I wonder what he will do when i kill myself

[vertigokandy]

I think he might care for a while, maybe it will be one of those silly lore stories like oh yeah i met someone and they killed themselves.
Probably get some pity from others and maybe it will be a push for him to find the most perfect brilliant girl of his dreams to care and love him like i can't.

I really think i should hurry up and commit since i am wasting his youth, and the less he spends with me the faster he will get over it since it will be better for him if i am gone. I know i should break up with him before i kill myself as that will be the most decent thing to do, but at the same time i don't know if it would really be best, heart break i don't think would even cross his mind, if anything it would be guilt, and i don't want him to feel that.
I have wanted to die long before we met and he knows, he knows i am suicidal that i am planning to die as soon as possible but there is a big chance he is not realizing how present suicide is for me.
Every day i struggle not saying fuck it and just De-railing my way to work to jump into the freeway, but well it will be best for him if i am gone, i am not worth it but he won't leave me unless i hurt him but i don't want to hurt him.
But maybe i should.

 

[Give Up The Ghost]

It sounds like you really care about this person and don't want to hurt him by leaving, but you're also struggling so much to stay. That must be really tough. I'm sorry

You say you're wasting his youth, but what about yours? How come his life matters and yours doesn't? Doesn't seem fair to me

 

[fadedghost]

I think he might care for a while, maybe it will be one of those silly lore stories like oh yeah i met someone and they killed themselves.
Probably get some pity from others and maybe it will be a push for him to find the most perfect brilliant girl of his dreams to care and love him like i can't.

I really think i should hurry up and commit since i am wasting his youth, and the less he spends with me the faster he will get over it since it will be better for him if i am gone. I know i should break up with him before i kill myself as that will be the most decent thing to do, but at the same time i don't know if it would really be best, heart break i don't think would even cross his mind, if anything it would be guilt, and i don't want him to feel that.
I have wanted to die long before we met and he knows, he knows i am suicidal that i am planning to die as soon as possible but there is a big chance he is not realizing how present suicide is for me.
Every day i struggle not saying fuck it and just De-railing my way to work to jump into the freeway, but well it will be best for him if i am gone, i am not worth it but he won't leave me unless i hurt him but i don't want to hurt him.
But maybe i should.

you sound based on your typing to be really young. have you tried therapy? medication? regular exercise (which is boring and annoying but can help)? getting a job to be more financially independent?

are you attracted to this guy? do you like him?