I would like a better life

[Jamesun]

Here again, well, for months now I've been feeling like shit, my thoughts consume me, I want to stop thinking about how to kill myself.
No matter how hard I try, I still can't stop overthinking, it sucks, I would like to feel a little calm for a moment, I would like to feel good about myself for once, everything that has happened to me these past few months makes me feel like shit, I can't help but think that I have disappointed everyone. School is making me feel horrible seeing everyone getting good grades and me falling behind, I wish I was smart it suffocates me not being able to do things like math, I would like to be someone else, someone who isn't a stupid, distracted piece of shit.
I would like to be well, I don't know what to do, I really think I genuinely don't want to die but I can't help but think about it constantly, I want to receive help and be heard.
Thank you

 

[aeri]

Here again, well, for months now I've been feeling like shit, my thoughts consume me, I want to stop thinking about how to kill myself.
No matter how hard I try, I still can't stop overthinking, it sucks, I would like to feel a little calm for a moment, I would like to feel good about myself for once, everything that has happened to me these past few months makes me feel like shit, I can't help but think that I have disappointed everyone. School is making me feel horrible seeing everyone getting good grades and me falling behind, I wish I was smart it suffocates me not being able to do things like math, I would like to be someone else, someone who isn't a stupid, distracted piece of shit.
I would like to be well, I don't know what to do, I really think I genuinely don't want to die but I can't help but think about it constantly, I want to receive help and be heard.
Thank you

comparison is horrible, especially when we already suffer for different things

i hope you can have all the help you look for. everything you're writing resonate a lot with how i feel. i wish you the best, on this forum you are heard

 

[SomewhatLoved]

School is making me feel horrible seeing everyone getting good grades and me falling behind, I wish I was smart it suffocates me not being able to do things like math, I would like to be someone else, someone who isn't a stupid, distracted piece of shit.

It can get better.

When I was in high school, I graduated with the bare minimum for math and science credits. I dropped the same math class 3 times because I kept failing it.

I'm now 2 years into adulthood, and I had my final exam today retaking that same class. Passed with a grade of over 80%. It's not easy, but you can do anything if you set your mind to it. I'm starting post-secondary now in like 3 days for a program that will get me a respectable job with benefits and decent pay. A few years ago I was on the path to dropping out of high school and I never would've imagined myself here.

I believe in you. Suicide is a sad fate, and if you have any chance of avoiding it I say you should. If you think big picture you might feel overwhelmed, my advice is to take small steps each day.