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Venting If I will die I will kill the person I love

M

MapleS

survived
May 22, 2025
152
I really crave to die, but it will have it's cosequences.
He's not normal - my father- and he will kill him. Literally he will kill him himself, maybe will tell somebody elde to kill him... and maybe even torture him.
I don't want that. He (father) will not understand that my death is his fault. Not my friend's.
My friend is the reason I'm still alive but they (family) blame him for my state EVEN IF IT'S ALL THEIR FAULT AND THEY FUCKING THINK THAT MY FRIEND IS MANIPULATING ME CAUSE THEY ARE SO FUCKING SAINT! I hate it, I hate them and crave to die for so long.
And even if he will not go that crazy my friend still knows that I'm planning/was planning to kill myself one day. And they may tell me that he helped me ang get him into jail (he would be rather dead than in jail) (he's not helping me die - telling min this make me try to live)
But I need to be alive. And I wanna be dead so fucking much
Recovery is mandatory. Fuck

(help please)
 
pelicanportal

pelicanportal

Member
Jan 28, 2026
5
Can you explain the dynamics of your relationship with your friend and with your family? If not I understand.
 
M

MapleS

survived
May 22, 2025
152
My friend helps me with everything
My parents want do do anything to get me better but they are toxic af, traumatized me, controlled me, kidnapped me and I'm rxtremly fucking svared of them. they know that and are mad at me cause of that and scream at me that I need to stop be afraid.
but I tricked them and I'm in diffrent town now.
And my friend helped me when I was in diffrent town before. And my mental health went underground and roted cause of some things. And they blame him for that (it was not his fault) and for the fact that I didn't came back to """home""" I was so scared of.

My brain is not braining now. Hope that's enough
and I crave to die so much only because one day I will need to see them (I'm disabled and cannot live on my own, cannot earn money)
Fu k, I will need to live with them. I eould rather poison myself to death (very painfull way to go in my eyes)
 
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