Venting I would kill myself right now if I didn’t have kids

[Ghost2211]

I'm really not ok. My ex got into a fight with me and said "what's wrong with you". That question was triggering because all of my suicidal issue revolve around things I've been through from him, or how trapped I feel due to him supporting the household. In response I yelled "you". I'm so trapped feeling since if I upset him too much he might kill himself since he's heartbroken I can't forgive his cheating, using me, or leaving me. His bs manipulation just never ends, and I can't get away from his control because I'm afraid for the children's future.

If I didn't have them I would drink the SN right now with zero hesitation. I'm so sad and angry I can't die. He huffed out without even saying a word to the children and they kept asking me if he would ever come back. I'm such a failure. I should be able to provide better for them alone, but I can't.

No, I won't impulse kill myself with kids here. Regardless of how distressed I am I can't be that bad a parent.

 

[nitroautnz]

You not a bad person even less a bad parents. You do what you can to provide for them in a difficult situation, and no matter how hard it is on you, you stick for them and is strong for enduring all of this.

Do you have a local association that can help regarding moving away if possible ? Or at least not having to rely on him that much ?

 

[foxdie]

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. You're such a empathetic and supportive user to everyone on here. And you clearly love your kids deeply. I don't have kids so I can't even imagine the pain it causes having children and wanting to ctb. I wish I could help you somehow but I'm sending love your way, you are not alone mon ami

 

[tidalwxves]

I'm really not ok. My ex got into a fight with me and said "what's wrong with you". That question was triggering because all of my suicidal issue revolve around things I've been through from him, or how trapped I feel due to him supporting the household. In response I yelled "you". I'm so trapped feeling since if I upset him too much he might kill himself since he's heartbroken I can't forgive his cheating, using me, or leaving me. His bs manipulation just never ends, and I can't get away from his control because I'm afraid for the children's future.

If I didn't have them I would drink the SN right now with zero hesitation. I'm so sad and angry I can't die. He huffed out without even saying a word to the children and they kept asking me if he would ever come back. I'm such a failure. I should be able to provide better for them alone, but I can't.

No, I won't impulse kill myself with kids here. Regardless of how distressed I am I can't be that bad a parent.

I'm proud of you for your strength in this situation. I hope we as a community can create a space for you to feel unburdened and rest. I'm glad you are venting instead of bottling up your feelings.

 

[Ghost2211]

You not a bad person even less a bad parents. You do what you can to provide for them in a difficult situation, and no matter how hard it is on you, you stick for them and is strong for enduring all of this.

Do you have a local association that can help regarding moving away if possible ? Or at least not having to rely on him that much ?

I need to get through this till they are adults. I would be taking them out of comfortable financial security and bringing them to poverty, and they are special needs.I can't be that selfish and weak. I regret everything. I brought this on myself.

 

[almost_dead]

I'm really not ok. My ex got into a fight with me and said "what's wrong with you". That question was triggering because all of my suicidal issue revolve around things I've been through from him, or how trapped I feel due to him supporting the household. In response I yelled "you". I'm so trapped feeling since if I upset him too much he might kill himself since he's heartbroken I can't forgive his cheating, using me, or leaving me. His bs manipulation just never ends, and I can't get away from his control because I'm afraid for the children's future.

If I didn't have them I would drink the SN right now with zero hesitation. I'm so sad and angry I can't die. He huffed out without even saying a word to the children and they kept asking me if he would ever come back. I'm such a failure. I should be able to provide better for them alone, but I can't.

No, I won't impulse kill myself with kids here. Regardless of how distressed I am I can't be that bad a parent.

 

[Donewiyhitall]

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. You're such a empathetic and supportive user to everyone on here. And you clearly love your kids deeply. I don't have kids so I can't even imagine the pain it causes having children and wanting to ctb. I wish I could help you somehow but I'm sending love your way, you are not alone mon ami

All this and more!!
I respect you for wanting to but not, due to you babies. I grew up with a severely alcoholic father and my mother would not divorce him for the longest time because she was scared of course this was a couple of decades ago and things were different but when she did it was the best thing that could have happened to our entire family. Can you make daily or weekly, baby steps to reach a spot where you are stronger to make choices for safety and happiness? I wish i had better comforting skills but, i feel like you are in a hole & that can be incredibly hard to crawl out of. Baby steps. Every day or week, do something for you. Only you. Get your confidence up and start making a goal to get out of a toxic relationship. Baby steps. Try hard to not let a bully, drowned your spirit. You're a great mommy. Find your strength to win one battle at a time. We all love and appreciate you!

 

[Ghost2211]

Man the shit going through my head right now... I want to cut or play choking game... and I can't act on any of it. All I can do to process the frustration and sadness is cry, and it's just making feel worse. Calm down stuff helps, but then I just get sad again. Fuck him for walking out on all of us because he got a dose of honesty.

 

[Donewiyhitall]

Man the shit going through my head right now... I want to cut or play choking game... and I can't act on any of it. All I can do to process the frustration and sadness is cry, and it's just making feel worse. Calm down stuff helps, but then I just get sad again. Fuck him for walking out on all of us because he got a dose of honesty.

Cry, calm down stuff and whatever it takes to get you through.
I know you want to leave but can't.
I hope you realize your value and steer clear of those that don't.

 

[Lmd]

fckin hate cheaters, they make me angry. Im so sorry you are passing through this and being in such a delicated situation. Having the nerves to stay calm and dont do any risky says a lot about you and I really hope you find relief somewhere because that really sucks

 

[Panna]

I'm such a failure. I should be able to provide better for them alone, but I can't.

No, I won't impulse kill myself with kids here. Regardless of how distressed I am I can't be that bad a parent.

Just remember, if you were a failure, you would kill yourself right now without any consideration for those young ones, it's that mentality that shows just how competent you are.

 

[woxihuanni]

Please don't blame yourself. And fuck him all the way to hell and back.

 

[MariV]

we are in the same boat. me with my mother amd you with your kids. same principle. i know the desperation of being trapped im the dilemma. i send you all my strenght. you can do it

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

You are a strong, caring parent. You remind me of my own mother who devoted her life to bettering mine.

I suspect your children bring you great joy. Could they be a coping mechanism of sorts for you? When the world seems overwhelming, could you embrace them or engage them in some way so you are reminded of your reasons for living and they can replace the trouble in your heart with a little bit of joy?

 

[Acopia]

What I can see here is a good mother who is putting her children first.
You keep focusing on your beautiful babies, they need you more than they need him right now.
Even if you don't feel it, you're doing such a good job! Well done.

- Acopia

 

[Cherrypea]

Sending you love sweetie. I had a big argument with my partner on Thursday evening and if I'd had the means I think I'd have ctb on Friday regardless of the kids. I'm purposely withholding getting what I need so I don't act on impulse. You've done so well keeping it together, it's really distressing I know.
On Friday I told him I given up and spent a couple of days in bed crying and left him to look after everything. I then asked him to read about suicide ideation and try to understand how I'm feeling. Most of the time I hate him, he irritates me beyond belief so it's hard to talk to him but I was fed up with him thinking the same, what is wrong with me.
Do you have any social support or help with the kids?
Don't forget you are amazing xxx

 

[TheQ22]

I understand, my wife was a manipulative nightmare and now her life is booming while I'm sinking. I too worry about the kids but I can't hang on, I feel like my life is done and I don't want to be here any more.

It's a dilemma but I don't think I can carry on with the pain for another number of years.

 

[Ghost2211]

Thank you guys. Sorry about that. Usually I would just get stoned and find something funny to read. That's basically the difference mj makes. The days I'm stoned posting are days it's going that way and I get it early. I couldn't last night since all the fun happened so late.

Mh 8 year old is currently crying because I told him he needs to eat a moderately healthy breakfast, and when asked to try to calm down bit he went into full blown tantrum. I don't how much longer I can keep doing this. I could deal with the kids special needs without my ex mental health issues or other way around, but the combo is pushing me beyond my coping point. I have no social support, and I can't even leave the house because my selfish ex is always the one to just walk out when stressed.

I don't know how to keep doing this.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Do you have any help from your parents?

You mention your kids are special needs. What supports are available to them, such as home aides or counselors?

 

[Lilacmoon]

Manipulation and cheating is horrible, on top of everything you're already dealing with, Rosie. You're always so kind and open to everyone else here, so I'm glad there are plenty reaching out to support you too. My thoughts are with you, for however little that is worth, and I wish I had some advice to give that could help. You're a good mother, and you're doing your best. That's all anyone can do, right?

 

[Panna]

Mh 8 year old is currently crying because I told him he needs to eat a moderately healthy breakfast, and when asked to try to calm down bit he went into full blown tantrum. I don't how much longer I can keep doing this. I could deal with the kids special needs without my ex mental health issues or other way around, but the combo is pushing me beyond my coping point. I have no social support, and I can't even leave the house because my selfish ex is always the one to just walk out when stressed.

The trick is to make it into a game. I have a sibling with downs who is extremely defiant and doesn't want to do anything on most days, food or dressing etc., so what I tend to do is get him into a good mood first, (he loves thinking he's stronger than me for example, so I let him "spin" me across the room etc) make him laugh lots, and he's more willing to do what I need him to do. Children are wonderfully simple that way.

 

[BipolarGuy]

I'm really not ok. My ex got into a fight with me and said "what's wrong with you". That question was triggering because all of my suicidal issue revolve around things I've been through from him, or how trapped I feel due to him supporting the household. In response I yelled "you". I'm so trapped feeling since if I upset him too much he might kill himself since he's heartbroken I can't forgive his cheating, using me, or leaving me. His bs manipulation just never ends, and I can't get away from his control because I'm afraid for the children's future.

If I didn't have them I would drink the SN right now with zero hesitation. I'm so sad and angry I can't die. He huffed out without even saying a word to the children and they kept asking me if he would ever come back. I'm such a failure. I should be able to provide better for them alone, but I can't.

No, I won't impulse kill myself with kids here. Regardless of how distressed I am I can't be that bad a parent.

You need someone in your life who will guide you out of the vortex of bs with him.

 

[Ghost2211]

Do you have any help from your parents?

You mention your kids are special needs. What supports are available to them, such as home aides or counselors?

I don't have extended family. They're all dead or abusive, or both. We have 8 hours a week of ABA for the toddler, but with the school closed the older two are just home all the time.

The trick is to make it into a game. I have a sibling with downs who is extremely defiant and doesn't want to do anything on most days, food or dressing etc., so what I tend to do is get him into a good mood first, (he loves thinking he's stronger than me for example, so I let him "spin" me across the room etc) make him laugh lots, and he's more willing to do what I need him to do. Children are wonderfully simple that way.

The 8 year old is either a genius or borderlines it. He reads 3 grade levels ahead, finishes all school work within 5 min so we give him triple work so he doesn't get to bored. He doesn't fall for kid management tactics. It's his ADHD that makes kinda blow up with chaos. He's mentally like a little adult with child emotional abilities. You can't even feed him bs and rainbows about life because he just logics out how he knows your wrong or lying. With intelligence comes awareness, so I can't even protect him from how sad I am or how his dad is acting. He is the main reason Im still here. The little ones would never even remember me... but him, he would kill himself the second I do. He's very close with me since the little ones are autistic and he can't really relate to them. I'm all he has.

You need someone in your life who will guide you out of the vortex of bs with him.

I don't think there is a friend or lover in the world that would want to deal with this bs lol.

 

[Cherrypea]

Can you at least get out with the kids for walks or the park? Do they have any friends they can go to for playdates? Any other mums you can chat with? (I'm useless at that myself) Any idea when school is reopening? I actually found it crushing when my littlest went back, I hadn't realised how much she was holding me together.

 

[Ghost2211]

Can you at least get out with the kids for walks or the park? Do they have any friends they can go to for playdates? Any other mums you can chat with? (I'm useless at that myself) Any idea when school is reopening? I actually found it crushing when my littlest went back, I hadn't realised how much she was holding me together.

We go for walks. They get mad and tantrum, but then are happy we went. I'll take the for a walk in about an hour. It does help. Parks are still closed and we can't socialize due to covid. I'm sure I'm not the only parent dying inside from quarantine.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

you're not a failure. you're doing the best you can for them, you're holding on for them, and that shows that you aren't a failure in the slightest. it isn't your fault that your ex is such an awful person.

 

[Sir_nihilist]

I'm really not ok. My ex got into a fight with me and said "what's wrong with you". That question was triggering because all of my suicidal issue revolve around things I've been through from him, or how trapped I feel due to him supporting the household. In response I yelled "you". I'm so trapped feeling since if I upset him too much he might kill himself since he's heartbroken I can't forgive his cheating, using me, or leaving me. His bs manipulation just never ends, and I can't get away from his control because I'm afraid for the children's future.

If I didn't have them I would drink the SN right now with zero hesitation. I'm so sad and angry I can't die. He huffed out without even saying a word to the children and they kept asking me if he would ever come back. I'm such a failure. I should be able to provide better for them alone, but I can't.

No, I won't impulse kill myself with kids here. Regardless of how distressed I am I can't be that bad a parent.

This is why I don't want kids or didn't even wanted to have a girlfriend since last many years.

Cause I don't want any responsibility in this world, I want to be able to leave anytime.

 

[BipolarGuy]

I don't think there is a friend or lover in the world that would want to deal with this bs lol.

You'd be surprised how easy it is for someone outside the box to deal with it very swiftly.

 

[Cherrypea]

We go for walks. They get mad and tantrum, but then are happy we went. I'll take the for a walk in about an hour. It does help. Parks are still closed and we can't socialize due to covid. I'm sure I'm not the only parent dying inside from quarantine.

Yes that's hard, rules have relaxed here in the UK, for now at least, but I think winter will be tougher.
But good you can get out every day, even with the tantrums x

 

[Drowning fish]

You are such a strong and empathetic person. <3
Your children are really lucky to have you. I'm sorry you have to go through all this shit.