Help If therapy doesn't work out, how do i get the courage to ctb

[cylus46]

For years i been passively suicidal but I never had the balls to actually go through with it. These past 2 years however although I still don't have the balls to end my own existence directly I do things that actively put my life in danger and I just haven't died from all of it yet, it's like I don't want to live but my body is too stubborn to die and my mind is too weak to take matters into my own hands.

That said it's not like I don't try to feel better...I've gone to the gym, self reflected, venting to friends and now im even giving therapy a shot. But I want therapy to be my last shot, im tired- tired of living and tired of being stuck, alone, sad, depressed, and with no one to lean on, tired of fucking waking up in the morning.

I want to just get the balls to ctb already, if my life comes to that and therapy fails how do I desensitized myself to the thought of taking my own life.

 

[leandra]

You're not weak. What you're experiencing in very normal. In my opinion i believe you still have hope, you're clinging onto something which is giving you the will to live. The meer fact that you try to better yourself shows that you do believe there is still something for you here. Please consider therapy it can be tremendously helpful at times.
I wish you nothing but the best!

 

[cylus46]

You're not weak. What you're experiencing in very normal. In my opinion i believe you still have hope, you're clinging onto something which is giving you the will to live. The meer fact that you try to better yourself shows that you do believe there is still something for you here. Please consider therapy it can be tremendously helpful at times.
I wish you nothing but the best!

Thank you, I never been a big believer in therapy but I'm genuinely out of options and I got insurance from a relative. So might as well use it since there are people who don't get too due to cost.

 

[leandra]

Thank you, I never been a big believer in therapy but I'm genuinely out of options and I got insurance from a relative. So might as well use it since there are people who don't get too due to cost.

Yeah definitely give it a try. The right meds and the right dosage can do magic. Ofc they don't get rid of depression just like that but they can certainly put you in the right head space to do that yourself

 

[Space_Road_1979]

For years i been passively suicidal but I never had the balls to actually go through with it. These past 2 years however although I still don't have the balls to end my own existence directly I do things that actively put my life in danger and I just haven't died from all of it yet, it's like I don't want to live but my body is too stubborn to die and my mind is too weak to take matters into my own hands.

That said it's not like I don't try to feel better...I've gone to the gym, self reflected, venting to friends and now im even giving therapy a shot. But I want therapy to be my last shot, im tired- tired of living and tired of being stuck, alone, sad, depressed, and with no one to lean on, tired of fucking waking up in the morning.

I want to just get the balls to ctb already, if my life comes to that and therapy fails how do I desensitized myself to the thought of taking my own life.

I guess what's usually worked for my past attempts is becoming super neutral, neither too happy or too sad because I find it hard to do anything at either ends. Too happy and I long for my friends, art, the next game. Too sad and I can't get up and do it.

But I think everyone's different? And I have no real advice on how to become as neutral as you can, it's kind of something I just do?

It honestly feels weird giving this sort of advice, I'm so sorry if it's bad. Goodluck with your therapy! I hope your therapist is nice! Honestly even though I am personally still suicidal, therapy has helped me and I've seen it help almost all of my friends.