FullCircle
Out came the wolves.
- Nov 20, 2018
- 109
I've been a functional alcoholic for years. I've always managed to keep a full time job, plus a side hustle, and still drink 8-12+ drinks per night.
I've struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a kid. Alcohol helped more than anything, but now I'm a shell of my old self. I've abandoned everything I love and now I'm barely holding on. I still do everything I can to give my pup the best life but I know I can do better for me and her.
I've gotten sober for short periods, the longest was about 2 months. I kinda hated AA but if I have to give it another shot I will.
I have the opportunity to go to treatment at a good place for 2 weeks and still get paid, mostly covered by insurance. My husband has "accepted" it after multiple conversations, but he doesn't think it's necessary because I still maintain everything and he doesn't want to be without me for 2 weeks. I can't talk to him about my struggles. (He has ADHD and non diagnosed autistic tendencies.) If I tell him how I'm feeling he gets angry or he worries and it doesn't help me, so I just don't. It makes it worse. We've been married for almost 4 years but I was drinking when I met him (not to the same extent) and I honestly thinks he likes me better when I'm drinking.
When I stop drinking I want to kill myself. It's all I can think about. Like I'll be driving home, see a big tree, and seriously consider gunning it and hoping for the best. I've been suicidal on and off for over a decade, so it's just natural.
Work is an issue because me leaving for 2 weeks would put a strain on my coworker (even though I've covered her for way longer) and I'm worried about office gossip.
I want to be the best version of myself, the best dog mom, wife, sister, aunt I can be. Or I want to die. I can't live in the in between. I have some health issues related to drinking but my major organs are fine. But I know I'll kill myself or make it way worse if I don't stop.
I guess I'm just venting because no one seems to get it. But if anyone has suggestions for talking to HR/my coworker about leaving without sharing too many details, that would be great. My husband too, but honestly he's a grown man and he's supposed to support me, if he doesn't I can't feel bad, I just can't deal with it right now. Any advice is appreciated.
FYI I talk to an amazing therapist weekly. I was on meds for anxiety and depression on and off for 20 years but they just cloud my judgement and ultimately I feel like they make things worse. I stopped taking them a couple weeks ago and I feel like I'm thinking more clearly.
I've struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a kid. Alcohol helped more than anything, but now I'm a shell of my old self. I've abandoned everything I love and now I'm barely holding on. I still do everything I can to give my pup the best life but I know I can do better for me and her.
I've gotten sober for short periods, the longest was about 2 months. I kinda hated AA but if I have to give it another shot I will.
I have the opportunity to go to treatment at a good place for 2 weeks and still get paid, mostly covered by insurance. My husband has "accepted" it after multiple conversations, but he doesn't think it's necessary because I still maintain everything and he doesn't want to be without me for 2 weeks. I can't talk to him about my struggles. (He has ADHD and non diagnosed autistic tendencies.) If I tell him how I'm feeling he gets angry or he worries and it doesn't help me, so I just don't. It makes it worse. We've been married for almost 4 years but I was drinking when I met him (not to the same extent) and I honestly thinks he likes me better when I'm drinking.
When I stop drinking I want to kill myself. It's all I can think about. Like I'll be driving home, see a big tree, and seriously consider gunning it and hoping for the best. I've been suicidal on and off for over a decade, so it's just natural.
Work is an issue because me leaving for 2 weeks would put a strain on my coworker (even though I've covered her for way longer) and I'm worried about office gossip.
I want to be the best version of myself, the best dog mom, wife, sister, aunt I can be. Or I want to die. I can't live in the in between. I have some health issues related to drinking but my major organs are fine. But I know I'll kill myself or make it way worse if I don't stop.
I guess I'm just venting because no one seems to get it. But if anyone has suggestions for talking to HR/my coworker about leaving without sharing too many details, that would be great. My husband too, but honestly he's a grown man and he's supposed to support me, if he doesn't I can't feel bad, I just can't deal with it right now. Any advice is appreciated.
FYI I talk to an amazing therapist weekly. I was on meds for anxiety and depression on and off for 20 years but they just cloud my judgement and ultimately I feel like they make things worse. I stopped taking them a couple weeks ago and I feel like I'm thinking more clearly.
