to panic.
It's not impossible I will be crying. Again, not for some wish to live. Just in retrospect really. I've always struggled with death. There's been so much of it in my life. I suspect I'll be thinking of my dead family members as I pass.
OnMyLast Legs
Too many regrets
- Oct 29, 2024
- 257
Music is nice but honestly I wouldn't want to set up an "ideal" death. Kind of goes against my whole giving up vibe. I'd want to be distracted. Mediocre podcast chatter would do, then WHOOPS unconsciousness.
(Okay, MAYBE an actually good audiobook, Shakespeare or Moby-Dick or something)
(Okay, MAYBE an actually good audiobook, Shakespeare or Moby-Dick or something)
Carrot
Mage
- Feb 25, 2025
- 513
Sorry to hear about all this... but I think I'll buy some chloroform, anything to knock myself easier, even if not ideal. I even considered roofing myself at some point, but those are hard to get and suspicious.
Mooncry
꥟♡⏾
- Sep 11, 2024
- 263
Very well said. Fear of fear itself is such a real and difficult thing to overcome, for me anyway. I'm also scared of the complete relinquishing of control that comes with SN. In my specific circumstances, once I drink it, it's over. 100%. I don't live close enough to any medical facilities that would have the proper resources to help me. Nobody would find me fast enough even if I did. It's over, and that's why I need to be absolutely certain it's what I want. Because once its down the hatch, my fate is sealed.
That's both reassuring and terrifying, and right now, it's keeping me paralyzed with fear. I'm not quite sure how to go about overcoming it either. I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for an epiphany or something.
This thread is very helpful for me, because the 15 minute wait is what my mind lingers on the most. I'm not sure how I'm "supposed" to spend it. It's like I want to do something meaningful, but how meaningful can anything really be in such a short amount of time? I'm definitely overthinking it, I'm aware.
