If you became suicidal when you entered puberty you will never recover

[bigtasty]

That makes sense to me, I've always been suicidal for as long as I can remember, admittedly my memory sucks but I remember being around 10/11 and just wishing for death. 11 Years later, nothing has changed.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

My first post on this forum! I just want to say that my childhood was quite normal, I was never beaten, I was an only child and always could count on my mom. Yet after the age of 13, I did indeed expand my picture of the world, of the subjectivity of morality - and approximately since then, I could never fully understand why a human would ever choose to live, would ever desire life. How can you regain your values after turning a nihilist?

The only things that I wish I had had in my childhood are:

1) self-respect - my dad was distant, and at the same time allowed the friends of the family to critique my mother's child rearing (so I always wanted to be from a rigid, respected family with traditions and so on);

2) a totalitarian state - I have always sucked up to the authority, and living after the fall of the USSR is quite hard for me.

But at the same time, my "suicidal ideation" (whatever that means) is deeper, philosophical in nature, and I suspect, it would never leave me even if I lived in my utopia. This is why if I could ever change my life, I would probably choose to live as a chimpanzee - a pure Darwinian struggle, kill or be killed, an existence unmarred by the understanding of the boundaries of living. (Although who knows, maybe the higher-IQ non-human animals think of such stuff, too.)

I am writing this because I consider the depression-less and pain-less suicidal ideation not nearly enough represented on the Internet.

My questions thus are: Was my childhood indeed happy, and am I merely bratty? Do I have a higher-than-average IQ that leads me to see through the lies of life? Or am I just an autistic moron (I never formed connections with my peers, only with my mom and teachers)?

At the same time, maybe this forum is not for me, as you might say, "People have legitimate grievances with life, and here you are, a privileged prick that gets everything handed to you, and yet you are unfulfilled and ungrateful." Mind you, nobody in my life spoke to me like this, this is purely my trying to be fair, not to run into delusions of either grandeur or of inferiority...

When people talk about how bad their childhood was... How bad their life is... I cannot but think that they are more fortunate than me - those who hate their fathers choose to go and live an independent life, have children. Whereas I don't want any of that and don't necessarily want to live (although I don't desire immediate death either). How can I make sense of it?

When I read the stories of people, I feel as if suffering helps them. Do I need to suffer? As a YouTube comedian Jreg once said, "I want to die in a war". Maybe I do not know the boundaries of life, being so sheltered? And yet, I cannot leave the thought that I can never make myself fully embrace life...

This is such a joke. I myself am a militant atheist through and through, and I despise supernatural religion, and yet I feel as if I'm deeply Christian - deeply long for death! Mark Twain and Tolkien's words about how man is but a guest ring true to my soul.

I love this post I rarely see people who see the bigger picture like me, I hate to use the political labels but I am an strong atheist too I despise religion when people say God, Jesus, Allah etc. you might as well replace those words with Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy I find religion udderly rediculous there are thousands of religions that are thousands of years old and people devote their whole life to their imaginary friend if a person talks to an imaginary person he is a schizoprenic if a religious person does the same he is just talking to "God"

And the nihilism is a hard pill to swallow, to know nothing really matters and every single life my life included is as insignificant as removing a single grain of sand from the desert. I had an amazing childhood because of amazing parents, brothers and tons of friends, also everything was new I feel like life now isn´t life it´s just existence it´s like playing an open world video game you have completed 100% like GTA and just doing the same stuff over and over it simply isn´t fun e.g. as a child you experienced new things all the time and haven´t experienced things as many times like eating a pizza or candy it tasted much better because as an 8 year old you haven´t tasted these things as many times it´s like drugs like life itself is essentially all drugs in our brains like serotonin, dopamine etc. that control our feelings so having tasted pizza, candy and other good foods through decades it´s no longer special

The same goes for everything else movies are so predictable especially horror movies and Disney movie although I love Disney movies but as an adult they arent as special we know the main character don´t die even though in some they do and the they magically are brought back to life what I am trying to say I have lived a full life and everything is so boring because I have experienced it all hundreds if not thousands of times where as a child in kindergarten even flipping over a log to study the insect was so exciting or look at different plants, life was new and fun.

I feel I am stuck inside this simulation that is life and I have completed all of it and I just want out, I don´t want a wife, family or a slave my life away with a job I don´t care for I tried that when I was 18 working 10 hours 5 days a week as an apprentice in a butchers shop and went down with depression after only 1½ month and only after 1-2 weeks I realized that I would have to do this for the rest of my "life". A quote I often use is "Childhood and teenage years are living, adulthood is just existing"

But if we go back to the nihilism part, I suffer from a dozen physical and mental problems but even if you "only" suffer from nihilism that is just as good a reason to ctb it´s horrible to truly understand how little we matter even Earth or our galaxy the milky way itself is just a grain of sand in a whole desert and I get why you would rather be another lesser intelligent primate because ignorance is bliss it truly is that was one of the many reasons childhood was so amazing because of ignorance and naiveté we believed in Santa Claus, The Tooth fairy, we hoped we might discover powers like a super hero, or learn real magic like in Harry Potter everything was possible because our ignorance, naiveté and child imagination.

Better stop my rant now I tend to write too much and people don´t read it.

 

[Soul]

synonyms you are looking. depresion is main reason. contemplating is thinking.puberty is hard when you have shit surroundings, and no support, when you are adult then is different took.

Sorry - "contemplating" may not be the best term; I mean some people intend to commit suicide, but they aren't depressed. Perhaps most of them *were* depressed during puberty. (I certainly was. But I'm not now, yet I still intend to kill myself.)

Were Romeo and Juliet suicidal? They didn't seem to be until they offed themselves, did they - it was just a way out of a mess.

 

[almost ded]

Sorry - "contemplating" may not be the best term; I mean some people intend to commit suicide, but they aren't depressed. Perhaps most of them *were* depressed during puberty. (I certainly was. But I'm not now, yet I still intend to kill myself.)

Were Romeo and Juliet suicidal? They didn't seem to be until they offed themselves, did they - it was just a way out of a mess.

understood. sucide is a lot of things, depression, despair, anger, unattainable love and so on and on. but this is life. doesnt matter iff you want it now it is happening. suicide is act of bravery or act of despair. so what? what is more brave? live or dye? you dye anyway at least here in earth. suicede is escaping after show is ended.

 

[Apathy79]

Just reading here and recalling earlier surveys on the site regarding religious views, it occurs to me religion/spirituality is declining at a rate that seems to coincide roughly with the increase in suicidality in the younger generations. It also declines in puberty/adolescence/early adulthood generally (as suicidality increases), and then gets picked up again later in life (as suicidality decreases). Given that's traditionally been the foothold of life meaning for most of the population, I imagine those 2 things are linked. Not through direct causation like atheism causes suicide or anything like that, but as a contributing factor that is probably generally underestimated in importance.

This might be the wrong thread for this now that I think of it, but some of the responses just got me thinking about it. I might mull it a little more and post somewhere more suitable.

 

[RepressedMind]

My childhood wasn't bad and I have felt suicidal since puberty hit me and especially around the last years of high school, when the stress and depression were getting to me.

But with that being said, it has been a couple of years since high school and I think I can recover, if all the issues I'm having now just disappear. I don't want past experiences that never seem to be able to define me, as I have changed a lot as a person and I keep changing, to keep dragging me down constantly. I want to change and I'm willing to move on, but I just keep getting dragged down.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

I agree. I definitely became more and more depressed as I went through my teenage years. Being different because of Autism and being bullied for that difference also takes a toll. I have also been dealing with unresolved traumas so the older I got the more apparent they became.

 

[tothemoon]

Not at all, no worries. Thank you for apologising but no need. I hope you can see my view point as I get quite passionate about this after being dismissed my doctors, especially male doctors who have told me BPD is a fake disorder made by females and that I have a "good body" and "attractive face" so I have nothing to be depressed about. An invalidating childhood and 5 years of abuse, then being rape and abusing drugs is not cured by these external traits that I have.


To me that is a concept that I could never understand, nothing external would take away my suicidal thoughts. As I said in the previous post, invalidating childhood, years of abuse, rape, bullying and drug abuse has completely ruined my life and in my adult years I am trying to reverse all the trauma that has happened to me but it is completely imprinted in my brain. As I was suicidal aged 10/11 I think the impact of my brain is permanent. Having a job or an SO would not cure my trauma, BPD, anxiety or depression - however I'm often told I shouldn't be depressed or don't look depressed because of my external factors. I used to think having a job would make it stop but it didn't.
I don't understand personally how people can be suicidal over things like not having a SO which just shows how suicide is not an objective thing and there is no "image" of a suicidal person. I was more suicidal in a relationship as due to my past I allow myself to be treated badly and don't know how to operate a healthy relationship.
I hope you're able to find a job and SO and you find happiness

Ahh thank you:) Having your issues ignored because you're 'externally' ok must be infuriating. I think when/if I off myself most will understand. DIvorced and drowning in debt with no job. But no one really understands your situation, since it's internal. I do consider myself lucky that suicide really isn't part of my character, at least it wasn't for the first 32 years of my life. Have you looked into psychedlics? I've heard they have some interesting affects on peoples brains. And in some cases the changes are permanent.

 

[Iamnotperminant92]

I agree with this somewhat. My mental health took a sharp downward turn at 8 then again at 10 then 13. Anxiety, the start of Pure-O, then depression. I was able to form coping mechanisms that worked some of the time but my baseline self I've tried to work on is the same anxious nihilist suicidal person.


I joined this site when my SI/coping mechs failed. Though my moods have been shifting back and forth between despair and sort of an angry resilience the past few days. I don't need to be deep into my despair to CTB as it's always been 'an option' without the same level of shame since I bailed out of Uni.

I would agree that a good career and a decent marriage would protect me from some of my demons but others might be worse. I can't stress about the responsibilities I don't have and I'm not worried that I'm not good enough for my nonexistent wife and kids.

 

[idontevenknowanymore]

Well for me it all started because of bullying when I was 14/15. Sure, still puperty but it wasn't mostly because of hormonal changes
Well for me it all started because of bullying when I was 14/15. Sure, still puperty but it wasn't mostly because of hormonal changes

 

[Deleted member 17331]

These are good points, and they make sense. But I admit it was like a punch in the stomach for me, my first thoughts/suicidal attempts appeared at the age of 6…

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I have been depressed and thought I'd rather be dead all the way from age 7. 16 years ago, and I'm still here evidently.

 

[Fedrea]

I made a poll on this forum a long time ago and most of the members got depression and/or became suicidal in their early teens some even in childhood which surprised me and I think it is safe to say that if you became suicidal in your early teens you will never recover; whenever I hear about a person recovering from "depression" or being suicidal it´s typically adults (20+) who have just experiencing depression for some months or maybe even longer but for them it´s due to life changes for the rest it was predetermined by hormonal changes caused by puberty usually in our early teen years.

Most members here have had a good or at least decent childhood mine was paradise on Earth I feel I might have had the best childhood in the world but enough about me the point is most of us were happy living life to its fullest in our childhood it was only with all the hormonal changes puberty caused we became depressed and suicidal I mean think back at your childhood and think how happy you were for so many years and all of a sudden life started to get darker and it´s not a coincidence, my puberty started at 12 but at the end of 13 I started to become depressed and suicidal and all because of the hormonal changes to the mind by puberty because for those past 11-13 years life was amazing.

This isn't true. I had a friend who was very depressed as a teen, in his late 30s he's fine with three kids and a wife.

 

[Cashewmilk]

I completely agree with the original post. I have often thought about this, the power of puberty and raging hormones. No one ever talks about it except for sexual activities. But puberty hormones can be really extreme for some people. Not every child can handle it, I really do believe that puberty and the hormones contributed a lot to my depression. I also had a pretty botched upbringing but most kids could handle my childhood just fine if they were in my family. It's also hereditary in my case as my dad has severe bipolar.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

This isn't true. I had a friend who was very depressed as a teen, in his late 30s he's fine with three kids and a wife.

So because you found 1 outlier this isn´t true? I am sure there are a few but if we made a statistic of how many recover from early depression and suicidal thoughts from when puberty started I bet out of 100 people I am sure the number would be low.

I completely agree with the original post. I have often thought about this, the power of puberty and raging hormones. No one ever talks about it except for sexual activities. But puberty hormones can be really extreme for some people. Not every child can handle it, I really do believe that puberty and the hormones contributed a lot to my depression. I also had a pretty botched upbringing but most kids could handle my childhood just fine if they were in my family. It's also hereditary in my case as my dad has severe bipolar.

exactly the hormonal changes associated with depression and suicidal thought and the loss of innocense is never discussed I don´t know why, it´s like when puberty hits you are immediately transformed into a whole new world, no more child-like imagination and you stop playing with toys.

I could/should probably make a thread entirely about when we stopped playing with toys, try and remember how big a part it was in our childhood for a whole decade and then we stop playing I miss playing with toys but it wouldn´t entertain me now but I miss it because I know how much fun I had playing with my legos, playmobile, action figures or my Teddy´s I used to take with me everywhere and sleep with I miss that, life was so much fun and exciting and then puberty hits and it´s all gone..

 

[Fedrea]

So because you found 1 outlier this isn´t true? I am sure there are a few but if we made a statistic of how many recover from early depression and suicidal thoughts from when puberty started I bet out of 100 people I am sure the number would be low.

exactly the hormonal changes associated with depression and suicidal thought and the loss of innocense is never discussed I don´t know why, it´s like when puberty hits you are immediately transformed into a whole new world, no more child-like imagination and you stop playing with toys.

I could/should probably make a thread entirely about when we stopped playing with toys, try and remember how big a part it was in our childhood for a whole decade and then we stop playing I miss playing with toys but it wouldn´t entertain me now but I miss it because I know how much fun I had playing with my legos, playmobile, action figures or my Teddy´s I used to take with me everywhere and sleep with I miss that, life was so much fun and exciting and then puberty hits and it´s all gone..

Well you said "I think it is safe to say that if you became suicidal in your early teens you will never recover" but it was not safe to say for him. I think if you go to Pubmed there may well be studies giving recovery rates for depression with onset at various ages.

 

[BridgeJumper]

Oh thank you for giving me hope.
NOICE.





13 years of wanting to die and counting.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Oh thank you for giving me hope.
NOICE.





13 years of wanting to die and counting.

I assume you mean it ironically?

And when did you become suicidal?

 

[BridgeJumper]

When I was 13
So yes, it was ironic.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

When I was 13
So yes, it was ironic.

Same for me around the end of 13/early 14

 

[foreverbroken28]

Seems true personally. My first CTB attempt was at 13 years old. Middle school sucked.

 

[pian]

My mom said I was as young as 5 when I first said, "I want to die." Fuck. I don't see much hope for me. I don't know what that means for me if I've felt like this since before puberty and at that young, but I know it's not good. Chances of recovery are probably way lower.

I've had lots of therapists. A few of them said it's probably chronic. Being told your depression will last that long at like 12 fucking sucks. If it's chronic, then I might as well just kill myself now. My last therapist said it's possible to fully recover, but I don't buy it.

Basically, her and my psychiatrist said that they couldn't help me anymore and that I needed more intensive care so I just stopped treatment. Screw that. I already tried intensive care multiple times and it just made things worse. Waste of insurance.

I was going to get a new therapist, but I'm hoping I'll be able to ctb before then.

 

[Libracusp_1022]

I think some people definitely have a genetic predisposition to lifelong depression and being suicidal. And some people, genetic or not, have clinical depression that persists through life. But I also think many teenagers and young adults experience depression, and maybe, as the OP suggested, that's due to hormones. My guess is that a lot of the people in the last category do get past it. Teenage and young adult years can be torturous. But things can change. That's just my perspective, I could be wrong.

 

[Whatsthepointanyway]

I made a poll on this forum a long time ago and most of the members got depression and/or became suicidal in their early teens some even in childhood which surprised me and I think it is safe to say that if you became suicidal in your early teens you will never recover; whenever I hear about a person recovering from "depression" or being suicidal it´s typically adults (20+) who have just experiencing depression for some months or maybe even longer but for them it´s due to life changes for the rest it was predetermined by hormonal changes caused by puberty usually in our early teen years.

Most members here have had a good or at least decent childhood mine was paradise on Earth I feel I might have had the best childhood in the world but enough about me the point is most of us were happy living life to its fullest in our childhood it was only with all the hormonal changes puberty caused we became depressed and suicidal I mean think back at your childhood and think how happy you were for so many years and all of a sudden life started to get darker and it´s not a coincidence, my puberty started at 12 but at the end of 13 I started to become depressed and suicidal and all because of the hormonal changes to the mind by puberty because for those past 11-13 years life was amazing.

Of course everyone here that became depressed in their teens is still depressed. You're on a suicide forum. Your sampling from 100% depressed people.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Of course everyone here that became depressed in their teens is still depressed. You're on a suicide forum. Your sampling from 100% depressed people.

Yes but not everyone on this forum got depressed and suicidal in their when entering puberty so I was sampling from people being suicidal from different ages yet the majority did become suicidal when they hit puberty.

Also that poll I made was just one example as I mentioned in the thread the people I knew who were suicidal in their teens still are as adults nearing their 30´s.

 

[Kbeau]

I made a poll on this forum a long time ago and most of the members got depression and/or became suicidal in their early teens some even in childhood which surprised me and I think it is safe to say that if you became suicidal in your early teens you will never recover; whenever I hear about a person recovering from "depression" or being suicidal it´s typically adults (20+) who have just experiencing depression for some months or maybe even longer but for them it´s due to life changes for the rest it was predetermined by hormonal changes caused by puberty usually in our early teen years.

Most members here have had a good or at least decent childhood mine was paradise on Earth I feel I might have had the best childhood in the world but enough about me the point is most of us were happy living life to its fullest in our childhood it was only with all the hormonal changes puberty caused we became depressed and suicidal I mean think back at your childhood and think how happy you were for so many years and all of a sudden life started to get darker and it´s not a coincidence, my puberty started at 12 but at the end of 13 I started to become depressed and suicidal and all because of the hormonal changes to the mind by puberty because for those past 11-13 years life was amazing.

I agree. Jealous of the folks who go through a rough patch as adults, get on an AD for 6 months and then they're fine. I've tried 9 ADs. Nothing works so great for me. Its a lifeling thing. Dysthymia

 

[inthemoonblue]

Very interesting, it started around puberty for me too. And I've been dealing with it for so long it's hard to really imagine life any other way. I definitely wouldn't say recovery is impossible for everyone though.

 

[BandAddict]

Interesting discussion. Although it seems to be a pretty prevalent phenomenon, I will say that my mom became very depressed in her teens. She had several very difficult years but, being the incredibly strong person she is, got through it and is actually doing fine.

In my case, depressive symptoms and wanting to die started around 6-7. Few years later, around 14-15, mental health took a complete fucking nosedive, but I personally wouldn't attribute it entirely to puberty (which occurred between 8 and 13). Around that time (which is kind of a blur tbh) I was in a bad situation(s) that triggered flashbacks from early childhood that I blocked out up until that point, thus developing PTSD and various other mental health problems as a result.
Edit: That's how I make sense of it, anyway.

Fast forward to now, everything is still shit, but mostly due to trauma and failure to develop healthy thought patterns.

I will say that I think some people are predispositioned to handle situations differently, same with being predispositioned to develop mental health issues, and so on.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Don't think this is true . Many people will casually consider CTB at various life circumstances and then enjoy many years of happiness

 

[loopylou]

I remember over dosing at 16. I feel like there's a suicide button in the brain and it gets switched and can't put it back again