Death is so difficult. I'm really worried that I'm never going to find my way out. I've tried everything there is to try and don't want to try anymore. I don't even want to try for death because of how guilty I feel. I haven't been able to sleep or eat for quite a while now and it's only making things worse. Food is disgusting and sleep is just out of reach.
I wish I could at least cut but I don't even have that luxury at the moment. All I have is dissociation from the inner turmoil. It's so so tiring and I can't keep this up forever. I'm worried that I'll continue to be pushed past my breaking point without gathering the will to take action. Oh god, this is horrible.
Between being agoraphobic, having insomnia, and no appetite, I am having a lot of trouble coping. Nothing can make this worth it to me, I'm slowly being pushed towards the hardest decision of my life. I've wanted to die for quite some time but never planned an attempt because of the horrible guilt I carry. I really am worried that I'm not going to be able to do it at the same time as I'm worried I'm going to do it and traumatizing my parents.
This is what I want, but I just feel so much pressure to live. The suffering just goes on and on and I try to make something out of it to no avail. I'm worried that there will be no non-violent methods easily available by the time my parents have passed away but my method of choice has a shelf life so it isn't like I can just buy it and hold on to it for years. Even then.... Years???
This is horrid.
This reality is a nightmare.
I wish I could at least cut but I don't even have that luxury at the moment. All I have is dissociation from the inner turmoil. It's so so tiring and I can't keep this up forever. I'm worried that I'll continue to be pushed past my breaking point without gathering the will to take action. Oh god, this is horrible.
Between being agoraphobic, having insomnia, and no appetite, I am having a lot of trouble coping. Nothing can make this worth it to me, I'm slowly being pushed towards the hardest decision of my life. I've wanted to die for quite some time but never planned an attempt because of the horrible guilt I carry. I really am worried that I'm not going to be able to do it at the same time as I'm worried I'm going to do it and traumatizing my parents.
This is what I want, but I just feel so much pressure to live. The suffering just goes on and on and I try to make something out of it to no avail. I'm worried that there will be no non-violent methods easily available by the time my parents have passed away but my method of choice has a shelf life so it isn't like I can just buy it and hold on to it for years. Even then.... Years???
This is horrid.
This reality is a nightmare.
