Q

qwerty32

I tried.
Apr 13, 2020
96
I may had SI when I was younger where I tried to suffocate myself, but I was still a child, probably an angry child, hated my family for stupid reasons (I had a good family).
I guess those feelings got exaggerated when other events came down to aggravate them. I guess I didn't get a chance to experience a happy childhood and left regretting it.
 
T

tothemoon

Member
Aug 5, 2019
76
I made a poll on this forum a long time ago and most of the members got depression and/or became suicidal in their early teens some even in childhood which surprised me and I think it is safe to say that if you became suicidal in your early teens you will never recover; whenever I hear about a person recovering from "depression" or being suicidal it´s typically adults (20+) who have just experiencing depression for some months or maybe even longer but for them it´s due to life changes for the rest it was predetermined by hormonal changes caused by puberty usually in our early teen years.

Most members here have had a good or at least decent childhood mine was paradise on Earth I feel I might have had the best childhood in the world but enough about me the point is most of us were happy living life to its fullest in our childhood it was only with all the hormonal changes puberty caused we became depressed and suicidal I mean think back at your childhood and think how happy you were for so many years and all of a sudden life started to get darker and it´s not a coincidence, my puberty started at 12 but at the end of 13 I started to become depressed and suicidal and all because of the hormonal changes to the mind by puberty because for those past 11-13 years life was amazing.
Interesting take. I think you're probably right. My ex wife used me for a visa and I've been terribly suicidal since, but that was 18 months ago (at 32 years old) the thought of killing myself before then had never even occurred to me. Not besides a few 'never wake up' moments, which everyone has. It seems people that develo p suicidality once they hit puberty it really becomes a part of their existence.
I profusely and immensely apologize, it was not my intention to offend anyone, it was more to (probably) show my skewed perception about different rates for different age categories, since subjectively I have seen many young people expressing discontent with life or desire to ctb.

Please do not think of me as a shallow, ignorant person, if you read my threads you will see that I had had many unsuccessful attempts. My first attempt was at 12, I didn't want to mention it as it was around puberty, thus confirming the title.

Somehow I disassociated suicide from mental health - big mistake, I apologize sincerely. I myself have MDD, panic disorder, and PTSD...

I am very sorry if my post upset you, I hope you will find it in your heart to accept my apologies.
Oh I think you're ok. Statistically good jobs and looks and 'all that stuff' DO protect people against depression and suicide. So I don't think you're far off. It's really an external vs. internal. For me, a good job and a SO and...i wouldn't be suicidal at all. BUT that might be impossible to get. For others, they might have all that but INTERNALLY finding peace is impossible to get. I think that's what makes suicide so hard to figure out.
 
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TheGoodGuy

TheGoodGuy

Visionary
Aug 27, 2018
2,988
Interesting take. I think you're probably right. My ex wife used me for a visa and I've been terribly suicidal since, but that was 18 months ago (at 32 years old) the thought of killing myself before then had never even occurred to me. Not besides a few 'never wake up' moments, which everyone has. It seems people that develo p suicidality once they hit puberty it really becomes a part of their existence.
I´m "glad" you see it the same way as me, although it´s a horrible existence but I always love when people see the truth as I do.
 
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TVtrays

TVtrays

Member
May 6, 2019
99
This explains why I've failed to get better despite years of therapy and treatment
 
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per_aspera_ad_astra

per_aspera_ad_astra

Member
Oct 29, 2019
36
Puberty can definitely make depression worse with all the chaotic stuff going on in your brain. I can see how it would detrimentally affect a person's brain development. Personally, I've had depression and a desire to kill myself for my entire life, but puberty definitely made the intensely emotional aspects of depression stronger.
 
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_Minsk

_Minsk

death: the cure for life
Dec 9, 2019
1,109
I made a poll on this forum a long time ago and most of the members got depression and/or became suicidal in their early teens some even in childhood which surprised me and I think it is safe to say that if you became suicidal in your early teens you will never recover; whenever I hear about a person recovering from "depression" or being suicidal it´s typically adults (20+) who have just experiencing depression for some months or maybe even longer but for them it´s due to life changes for the rest it was predetermined by hormonal changes caused by puberty usually in our early teen years.

Most members here have had a good or at least decent childhood mine was paradise on Earth I feel I might have had the best childhood in the world but enough about me the point is most of us were happy living life to its fullest in our childhood it was only with all the hormonal changes puberty caused we became depressed and suicidal I mean think back at your childhood and think how happy you were for so many years and all of a sudden life started to get darker and it´s not a coincidence, my puberty started at 12 but at the end of 13 I started to become depressed and suicidal and all because of the hormonal changes to the mind by puberty because for those past 11-13 years life was amazing.
i saw a german documentary about genetics back in the days, an epi-genetics scientist stated exactly the same, hard pill to swallow if you have been depressed already in teenage years:/

epi-genetics scientist:
the happiness of adults is directly liked to how happy they were with an age of 15 years
 
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bpdandme

Experienced
Feb 3, 2020
239
I profusely and immensely apologize, it was not my intention to offend anyone, it was more to (probably) show my skewed perception about different rates for different age categories, since subjectively I have seen many young people expressing discontent with life or desire to ctb.

Please do not think of me as a shallow, ignorant person, if you read my threads you will see that I had had many unsuccessful attempts. My first attempt was at 12, I didn't want to mention it as it was around puberty, thus confirming the title.

Somehow I disassociated suicide from mental health - big mistake, I apologize sincerely. I myself have MDD, panic disorder, and PTSD...

I am very sorry if my post upset you, I hope you will find it in your heart to accept my apologies.

Not at all, no worries. Thank you for apologising but no need:happy:. I hope you can see my view point as I get quite passionate about this after being dismissed my doctors, especially male doctors who have told me BPD is a fake disorder made by females and that I have a "good body" and "attractive face" so I have nothing to be depressed about. An invalidating childhood and 5 years of abuse, then being rape and abusing drugs is not cured by these external traits that I have.
Interesting take. I think you're probably right. My ex wife used me for a visa and I've been terribly suicidal since, but that was 18 months ago (at 32 years old) the thought of killing myself before then had never even occurred to me. Not besides a few 'never wake up' moments, which everyone has. It seems people that develo p suicidality once they hit puberty it really becomes a part of their existence.

Oh I think you're ok. Statistically good jobs and looks and 'all that stuff' DO protect people against depression and suicide. So I don't think you're far off. It's really an external vs. internal. For me, a good job and a SO and...i wouldn't be suicidal at all. BUT that might be impossible to get. For others, they might have all that but INTERNALLY finding peace is impossible to get. I think that's what makes suicide so hard to figure out.

To me that is a concept that I could never understand, nothing external would take away my suicidal thoughts. As I said in the previous post, invalidating childhood, years of abuse, rape, bullying and drug abuse has completely ruined my life and in my adult years I am trying to reverse all the trauma that has happened to me but it is completely imprinted in my brain. As I was suicidal aged 10/11 I think the impact of my brain is permanent. Having a job or an SO would not cure my trauma, BPD, anxiety or depression - however I'm often told I shouldn't be depressed or don't look depressed because of my external factors. I used to think having a job would make it stop but it didn't.
I don't understand personally how people can be suicidal over things like not having a SO which just shows how suicide is not an objective thing and there is no "image" of a suicidal person. I was more suicidal in a relationship as due to my past I allow myself to be treated badly and don't know how to operate a healthy relationship.
I hope you're able to find a job and SO and you find happiness :heart:
 
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GoneGoneGone

Enlightened
Apr 1, 2020
1,141
Not at all, no worries. Thank you for apologising but no need:happy:. I hope you can see my view point as I get quite passionate about this after being dismissed my doctors, especially male doctors who have told me BPD is a fake disorder made by females and that I have a "good body" and "attractive face" so I have nothing to be depressed about. An invalidating childhood and 5 years of abuse, then being rape and abusing drugs is not cured by these external traits that I have.
Thank you, you are very kind. I'm really sorry about all the abuse and trauma that you've gone through :hug: I know that words cannot help in any way, but please know that I empathize and I'm here virtually with you :heart:
 
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bpdandme

Experienced
Feb 3, 2020
239
Thank you, you are very kind. I'm really sorry about all the abuse and trauma that you've gone through :hug: I know that words cannot help in any way, but please know that I empathize and I'm here virtually with you :heart:
Thank you so much, back at you!
 
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Quarky00

Quarky00

Enlightened
Dec 17, 2019
1,956
1. Depression and being suicidal have many causes and it is complex. Some members reported they were particularly distant/emotional/morbid as children, even at 5yo. Most common onset is usually 12yo. But many have started developing serious symptoms only in their 20s. That general state of affairs is generally true. So you could have had a wonderful childhood , or an abusive one . And that bad/good childhood could have lasted till the age of 10 , 15 , 20 , or 25.

2. Correlation is not causation; and statistics lie. It's true that more severe emotional distress in childhood correlates , people prone to continue that into adulthood. But emotional distress is EXTREMELY common among young adults as a norm (especially in recent generation) -- and MOST of them recover well! So that is somewhat misleading. It is true that much of mental illness develops in early adulthood , but that's 15-25 ; most but not all.

So I wouldn't have attempted to generalize things ... The conclusion in the first post, and many other replies, does not hold really hold as a general rule, though it may describe many members well. We're a just subgroup (with many subgroups in it btw: some may not comment on this issue). Some of the big faults of the healthcare and mental healthcare systems is trying to generalize our issues to a single 'condition' or 'off shelf solution' -- it's usually more complex than that. Mental illness is often accompanied (or even caused) by some other stress as well.

My personal speculation is that 80% of members here could recover if they were given ideal conditions. And I mean ideal. Proper top notch medical treatment (with no bills), daily rehabilitation, coping and recovery support (not sub par like inpatient/outpatient..), living in a stress free environment that suits their personal needs, etc.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

but why do we see cohorts of young Millennials or gen Z who want to ctb? I'm baffled. What is driving the 20-year-olds from our forum to wanna ctb?
As for younger generation being more prone to depression, anxiety and suicide , that is scientifically true and well-researched . As @stevieu explained on this thread , society , human interaction , and basic prospects had siginificantly changed in recent decade . The common image of the severely depressed/anxious had changed . Please read this short article about research of Generation K . There is NO HOPE . And there is more ANXIETY . For everyone . Objectively .

1. Living Conditions worsened: Remember the "Prosperous 90s". Then came dot-com bubble , 9/11 , and 2008 ; housing & education bubble ; healthcare & wellfare collapse ; job market going crazy. It's not about how live NOW -- but whether one can see a FUTURE . We once knew that if we worked hard things will be okay and that's not the case anymore. Depression is much about lack of hope, not seeing any future ahead ..

2. Mental Issues worsened: 24/7 smartphones , social networks , messaging , and news. We're more connected than ever, and that's bad. Our main form of communication had fundamentally changed from talking to each other in certain time/place , to constantly texting & consuming everywhere . That overwhelms the brain and significantly increases anxiety. It's not just "Social Network" but the whole shebang. People ARE more depressed and anxious , and young people especially; and it's not just a single life event.

Living under those conditions grief, accident, ailment, getting fired -- all becomes much worse. There's no way to bounce back. People are losing their faith in the system, in the community, in people around them. It's a global phenomenon.

It's true for more and more "normal" people, but especially harmful to those with serious mental or physical issues. :heart:
 
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TheGoodGuy

TheGoodGuy

Visionary
Aug 27, 2018
2,988
i saw a german documentary about genetics back in the days, an epi-genetics scientist stated exactly the same, hard pill to swallow if you have been depressed already in teenage years:/

epi-genetics scientist:
Interesting unfortunately I don´t understand German and there are only German subtitles in that video.
 
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_Minsk

_Minsk

death: the cure for life
Dec 9, 2019
1,109
Interesting unfortunately I don´t understand German and there are only German subtitles in that video.
you can enable translation if you are interested:) i linked the video on my original post, playing at that part:)
 
muffin222

muffin222

Enlightened
Mar 31, 2020
1,188
Unfortunately, this has been true in my personal experience. The suicidal thoughts cropped up around age 11 (puberty hit me early) and they've persisted rather consistently throughout my life ever since. They seem to be a permanent facet of my psyche now, so I doubt they'll ever vanish completely at this point
 
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TheGoodGuy

TheGoodGuy

Visionary
Aug 27, 2018
2,988
you can enable translation if you are interested:) i linked the video on my original post, playing at that part:)
No there was only german when I checked for other translations.

EDIT: never mind find the translation option it looks like a new option I haven´t seen it before.
 
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A

almost ded

Member
Apr 9, 2020
18
this thread have a point. childhood traumas is for live. it depend how you deal with them that's all
 
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TheGoodGuy

TheGoodGuy

Visionary
Aug 27, 2018
2,988
@_Minsk I just listened to it and yeah it sounds pretty similar to what I am saying, that is also why I think people who become depressed and/or have suicidal thoughts in their teens should ctb as quickly as possible because they will never have the same quality of life like other people and won´t live a happy life.
 
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disabledandhopeless

disabledandhopeless

Enlightened
Mar 1, 2020
1,893
This is true
 
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Adûnâi

Adûnâi

Little Russian in-cel
Apr 25, 2020
929
My first post on this forum! I just want to say that my childhood was quite normal, I was never beaten, I was an only child and always could count on my mom. Yet after the age of 13, I did indeed expand my picture of the world, of the subjectivity of morality - and approximately since then, I could never fully understand why a human would ever choose to live, would ever desire life. How can you regain your values after turning a nihilist?

The only things that I wish I had had in my childhood are:

1) self-respect - my dad was distant, and at the same time allowed the friends of the family to critique my mother's child rearing (so I always wanted to be from a rigid, respected family with traditions and so on);

2) a totalitarian state - I have always sucked up to the authority, and living after the fall of the USSR is quite hard for me.

But at the same time, my "suicidal ideation" (whatever that means) is deeper, philosophical in nature, and I suspect, it would never leave me even if I lived in my utopia. This is why if I could ever change my life, I would probably choose to live as a chimpanzee - a pure Darwinian struggle, kill or be killed, an existence unmarred by the understanding of the boundaries of living. (Although who knows, maybe the higher-IQ non-human animals think of such stuff, too.)

I am writing this because I consider the depression-less and pain-less suicidal ideation not nearly enough represented on the Internet.

My questions thus are: Was my childhood indeed happy, and am I merely bratty? Do I have a higher-than-average IQ that leads me to see through the lies of life? Or am I just an autistic moron (I never formed connections with my peers, only with my mom and teachers)?

At the same time, maybe this forum is not for me, as you might say, "People have legitimate grievances with life, and here you are, a privileged prick that gets everything handed to you, and yet you are unfulfilled and ungrateful." Mind you, nobody in my life spoke to me like this, this is purely my trying to be fair, not to run into delusions of either grandeur or of inferiority...

When people talk about how bad their childhood was... How bad their life is... I cannot but think that they are more fortunate than me - those who hate their fathers choose to go and live an independent life, have children. Whereas I don't want any of that and don't necessarily want to live (although I don't desire immediate death either). How can I make sense of it?

When I read the stories of people, I feel as if suffering helps them. Do I need to suffer? As a YouTube comedian Jreg once said, "I want to die in a war". Maybe I do not know the boundaries of life, being so sheltered? And yet, I cannot leave the thought that I can never make myself fully embrace life...

This is such a joke. I myself am a militant atheist through and through, and I despise supernatural religion, and yet I feel as if I'm deeply Christian - deeply long for death! Mark Twain and Tolkien's words about how man is but a guest ring true to my soul.
 
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Quarky00

Quarky00

Enlightened
Dec 17, 2019
1,956
I think people who become depressed in their teens should ctb as quickly as possible
:shy:

Oy , hold your horses there :wink:

( I understand where that's coming from though )
 
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TheGoodGuy

TheGoodGuy

Visionary
Aug 27, 2018
2,988
:shy:

Oy , hold your horses there :wink:

( I understand where that's coming from though )
The thing about me I don´t censor myself to please others what I said was the truth every other person I knew who was depressed and suicidal in their teens still is and usually in a worse situation than back then both because their condition got worse but also doing to the fact of becoming an adult with so many responsibilities while fighting the unwinable battle against mental illness.
 
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_Minsk

_Minsk

death: the cure for life
Dec 9, 2019
1,109
@_Minsk I just listened to it and yeah it sounds pretty similar to what I am saying, that is also why I think people who become depressed and/or have suicidal thoughts in their teens should ctb as quickly as possible because they will never have the same quality of life like other people and won´t live a happy life.
interesting thread, yeah as horrific this might sound but i can confirm that myself.. childhood might have been great, but only compared to now and tbh, i dont believe it getting even worse than this, no suprise that childhood might have been good then:/
i will do some research on that topic tho, @almost ded stated also a good point
My first post on this forum! I just want to say that my childhood was quite normal, I was never beaten, I was an only child and always could count on my mom. Yet after the age of 13, I did indeed expand my picture of the world, of the subjectivity of morality - and approximately since then, I could never fully understand why a human would ever choose to live, would ever desire life. How can you regain your values after turning a nihilist?
thats my story, to now, still dont get why people can live in this world.. im glad about not being alone with that:)

Edit: Welcome to the SS @Adûnâi :hug::hug:
 
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TheGoodGuy

TheGoodGuy

Visionary
Aug 27, 2018
2,988
interesting thread, yeah as horrific this might sound but i can confirm that myself.. childhood might have been great, but only compared to now and tbh, i dont believe it getting even worse than this, no suprise that childhood might have been good then:/
i will do some research on that topic tho, @almost ded stated also a good point
I can´t even compare my childhood to now my childhood was heaven on Earth everything was near perfect, I am not blinded by nostalgia either I had my share of bad experiences but those are only a small part of the amazing life that was my childhood.
 
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_Minsk

_Minsk

death: the cure for life
Dec 9, 2019
1,109
I can relate a lot tho that thegoodguy, it was quite literally heaven, thats the way i imagine 'non-depression/healthy' people to live like, i could be completely wrong with that but i always wondered how people can be so light and easy going, partying most weekends and even smile, i couldnt even imagine that now, i had to force myself, most of my life to isolate, its barely bearable..
 
Quarky00

Quarky00

Enlightened
Dec 17, 2019
1,956
The thing about me I don´t censor myself to please others what I said was the truth every other person I knew who was depressed and suicidal in their teens still is and usually in a worse situation than back then both because their condition got worse but also doing to the fact of becoming an adult with so many responsibilities while fighting the unwinable battle against mental illness.
Never asked you to censor yourself . Just asked to pause and reflect . Most teenage depressions pass, so I disagree with you . Telling teenagers "yeah your depression is for good just commit suicide" just ain't smart, nor true . Sorry :hug: (of course you have the right to feel that way and to say so... .)
 
A

almost ded

Member
Apr 9, 2020
18
@_Minsk I just listened to it and yeah it sounds pretty similar to what I am saying, that is also why I think people who become depressed and/or have suicidal thoughts in their teens should ctb as quickly as possible because they will never have the same quality of life like other people and won´t live a happy life.
why? in teens you dont even have fully developed brains. wait a little. do a little. then start ctb
 
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TheGoodGuy

TheGoodGuy

Visionary
Aug 27, 2018
2,988
Never asked you to censor yourself . Just asked to pause and reflect . Most teenage depressions pass, so I disagree with you . Telling teenagers "yeah your depression is for good just commit suicide" just ain't smart, nor true . Sorry :hug: (of course you have the right to feel that way and to say so... .)
I disagree strongly from what I have seen from previous friends they are still suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts over a decade later in their twenties
why? in teens you dont even have fully developed brains. wait a little. do a little. then start ctb
Uh I hate this response it is usually also used when talking about age of consent almost refering to teenagers as children, yeah their frontal lope isn´t fully developed which is responsible for more "mature" and "responsible" thinking and because of this teenagers think more with the hypothalamus which is responsible for emotions so teens tend to act on that part of the brain since the frontal lope hasn´t been fully developed yet.

But I see this as a positive trait in terms of suicide because teenage hormones and emotions is a great drive for suicide and I so regret I didn´t ctb when I was 18-19 as I planned because my emotional depressive state and teenage hormones is a great drive. Now I only experience apathy no emotions at all not even sadness or excitement only anxiety and that isn´t a pleasant state to ctb in I actually miss my depression it felt beautiful thinking about my own demise while walking through the forest looking for the perfect tree to hang myself and with this beauty from depression as a teenager I could truly FEEL the sadness and beauty of the world so much more.

Also with your response which I see often regarding teenage dehumanizes them like they can´t make their own decisions because their frontal lope isn´t fully developed they are not babies who found daddies gun and ignorantly pulls the trigger and kills themselves they think for themselves just with a different part of the brain than what adults do.
 
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Quarky00

Quarky00

Enlightened
Dec 17, 2019
1,956
I disagree strongly from what I have seen from previous friends they are still suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts over a decade later in their twenties
Sorry your friends do not represent the entire world , factually most teenagers recover from depression ... that's the way things are .

Teenagers have much more suicide attempts with much lower fatality rate. That decreses by the age of 24. I already wrote that I totally understand your perspective and what you said. You can keep saying "teenagers it doesn't get better just ctb". That's how you feel, fine. That's how many of us feel, sadly. However that is not factually grounded, it's not objectively true for the wider population :hug:
 
A

almost ded

Member
Apr 9, 2020
18
wtf. Iam pro choice, but you at least have to recognize reality. dont want life? then do it. it is hard, but practically it isn't. but if 4 year child would had a some kind off disorder and sad you I dont want life. please, understand life a little, the go to ctb, and childrens and most off the teenagers dont like people hoo lived some time. fact.
 
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Soul

Soul

gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
Apr 12, 2019
4,704
Lots of interesting ideas here - I'm not sure where to fit in the fact that one can be determined to kill oneself without being depressed. It seems like for most people "suicidal" means "depressed and contemplating suicide", but I'm not depressed, and I'm not the only one here who isn't.

So is this thread mainly about depression during puberty or mainly about contemplating suicide during puberty?
 
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A

almost ded

Member
Apr 9, 2020
18
Lots of interesting ideas here - I'm not sure where to fit in the fact that one can be determined to kill oneself without being depressed. It seems like for most people "suicidal" means "depressed and contemplating suicide", but I'm not depressed, and I'm not the only one here who isn't.

So is this thread mainly about depression during puberty or mainly about contemplating suicide during puberty?
synonyms you are looking. depresion is main reason. contemplating is thinking.puberty is hard when you have shit surroundings, and no support, when you are adult then is different took.