Help idk if i wanna live or not

[Who]

So i found this forum a few months ago. I tried to ctb but it failed. My parents found my suicide note and took me to the psych ward where I was admitted for 6 weeks. Surprisingly, I felt better. I got discharged. Then my life started to go downhill again. I was again admitted for 2 weeks. It was not as pleasant of a experience. My new doctors did not seem to care about me, questioned why I didn't get better even after they increased my dosage. They didn't even provide proper or regular therapy. I missed my first experience where my doctors were a lot more caring and empathetic. Now I'm discharged again. I tried not to log on to this site but eventually I gave up. So here I am again.
I really, really don't want to live. I want to relive my past which I know is not possible.
I miss my friends, who I'm not in touch with anymore.
And most importantly, I miss me. Truth is, I've changed. I know no matter what anybody says, or does, I'm gone. I'm not who I was anymore.
But then again there are people who love me in the world. For which I am extremely grateful for. That's the only thing that's stopping me.
But they would move on right? ya, they would. There's an internal war going on inside of me rn and I just want it all to end. I've tried talking but they just tell me to distract myself from these suicidal thoughts. I have a therapist appointment in about an hour. I don't know what I'm gonna tell her. Should I tell her about these thoughts? The logical option would be yes, but I really, really don't want to. I'm just so exhausted of life. I dont even have enough energy to research suicide methods. I'm literally stuck in this body, suffering.
I feel like this is the only place where people would understand this without any judgement. I'm Grateful for this platform... and also have hatred for it. Why is pain addictive? How is someone who is addicted to pain supposed to get better? I always have a choice to not log on, but i just cant.
Idk how to conclude this but ye
life really sucks doesnt it

 

[daydreams]

It seems that you are confused about wanting to live or not, you should tell her, and take your time to decide whether to ctb or not

 

[Who]

It seems that you are confused about wanting to live or not, you should tell her, and take your time to decide whether to ctb or not

Okay, thankyou. really.
But should i Tell her abt the website?

 

[daydreams]

Okay, thankyou. really.
But should i Tell her abt the website?

No that's unnecessary
I think empathy makes you feel better like what you said in the post
Maybe if you have some good social skills and you make new friend/lover that gonna help
Either ways we are here to support you

 

[depressedjhit]

I would never tell a therapist that you're going to ctb unless you need to be in the psych ward (cause that's what will happen). I would however, let them know that you are concerned because you're going downhill fast. Like the commenter above stated- take your time on the decision to ctb. If you have people there for you that love you and there IS a way to get better, I would consider going that route. Ctb is a final resort for if there's absolutely nothing possible that works (in my opinion, at least).