"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[HighFlight]

Now again I'm stuck at university studying something I don't care about for a career I would hate to pursue.

As a parent of a student in the exact same position, I can empathize with you. Not knowing your major, I can say that the truly important skills taught are soft skills, and can apply beyond your major. Try looking for something that interests you and then see how some of the skills you picked up can help you. One of the most important up coming skill is "adaptability". Something to think about.

Need someone to tell me that alcohol really isn't the answer.

Ok, alcohol isn't the answer. It just pushes your real problem down the road, and creates a few new ones along the way. But something tells me you already knew that.

I'm sorry for all your are going through. It sounds like you know what you need to do, and are working to make recovery happen. Please keep in mind that recovery is a journey, not a destination. All the feelings your having, good and bad, are valid, and you can expect more of these ups and downs. The hope is that the good days out number the bad.

Life is a journey. And I truly hope you can find some peace along the way, regardless of which path you may choose.

 

[HighFlight]

gotta love sobbing in the shower for a long time while silently mentally screaming at your entire family for failing you in every conceivable manner

For real.. (or for the younger members - fr)

I'm sorry families can be so difficult.

 

[sonnyw]

As a parent of a student in the exact same position, I can empathize with you. Not knowing your major, I can say that the truly important skills taught are soft skills, and can apply beyond your major. Try looking for something that interests you and then see how some of the skills you picked up can help you. One of the most important up coming skill is "adaptability". Something to think about.

Thank you

 

[kiwimochii]

I think I'm getting closer and closer to the edge. Things aren't visibly getting worse around me but I can feel the avalanche approaching, I'm at the fucking tipping point and i really can't give a damn anymore. Just really tired if I just had gotten a break from everything for a bit I could've tried more but no nothing will stop. I feel like I forgot how to breathe freely. I'm just walking around in a body that started rotting years ago really.
Recovery probably isn't the place to post this but I guess coming here shows that somewhere I still hope for things to getting better. Im so tired of wishing for better times

 

[goodbye-to-a-world]

I think I'm getting closer and closer to the edge. Things aren't visibly getting worse around me but I can feel the avalanche approaching, I'm at the fucking tipping point and i really can't give a damn anymore. Just really tired if I just had gotten a break from everything for a bit I could've tried more but no nothing will stop. I feel like I forgot how to breathe freely. I'm just walking around in a body that started rotting years ago really.
Recovery probably isn't the place to post this but I guess coming here shows that somewhere I still hope for things to getting better. Im so tired of wishing for better times

Felt this hardcore. Every single word. Tired of living in unprecedented times constantly, tired of barely holding onto my sanity, the anxiety of the endless calm before the storm when you don't even know when the storm will hit... yeah. My morale has tanked too.

Recovery is a great place for these talks I think. It's not just sunshine and rainbows 100% of the time. You're getting back what's missing. For some people, it's as simple as realizing the phone you're looking for has been in your hand the whole time. For most of us though, it's more like looking for an earring in the middle of the sea. I think it's good to share the downs along with the ups. It's real. It's valid. It's helpful too. Like I said, your comment resonated with me and now I feel a bit relieved having that confirmation that I'm not alone in feeling this way. That's a part of recovery too.

 

[g357]

This morning, im having one of those rare (but getting less rare!!!) moments of feeling hopefull for my recovery. I fell down a rabbit hole about anxiety meds (im scared to take anti depressants/anti anxiety meds) and found propranolol. Something i can look into. Im also going to be getting tested for adhd, which if i have it could explain so much and take a massive weight off my shoulders. Plus seeing a psychologist, I could end up having success there

Its been about 2.5 months since the anxiety and depression has ramped up. The anxiety came first, constant awful thoughts spiralling about a horrible future that I'm sure to have. This lead to the depression and suicidal ideation. Plus a general feeling of im never going to get mentally better (a symptom of the depression im sure)

 

[lumene]

im by no means cured but i feel a slight bit more hopeful the past 2 days than i have done for the last year. i think part of it is my medication taking effect, i'm noticing the pit in my stomach is getting weaker and i managed to make it through the whole morning without getting anxious nd freaking out. i should be starting therapy soon and getting evaluated for bpd/bipolar, i'm not really sure what i think but it'll be good to know and be able to get more specified support. idk i feel like i'm finally seeing something good, i hope this keeps up.

 

[Adûnâi]

Feeling sad, nobody to talk to, only my chad nazi friend who's a chad so I hate him (envy). I have taken a shower, but not washing the hair, it's so annoying. Grok AI is nice, although over December I have spent all day every day gooning to it. Currently banned on Reddit because I called out the pieces of shit genociding my people.

I guess I should actually start playing games, I have a dozen in my cart worth 21 eur. But for that I need to wash my hair : (

No power outages, only had them for 4 days this month. Went on Twitter, wrote a bit, but it horrifies how many posts typical Twitter person puts out, it's completely hopeless, they're humanoid typewriters.

When I get unbanned on Reddit, I'm supposed to write a post on WIAH about what if Tolkien worked with the Nazis to make Tengwar the European writing system.

 

[HighFlight]

I think I'm getting closer and closer to the edge.

I started to write a response to you (better late, than never). But I noticed that @goodbye-to-a-world did a great job with their response. I can only hope that things have gotten a little better. Please let us know how you're doing.

I truly hope that you can find some peace on your journey.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

So I've been back online here a week or so after having another tantrum and falling out with therapy/my therapist and knowing I need to resist crawling back because the whole process just taunts and upsets me more. I had been lurking for a couple months but resisting fully logging on. But now I'm here I felt the need to swing by and say hi again.

I guess the summary of my 6 months is that of functional autopilot confusion. I have settled myself into a place that I can get by. That matches the consistently inconsistent confusion/frustration/lost/trapped that seems to be the keywords to the past 3-4 years of my life. I am still isolated from past lives/friends/family and can't allow that to change.

I have somehow found myself in a flat of my own for the first time ever not sharing. I am established in a job that seems to work well for me. Is shift work which helps with giving 'justifications' for my inconsistencies (even though I know its not the messed body clock thats to blame, though I appreciate it probably doesn't help, its helpful to blame 'ah a bit over tired - just off nights'). Most of the shift is typically spent solo and desk based so is fairly easy to get through in my own way when not feeling great. I've still kept up my gym sessions/obsessions and walking lots too and cycling to/from work.

So I guess when I get upset it spins pretty quickly because I have things so well lined up atm. So there is very little room for adding in extra coping mechanisms - I feel fairly maxed out with all the 'classics'. This past week I have been drinking a fair bit too. The warming hug of the spirits. Is not good but it takes the edge off big time.

I guess the other big development in the past few months is that I might have some sort of physical hidden disability/condition. Back pain that won't go has led to some tests/investigations and now I'm on an (unknown) waiting list for a specialist after referral by both gp and physio. Its so hard to know if this is anything or not. It could be grim but I also get confused because despite the aching back, I can still weightlift pretty strong and smash HIIT intervals and go jogging or hiking. And who doesn't ache when they do too much/a lot of any of these all the time. But it is making me second guess any symptom or feeling.

Anyway, thats enough rambling. My profile is my more upset ranting/venting of heat-of-the-moment thoughts hidden away. I need to keep myself from launching into that here too!

 

[kiwimochii]

I started to write a response to you (better late, than never). But I noticed that @goodbye-to-a-world did a great job with their response. I can only hope that things have gotten a little better. Please let us know how you're doing.

I truly hope that you can find some peace on your journey.

Honestly not too well, @goodbye-to-a-world thanks for your kind words, I'm glad if my worthless rant here helped someone feel less alone in their suffering. New Year was pretty awful, anything that reminds me that I'm alive is pretty awful. Idk i think I'm a bit more aware of how I act towards others so ig I've gotten better in that aspect where I'm not being a complete asshole.

Lots of things will change for me this year and it honestly frightens me, i never thought I'd stick around until college or even past it. Sometimes I imagine I had killed myself when I was 14 and this is all just a bad dream, but I know that's not true. Idt I'll ever kill myself tho, i can put myself in positions where I could potentially get killed but idt I'll ever pull the trigger myself...not as long as I know there's people who'll be devastated by my death. I wouldn't want to do that to them.

I want to try what I can tho, I don't have any hope to things getting better but I think I want to try for the people who believe in me. At the very least I can say I did all that I could

 

[HighFlight]

Lots of things will change for me this year and it honestly frightens me

Change is one thing that is constant in this world, and it can be very frightening. It can also be wonderful and exciting. Interestingly, the body's physical reaction tends to be the same between fear and excitement - sweaty palm, rapid heartbeat, dry mouth, etc.

What you describe as a "worthless rant", imho, is an opportunity for you to share your raw thoughts and feelings. And in this case it allowed you to make a connection, and help another user. Thank you for sharing.

Dealing with change is difficult, but I hope you that you can come to terms with it and find a path forward that will allow you to have a little peace on your journey. You are welcome to DM me directly if you'd like to talk in more detail.

 

[kiwimochii]

What you describe as a "worthless rant", imho, is an opportunity for you to share your raw thoughts and feelings. And in this case it allowed you to make a connection, and help another user. Thank you for sharing.

Dealing with change is difficult, but I hope you that you can come to terms with it and find a path forward that will allow you to have a little peace on your journey.

Thank you for the kind response.
I don't think I'm vehemently against change or anything, it's just the uncertainty of everything gets to me sometimes. I've been trying to make peace with it. It gets a bit hard with the constant anxiety and the self doubt which creeps in occasionally.

I've been doing a bit better this week I think, I've been reaching out and asking for help a lot more, (as shameful as that makes me feel) and it's been mitigating the feelings of self loathe a lot. Fixing (sort of) my sleep schedule is helping as well... I hope this lasts and is not just a temporary fix.

 

[pokerrkitty]

I think i'm going to try for recovery. I didn't follow through with a planned attempt on the 2nd, and I wanna give getting better another shot.

I don't know where to start.
I've been throwing money away, stopped eating, stopped caring about my health because I was so sure it'd be over by now.

None of my hobbies bring anything more than brief moments of joy. Sex isn't good. Drugs aren't good. I don't really know how to be happy again, but I still want to try regardless.

 

[HighFlight]

Welcome @pokerrkitty! Start by acknowledging that it's not going to be perfect. Recovery is a journey, not a destination.

None of my hobbies bring anything more than brief moments of joy. Sex isn't good. Drugs aren't good. I don't really know how to be happy again, but I still want to try regardless.

I've been in a similar place, an have been struggling to find something new to allow me to focus on things other and sex and drugs. I wish you all the best on your journey and hope that you can find some peace along the way.

 

[serenitydream]

Hi I just wanted to post about my experience and maybe talk to others who might have had similar ones or just anyone really. Although I really want help at this point in my life it's seeming less and less likely to happen and I don't expect solutions anymore, perhaps just connection, idk.

I'm an adult who grew up isolated, neglected, and abused in a very rural area. I never went to school and I never had childhood interactions. I was able to escape this situation a few years ago as an adult, and I tried my best to survive in this world. That's past-tense because I failed and lost the place I was living and got into an insurmountable amount of debt. I focused all of my being on trying to work jobs for a couple years which only led to my eventual suicide attempt and being taken to the hospital where they kept me in a psych ward for a while. Before this attempt I had been struggling with suicidal thoughts and various stages of planning and rethinking since sometime in childhood, and my attempts at surviving in the world on my own and trying to get and work jobs spiraled these thoughts exponentially.

What I hadn't realized until recently and only due to my friend I made online suggesting it, was that I very likely (and apparently obviously to others) have a form of developmental disability, maybe autism. And due to my childhood circumstances, I never saw a doctor to diagnose me or help with anything.

I have very limited ability to function on my own and handle the stimuli of the world and I also have great difficulty with communication and I'm unable to speak, which my parents abused me for often. I didn't understand what's wrong with me and I've gone most of my life thinking that I'm a bad person since I can't speak or communicate well or take care of myself very well. This likely led to a lot of my suicidal thinking.

After my stay at the psych ward, I moved to a completely new area from where I'm from to be with my online friend who has been trying his best to take care of me and set me up with government supports. But unfortunately he's unable to afford the apartment anymore and I have nowhere to go soon. Every support here is out of money, not accepting new people, or has years long waitlists. And due to me not actually having a documented disability yet, it seems I'm left with the only option being an indefinite revolving door of psych wards and homelessness.

I really want to get better and to have a fulfilling life but my suicidal thoughts are reemerging at the prospect of my fate.

As I seem to be helplessly nearing the end of my story I just wish it didn't feel so lonely.

 

[spaced00ut]

Hi
That sounds like such a hard childhood and I couldn't even imagine not going to school or interacting with other kids my age at the time. I completely understand the lonely part. It's hard not to feel that way.

I am a newbie here and still trying to figure this site out. I am in a constant cycle of wanting to CTB and get better. I've always been a depressed person but I find it comes in waves. I'm on a few mental heath medications which help but I feel like they are just masking my depression and making it more bareable, if that makes sense? Nobody would know that I am depressed other than my husband because I also try and mask myself around coworkers and friends. I have for as long as I remember. Which I am a master at (thanks adhdIt's nice to find a space where I can share my feelings and thoughts.

 

[serenitydream]

Hi
That sounds like such a hard childhood and I couldn't even imagine not going to school or interacting with other kids my age at the time. I completely understand the lonely part. It's hard not to feel that way.

I am a newbie here and still trying to figure this site out. I am in a constant cycle of wanting to CTB and get better. I've always been a depressed person but I find it comes in waves. I'm on a few mental heath medications which help but I feel like they are just masking my depression and making it more bareable, if that makes sense? Nobody would know that I am depressed other than my husband because I also try and mask myself around coworkers and friends. I have for as long as I remember. Which I am a master at (thanks adhdIt's nice to find a space where I can share my feelings and thoughts.

Thank you for understanding. <3

I'm sorry that you are experiencing those feelings. <3 I think I also try not to let my sadness show to people I meet because I want people to be happy. But it does feel better for me if someone understands.

 

[spaced00ut]

Thank you for understanding. <3

I'm sorry that you are experiencing those feelings. <3 I think I also try not to let my sadness show to people I meet because I want people to be happy. But it does feel better for me if someone understands.

I completely get it. Do you do any therapy to try and help?

 

[serenitydream]

I completely get it. Do you do any therapy to try and help?

I had an appointment a few days ago and a second one scheduled. I don't know if I want to go yet. I think therapy might be especially hard for me with how long it takes me to formulate how I feel and write it well. And it was confusing because what I try to communicate was overlooked sometimes or there was advice given based on assumptions of things that I didn't write. For my next appointment I am supposed to have thought of what my goals for therapy are, but I still don't know what my goals could be. Have you done therapy and if you have then does it help you and do you know what kind of goals you have?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome @serenitydream & @spaced00ut

 

[spaced00ut]

I had an appointment a few days ago and a second one scheduled. I don't know if I want to go yet. I think therapy might be especially hard for me with how long it takes me to formulate how I feel and write it well. And it was confusing because what I try to communicate was overlooked sometimes or there was advice given based on assumptions of things that I didn't write. For my next appointment I am supposed to have thought of what my goals for therapy are, but I still don't know what my goals could be. Have you done therapy and if you have then does it help you and do you know what kind of goals you have?

That's fair. You're right, everyone looks and interprets things differently and a lot of people don't understand that so I can see how that would be hard. You can always look for someone else if they don't understand or look at things similarly to you. Yes I go to therapy, I've gone through like 4 therapists and have been with the one I'm with for about 1 year now. We don't really discuss that she asks me more like how my weeks been or how have I been feeling and base the session off that. My goals overall though are to not be as depressed all the time. I really think I have a chemical inbalance though cause even with medication (I'm on 300mg wellbutrin, 20mg Lexapro and 40mg vvyanse) I am still impacted. I guess it's not as bad as it could be but I'm not going to lie I get break downs still and want to just end it sometimes during those times I feel that way. Usually about 1 week every couple months or so.

Welcome @serenitydream & @spaced00ut

Thank you

 

[serenitydream]

That's fair. You're right, everyone looks and interprets things differently and a lot of people don't understand that so I can see how that would be hard. You can always look for someone else if they don't understand or look at things similarly to you. Yes I go to therapy, I've gone through like 4 therapists and have been with the one I'm with for about 1 year now. We don't really discuss that she asks me more like how my weeks been or how have I been feeling and base the session off that. My goals overall though are to not be as depressed all the time. I really think I have a chemical inbalance though cause even with medication (I'm on 300mg wellbutrin, 20mg Lexapro and 40mg vvyanse) I am still impacted. I guess it's not as bad as it could be but I'm not going to lie I get break downs still and want to just end it sometimes during those times I feel that way. Usually about 1 week every couple months or so.

Thank you

Thank you for telling me that. <3 I think I understand that you would get break downs with the way that you've been feeling, that's really hard, I'm sorry. With the medications I was given at the psych ward and afterwards they didn't affect my feelings or they would just give me really bad psychical feelings, but I can imagine how you described the medication just masking your depression. How do you feel without taking them?

Maybe if I decide to go to therapy again and I don't like it then I will try again with someone else. Thank you for suggesting that. It's just so much effort for me so I hope it will be better if I do that. How can you determine if a therapist won't be able to help you, or if you just haven't given it a chance for long enough?

 

[spaced00ut]

Thank you for telling me that. <3 I think I understand that you would get break downs with the way that you've been feeling, that's really hard, I'm sorry. With the medications I was given at the psych ward and afterwards they didn't affect my feelings or they would just give me really bad psychical feelings, but I can imagine how you described the medication just masking your depression. How do you feel without taking them?

Maybe if I decide to go to therapy again and I don't like it then I will try again with someone else. Thank you for suggesting that. It's just so much effort for me so I hope it will be better if I do that. How can you determine if a therapist won't be able to help you, or if you just haven't given it a chance for long enough?

Do you remember what they gave you? Honestly I felt worse. I never wanted to get up ouf of bed and I had no motivation to do anything. I just wanted to sleep all day and night in the dark and be alone. Almost numb.
You should. You're paying for it so get the most out of it as you can. I understand how it is so much effort. I'm not sure where you are in the world but I used psychologytoday.com to find all of my therapists.
Honestly after the consultation and about 2 sessions. If I feel comfortable with them a bit and I can see that they are hearing and understanding what I am saying. Overall if it's someone I want to talk to. Same goes for random people lol if you have a bad feeling or you just have completely different outlooks it probably won't work out.

 

[serenitydream]

Do you remember what they gave you? Honestly I felt worse. I never wanted to get up ouf of bed and I had no motivation to do anything. I just wanted to sleep all day and night in the dark and be alone. Almost numb.
You should. You're paying for it so get the most out of it as you can. I understand how it is so much effort. I'm not sure where you are in the world but I used psychologytoday.com to find all of my therapists.
Honestly after the consultation and about 2 sessions. If I feel comfortable with them a bit and I can see that they are hearing and understanding what I am saying. Overall if it's someone I want to talk to. Same goes for random people lol if you have a bad feeling or you just have completely different outlooks it probably won't work out.

The medication that made me feel sick and dizzy was called Trazadone. And the other one I remember was called Lexapro; I think there might have been one more that I can't remember the name of. I just couldn't tell if those were affecting me at all so I stopped taking them.

There was a point while I was admitted that I suddenly felt happy and carefree for about a day, and I really don't understand why that happened. At the time I thought maybe the medications started working after being delayed a few days, but I haven't felt like that since that brief period. I'm not even sure that was a good feeling anyway; it's hard for me to describe but I felt confused and there was something strange about it.

I'm really sorry that you felt like that and for even the way you feel now, although it's better for you with your medication, it still seems very difficult. I wish you could experience something better for yourself. I think I feel very similar to how you described, especially before I got away from my previous situation, I slept so much and could barely do anything. It often felt hard for me to move at all.

I feel so guilty because of how hard I know my friend who's supporting me now is trying while he also has his own problems to handle. I try my best not to put too much emotionally onto him because of how hard things already are.

I'm sorry if I'm asking you too many questions or I'm too personal. Do you feel like you're able to openly talk about your feelings of depression with your husband?

Thank you so much for your suggestions and talking to me about these things. <3 I will look at that site. It probably would be nice for me to choose someone based on their descriptions like that. The appointment I went to was just set up by the people at the medical office I go to, so I didn't know anything beforehand.

 

[Solaria]

Sharing my experience with therapy - my therapist is very focused on practical tools for overcoming my issues so we focus a lot on that in sessions. But we actually don't talk much about past background and experiences that have led me to my current situation, so I sometimes feel I am seeing a coach more than a therapist lol. I appreciate the focus on practical tools but also sometimes feel that the sessions are a bit shallow because we don't talk much about childhood experiences, traumas etc so I feel a bit like we're working on the symptoms but never talking about root causes. This is the only therapist near me that I can access for now so I will stick with that. It's not 100% meeting my needs, but I like the therapist and knowing I have that extra support is helpful.

I have found that therapy can be useful, especially if you're quite isolated and don't have anyone in your life that you can really open up to. But success depends a lot on the relationship between you and the therapist. A good therapist can still be wrong for you if you don't really click or don't feel comfortable with them. The only way to know is to try them out and see how you get on.

As for my own journey - I have been very overwhelmed with stress due to workload and work pressures over the past year. This has exacerbated my mental health problems so despite seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist (therapy + medication, it's the gold standard treatment), I have been feeling more and more suicidal. Today was a really bad day at work and I think maybe I will soon get fired, so I started to spiral. Started to google ctb methods while at work, which led me to SaSu. Very relieved to find a neutral and open-minded space to talk without judgment.

I would rather live than die, but I also don't want to be trapped in never ending pain, which I have lived with most of my life and which keeps getting worse because of work related stresses.

 

[yourmum12344]

Hi
That sounds like such a hard childhood and I couldn't even imagine not going to school or interacting with other kids my age at the time. I completely understand the lonely part. It's hard not to feel that way.

I am a newbie here and still trying to figure this site out. I am in a constant cycle of wanting to CTB and get better. I've always been a depressed person but I find it comes in waves. I'm on a few mental heath medications which help but I feel like they are just masking my depression and making it more bareable, if that makes sense? Nobody would know that I am depressed other than my husband because I also try and mask myself around coworkers and friends. I have for as long as I remember. Which I am a master at (thanks adhdIt's nice to find a space where I can share my feelings and thoughts.

adhd haver here too. masking is exhausting these days

 

[a65b]

I booked my first therapy session today. its gonna be in 3 weeks, im really lucky that a local therapist wasnt completely booked out. I dont know what to expect from it, but its my last attempt at trying to heal. I couldnt do it on my own, im not strong enough of that.

 

[kiwimochii]

Starting to feel like everything is pointless,, does it matter that I'm trying so hard to view life in a better light when nothing gives me pleasure anymore? I have no hobbies, i can enjoy absolutely nothing by myself, i have no passion/drive. Just a log drifting through the river that is life. Hoping it might lead me some place warm but everyday it seems more and more like that place doesn't exist.

I don't want to lose hope but I don't know how to hope anymore really. I'm tired of fantasizing about death while acting like i want to continue living. I'm not sure where to go or what to do from here on

 

[ShadowOfASelf]

I'm planning for my exit for today. I've actually been planning to do it day by day for a few days now but I put it off because at night I kinda feel not as bad for some reason. Since last March when I took antibiotics from a stupid walk-in clinic doctor who gave them to me even after I tested negative for a UTI ("take them just in case") I've had a bunch of GI and rectal issues that have made my life a living hell (they're also embarrassing and humiliating to talk about but basically it's just 24/7 pain and sensation of needing to go that never abates).

It took more than half a year to get doctors to take me seriously because they kept saying it was just "IBS", assuming I was lying that I never felt it before the antibiotics, and whatever. All my scopes are clean. I've been on a ton of other things since, strong prescription laxatives, more antibiotics, I've done x-ray, MRI, CT, and pelvic floor physio which found tension but I've been doing stretches and since then they say there's no tension. I finally saw a GI after a year of waiting and he said it was a tight muscle causing that feeling, though I don't know why it would be causing my stomach to hurt too but I guess it might be related? I've been given valium Suppositories and muscle relaxers. It isn't helping. I already was in a psych ward (voluntarily) because I was contemplating suicide. That got me at least some tests faster but once they decided it was "functional" and in my head, they let me out.

Every day I just think about ending it. I have 1 last test, an MRI defecogram on Friday that will maybe show something but probably not. Maybe this is just my effing brain screwing with me. Maybe there's something wrong with me that people will never find until after I'm gone. I don't know, but my life is hell every day.

But at the same time, there's a couple things keeping me alive, one is the possibility to visiting my best friend who lives in Australia. We've known each other for over a decade but I never went because I was waiting to be done with school and then COVID hit and then this s- happened. And if it really is all in my head maybe being with a human being and being warm and distracted will help.

The other is streaming, which I stopped doing after this all started but started again recently and it's like okay, it doesn't make anything go away but for the period I'm playing and streaming, things are slightly more bearable and idk maybe if I just do it every day then I'll relax and everything will be fine.

I'm very alone. My family has already been looking into assisted suicide in my country and when it looked possible I felt a lot calmer, like knowing this wouldn't be forever if nothing improves. Not now it looks like it's unlikely to impossible due to my condition not being a priority and my age and everything. They're looking into Switzerland but it'll still be like a while if I even get approved and idk.

I feel like basically either I live or I die. If I'm going to wait that long I might as well just see if I get better with a vacation.

It's stupid because with the test just a week way I kinda don't want to do it. I don't want to wake up for it, I don't want to have to do now prep, I don't want more humiliating probing in my private areas (I'm also a SA survivor), and I don't want more doctors telling me everything looks fine. I kinda really just want to end it now.

But also i kinda don't, it feels like I'm lying to myself because every day I wake up and the cycle repeats and I never feel any better, but I just wonder if maybe if I can stream regularly and make it past some more appointments either a solution is found out I can get to Australia and idk.

But a much larger part of me wants to just end it all and not find out what happens next. If I had a gun or a pill that I could take that guaranteed death, I already would have. I want to OD but I guess the chances of that are bad, so probably a combination of taking pills and FSH.

But idk I just need somebody to talk to about this I guess. When I mentioned looking into assisted suicide most of my friends basically just stopped talking to me because they don't want me to die and therefore, ironically, I'm alone with my own thoughts about this. My mom doesn't want me to die either but she also has been watching me suffer for a year.