Venting I would kill myself right now if I didn’t have kids

[Panna]

The 8 year old is either a genius or borderlines it. He reads 3 grade levels ahead, finishes all school work within 5 min so we give him triple work so he doesn't get to bored. He doesn't fall for kid management tactics. It's his ADHD that makes kinda blow up with chaos. He's mentally like a little adult with child emotional abilities. You can't even feed him bs and rainbows about life because he just logics out how he knows your wrong or lying. With intelligence comes awareness, so I can't even protect him from how sad I am or how his dad is acting. He is the main reason Im still here. The little ones would never even remember me... but him, he would kill himself the second I do. He's very close with me since the little ones are autistic and he can't really relate to them. I'm all he has.

That is so cool, the fact that despite his adhd and his intelligence, he doesn't just goof off and manages to find school work at least somewhat entertaining. You basically described me as a kid, except my adhd made me more attached to my video games, then anything worthwhile like reading or learning. It sounds like he has a future ahead him, it's nice that he has a mother who obviously cares for him so much. I hope that you're feeling better today.

 

[Ghost2211]

That is so cool, the fact that despite his adhd and his intelligence, he doesn't just goof off and manages to find school work at least somewhat entertaining. You basically described me as a kid, except my adhd made me more attached to my video games, then anything worthwhile like reading or learning. It sounds like he has a future ahead him, it's nice that he has a mother who obviously cares for him so much. I hope that you're feeling better today.

We have to give him an adhd med for school hours. He likes and requests it since he doesn't like that he can't focus. We only give it for school hours since it eliminates his appetite and makes him want to skin pick.

Doing better today but I'm also stoned, so yeah lol. Thank you for your kindness.

 

[Donewiyhitall]

Thank you guys. Sorry about that. Usually I would just get stoned and find something funny to read. That's basically the difference mj makes. The days I'm stoned posting are days it's going that way and I get it early. I couldn't last night since all the fun happened so late.

Mh 8 year old is currently crying because I told him he needs to eat a moderately healthy breakfast, and when asked to try to calm down bit he went into full blown tantrum. I don't how much longer I can keep doing this. I could deal with the kids special needs without my ex mental health issues or other way around, but the combo is pushing me beyond my coping point. I have no social support, and I can't even leave the house because my selfish ex is always the one to just walk out when stressed.

I don't know how to keep doing this.

Have you looked into NCADV? I just checked and they have a free hotline. Maybe you could call for some direction, guidance and or support?

 

[Ghost2211]

Have you looked into NCADV? I just checked and they have a free hotline. Maybe you could call for some direction, guidance and or support?

Thank you for the suggestion, but I don't think such services will help. This isn't really an abuse situation. I'm not really looking for suggestions. I just needed to panic in a safe way and feel less alone.

 

[Wayfaerer]

He's blaming you for his faults? What an asshole. Having your abusive ex be the head of the household must be incredibly stressful I'd imagine. I understand that there is only so much that one can take if one were to opt out. The fact that you are resisting so hard for your children says a lot about you.

 

[Mm80]

He's beautiful

My Boomer and his wifey Jubilee

They are married ?

 

[Donewiyhitall]

Ohhh, I may have an idea for you!

It's sad really, and will likely keep happening. A couple months ago they were thinking of reopening school, but then Covid surged again. I was going to look for a job doing elder care since taking care of others is really the only thing I know how to do, but with Covid there is no way I can do that...

Thank you for the suggestion, but I don't think such services will help. This isn't really an abuse situation. I'm not really looking for suggestions. I just needed to panic in a safe way and feel less alone.

I gotcha. I'm a fix it person for everyone else but myself. The person I'd like to give a swift kick in the knickers, everyday. Glad to be reminded of that. We all appreciate and support you!

 

[Cherrypea]

I haven't, but I'll be sure to check it out. Shows are great at passing time. Thank you for the suggestion.

Have you guys seen Ricky Gervais in After life on Netflix? It's about him wanting to ctb after his wife dies.

this is a problem about the UK and covid. people are wrongly informed. the rules haven't relaxed.they had relaxed them, it all started going wrong again and now the measures are back.

people think that covids just gone away and start acting normal....then it all comes back again.

I mean the rules have relaxed for kids, my youngest is back at school and gymnastics and swimming classes. She can go to the playground and have playdates. The secondary school next door has 400 out of 1200 pupils isolating due to potential contact with covid. My eldest has started our local University and that'll all be online. Mixed messages.

I hope you are feeling calmer Rosey. I've done the school run and dog walk and back in bed for as long as possible.

 

[SheJumped]

I'm such a failure. I should be able to provide better for them alone, but I can't.

No, I won't impulse kill myself with kids here. Regardless of how distressed I am I can't be that bad a parent.

As a parent you should know you're far from a failure. You're doing everything you can.
I have a child myself and that is the reason I haven't caught the bus. You're incredibly strong.

 

[Stolen Absolution]

@RoseyBird I feel you. I truly do. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not easy being so ready to die, but unable to. Fighting a different level of guilt on who will be left behind.

I'm a mother. I'm more afraid to live than I am to die. I'm unafraid of pain in death (giving birth naturally will do that to ya lol). I'm holding on just like you are.

You know, I was just listening to some random music on YouTube the other night. My phone dropped and as I went to pick it back up, I must have clicked on a different recommend song by accident. I decided to listen to it. I'll link it below. It may not be an exact replica of my situation, but it completely fucking destroyed me. I don't know how to do this anymore.

Much love to you and all fellow parents here. The pressure is immense to not only stick around, but to be a good role model; pretend you're well in order to not fuck the kids up even more. I try so hard. I help with schoolwork, watch them draw, play games with them, have deep talks. But they see me losing weight. They see me crying on the porch. I'm proud of every single one of you for holding on for another day.

 

[Final Escape]

I had no kids and I suppose it does make it easier to end it. There's no one to stick around for unless u have friends, spouse or partner, or extended family present in your life once u get older. It's harder to find friends at middle age depending on your situation.

 

[Ghost2211]

@RoseyBird I feel you. I truly do. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not easy being so ready to die, but unable to. Fighting a different level of guilt on who will be left behind.

I'm a mother. I'm more afraid to live than I am to die. I'm unafraid of pain in death (giving birth naturally will do that to ya lol). I'm holding on just like you are.

You know, I was just listening to some random music on YouTube the other night. My phone dropped and as I went to pick it back up, I must have clicked on a different recommend song by accident. I decided to listen to it. I'll link it below. It may not be an exact replica of my situation, but it completely fucking destroyed me. I don't know how to do this anymore.

Much love to you and all fellow parents here. The pressure is immense to not only stick around, but to be a good role model; pretend you're well in order to not fuck the kids up even more. I try so hard. I help with schoolwork, watch them draw, play games with them, have deep talks. But they see me losing weight. They see me crying on the porch. I'm proud of every single one of you for holding on for another day.

Couldn't finish the song... made me cry within the first 2 min. It's why I keep going. They are more important than I am. I know exactly what my death would do to them since we are so close. It's not like they are unloved and wouldn't notice me gone. It would shatter their world and their potential. That's why I haven't done it. I'm not afraid to die... SI isn't even a factor, and turns out I'm into the sensation of hypoxia and could die feeling real good. It's my hand in life and I accept that, but it hurts so much to spend your whole life wanting to die.