I think knowing it was an option would give me so much peace. Like… a known expiration date I could choose would allow me to cope more.
This uncertainty I have about if I'll ever be able to CTB successfully or just have to suffer through an untold number of years until "natural" death makes agonising days even harder, and depression / anxiety worse and it swallows me.
I think if I knew I could easily access euthanasia, I would be able to focus better on making the time my mum has left on this earth good - see her more, embrace the good moments for what they are, however fleeting. Then, once she has passed, I would ensure my fur babies were placed in loving forever homes with people I truly trusted to care for them, donate all my stuff, leave my job, maybe spend whatever money I have saved to see a few places in the world I've always wanted to if my anxiety was under control, then head to my final destination to catch that bus as at peace with any decision I've ever made in my life.
To be honest, if I was financially well off enough to never have to work or engage with humans that I don't want to, I'd probably last a lot longer in my little disassociative bubble without all the stressors of debt, bills, work pressure, PEOPLE, societal expectation etc on top of debilitating grief. I'd still feel crappy as depression and anxiety and lifelong suicidal ideation doesn't go away but I would feel like I could breathe more. Breathe enough to see some final wonders. Then fade out.