I don't go for checks. But- it's complicated...
Years back, I got the most terrific pain in the chest. I thought it was a heart attack. I was ready to die so, didn't call for an ambulance. It was a work day though. After maybe half an hour, the very intense pain had subsided more or less but obviously- I hadn't died.
I still didn't feel well though and whatever it was felt serious. So- I called in sick to work and went in to a walk- in medical centre. Long story short- it was gallstones. Between my reluctance to see doctors and NHS incompetence, I'd had 13 more attacks over a space of many months before I couldn't cope anymore.
In that time, I'd become terrified to eat anything for fear of triggering an attack. But yeah- it got to the point where an attack happened but, the pain wasn't going- days and nights of it. Turns out a stone and bunch of sludge was now in the bile duct. I suspect that eventually could have lead to pancreatitus and possibly death. My Bilirubin results showed I was jaundice.
The thing I think people don't consider with allowing natural death to take them though is: How long it might take. How much pain they'll have to go through- even with pain killers. Whether they'll be able to work with that pain- if they can't afford to support themselves otherwise.
These things can take time even to diagnose. In which time- you could well be in pain. I'm not so sure it's as simple as it all being laid out for you- you have this cancer. It will take 6 months to a year to kill you. You'll experience this amount of pain. These are the pain killers we'll give you.
In my experience, I just wanted to be out of the agony and uncertainty I was in. I couldn't be sure it would ever kill me but, neither did I want to live with the threat of being in agony every so often.
I guess there were other reasons I didn't have the: 'I don't want treatment' conversation with them. I've been trying so hard to wait for my Dad to go first. I'm really not sure now though- if it happened again, what I'd do.
It just makes me wonder though too. How willing are doctors likely to be to support a patient in not wanting treatment? Will they be really generous with pain management? Or, will they get petty about it?
I imagine doctors would be pro- life. Wouldn't they at least ask why we don't want saving? Wouldn't they then push to treat things like depression? Which I imagine would be their assumption. I don't have a prolongued history of it. But- if they bothered to check, I was prescribed Fluoxetine years ago and more worrying, is the welfare check for SN. I'm sure they'd ask me about that. I just wonder how easy they would make it for us. Their duty is to care after all. Whether we want them to or not.
I even wondered what a good excuse would be. I don't think they'd like a dislike for life as an excuse because, they'd equate that with depression which presumably, they think they can cure. I thought maybe saying receiving treatment was against my religious beliefs could be a good tactic. (Not that I have any.) Who can argue with religious beliefs ultimately?
Although, maybe it would seem strange to accept pain relief but, not treatment. That would be my most major concern though- would the pain relief provided be sufficient if you didn't play their game? I wouldn't want to face something like cancer without it.
. Was it really painful? I hope you feel better now at least.
