LucifersIntrovert
Buried Alive
- Sep 10, 2023
- 72
Idk where to start either but I guess let's start with why I feel like my suicidal ideation is always present. It could be brought up in only one word too. MONEY, I'm in college and working towards my bachelors in law to hopefully become a family law attorney. I won't get into why or how I'll go about it but if I live long enough it's a dream for me. And being in college and trying to have a social life and trying to have a positive mindset sucks. All my friends actually have pretty good paying jobs for their age, one of my friends is on track to $150000 this year reselling cards in pure profit not counting all the business trips he's written off and he's only 20. I wish I could be like them but it takes money to start that business and all my money is going to my tuition. People always say money doesn't bring happiness. BITCH IM SORRY BUT WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I swear to my fucking grandmother that I love more than my self or anything in this world and beyond, money would make me and 100% of the people I know infinitely happy, it's a god damn lie they tell you. Then there's love life, idk I'm 20 and never had a girlfriend sure I asked girls out and always got rejected of course. So I tried my best to fix myself for love lost over 100 pounds in 8 months physically starving myself. Got a new look, new style, started growing facial hair but nothing. Love isn't for everyone and I've came to terms with it but I still like to bring it up since I have friends who envy love. Like I downloaded hinge with a friend so he didn't have to go into it alone and wouldn't of been bullied or called out on it in our friend group. ( it's all love between us but I get where he was coming from). Long story short had it for about 2 months talked to a couple girls went out with one girl a couple times drove over 2 and a half hours to see her once a week for a month to go on lunch dates with her. Just for her to still be obsessed with her ex which sucked. But that's how all of my situation-ships went and I mean ALL of them. Done this 3 times in a row back to back to back all the same outcome. So I feel like it's just not for me I'll die alone happy over getting cheated on any day I'll take that to my grave. But then there's my friend who I downloaded hinge with and he's lost in the sauce per say. He's gotten so bad to the point where hes buying hinge plus for priority likes and unlimited likes to send to girls. I'm just happy I'm not like that since I've been off the app for about 2-3 months now but he's still going strong. And he's in the same boat thinking he'll die alone too which I don't blame him but at the same time I feel like you can't force love. He's literally buying his way to it. Which sucks because he also does voice acting for big companies which I won't describe in detail to keep him safe. I just hope he doesn't get used. But that's about all I wanted to vent about being a loner for 20 years and being the brokest in the friend group trying to get by. If you read this thanks if not I don't blame you. Have a nice day, night, morning, evening, or everything. I appreciate you :)
