hoppybunny
Fearer of the Future
- Jun 26, 2024
- 232
I wish my mum would leave me alone.
Anytime I'm working towards changing myself and starting to feel good it's like my mum has a built in signal for it. Cause she swoops in to get in my way each time.
Like not necessarily to stop me (but she does sometimes) but to take credit for everything.
I don't want to be that person that throws about therapy speak but my mum has narcissist tendencies and a saviour complex so she needs everything to be about her.
This is most obvious with my weight. She and my dad like to say they've been "battling" my sister and i over our weight since we were kids but in reality we just had baby fat and they didn't allow us to burn the energy like normal kids for most of our lives and then started putting is on ed twitter level diets since we were like 8 - 9 years old.
They never let us go outside at all, refused to let us join any sports but then complained about our weight all the time. Saying it's embarrassing and we look like pigs.
This behaviour has consistently continued where they keep sabotaging us and offering insane methods as a solution for weightloss.
When i was like 13 she made my sister and i drink laxatives every night to get rid of thr "food" we had in the daytime. And we had to drink it in front of her so she knew we weren't pouring them out.
Then during the day she would only let us eat vegetables andnwe weren't allowed to have meat or any carbs. All while allowing our brothers to eat all the unhealthy food they wanted. And my mother herself was overweight but kept saying she was skinny and that she could eat whatever she wanted cause she was small for her size.
The worst part about the whole thing was that i was genuinely not fat at the time. Like i was only about to tip into being fat. And she was much larger than me calling me fat.
The starving she forced unto us caused my sister and i to start binge eating cause it literally felt like we would never have food again. So anytime we had food especially at school we ate as much as possible.
This caused us to actually gain weight and now we're like super obese. But it's not like i haven't tried to change myself. I could definitely try harder honestly but it takes a lot for me to have motivation to do anything and her and my dad are experts at crushing my spirit then blaiming me for it.
Even now looking at myself in the mirror makes me disgusted and i still have the stupid binge eating habit because my mum still doesn't let me eat most of the stuff in the house.
But in terms of how many times I've been sabotaged it's more times than i can count. When i try to stop my binging habit and eat like normal, she puts me on a new "fad" diet that destroys my mental health and causes me to binge.
One time she told me i could buy my own food for meel prep and not even less than one week in she said i was wasting her money buying unhealthy food and i wasn't going to lose weight and called everything i ate trash and useless and basically made me feel so bad that i couldn't ask her for money again even though she offered the money first.
After that i tried meal prep again through using my college foodbank but she did the same thing again and my dad even joined in. Saying things like if it tastes good it shouldn't be in your mouth and making nasty faces and hovering around me whenever i cooked
I am not even exaggerating when i say this is the face i was met with everytime i cooked.
I lliterally was making cabbage boiled in tomatoes and meat balls so i could cut down on my rice and carb intake by using cabbage. And he said that the cabbage became unhealthy cause i boiled it and would make me fat. And that i should eat it raw and stop esting rice and meat altogether.
I've tried joining sports too. I joined rotc and was part of the orientiering team and we had physical training twice a week, and i actually started losing weight. And my mile time went from 30 minutes to 11 and i was so wxcited to finally be healthy for once but suprise suprise suddenly my mum had an issue with it because i was growing (non existent) muscles and that was unladylike and said if i continued doing any physical training and strength exercises like pushups she would refuse to fill out my paperwork so i can't continue rotc. She did this knowing full well ROTC had physical training as 70% of my grade. So i had to quit. Till today she says very hurtful and rage baity things like "i wish i could quit things as easily as u. I don't know why you just left rotc like that." And calls me a liar whenever I say it's because of her. And still refuses to take responsibility.
After that, I tried to join the rugby team because my rotc friends invited me at first she pretended to let me try it and i genuinely enjoyed my first day even though it was hard and straining but then she suddenly said that she didn't have the time or energy to be able to take me to the practices or matches and it was a good thing anyway because it was an unladylike sport for me so I couldn't join the GIRL'S rugby team. A TEAM FULL OF GIRLS was unladylike. And the worst part is that my mother then told my brother that he should join the chess club and he said no cause she won't have time and she told him she can make time for him?!?!?!!? Like wth?!?!
She then tried to act like a hero and told me she signed me up for tennis tryouts, because like i said with the saviour complex, she can take credit for this and say i only lost weight thanks to her signing me up for the very womanly and feminine sport,tennis. Because i can only do things she has choses. But unlike rugby, you can't just sign up for it and join. You have to actually be good so i couldn't get in. And then she said it's my fault for not being able to surpass girls that have been doing tennis since they were like 4.
The next year i had a friend who enjoyed k-pop like me and she introduced me to k-cardio. And I started doing it everyday and i was losing weight again and suprise suprise my mum shows up one day while I'm doing it and asls to join me. And this is my mother, i know it's not a request she is just feigning politeness and telling me she will join me.
When she joins she barely does any dancing and just shuffles side to side. Then out of nowhere she's like you smell so bad. Why are you sweating so much. Women shouldn't sweat and said i was doing too much. She was like "see i just did a simple 2 step instead and i still feel like i got a good workout. You should so it like me from now on."
Then after calling me gross and killing my mood she left and everytime i try to pick the habit back up i just remember how embarrassed i was in that moment.
Then like a few months later after i gain back the weight she tells me i need to do something about my weight and forces me to go on walks outside everyday even though my area smell terrible and all the plants activate my allergies.
And she has just been doing things like that till now. Just always showing Up when i start trying to pick up a new habit or get healthier and she kills my mood or suggests a new weight loss method. Or sends me a new motivational weight loss video.
So then if i do actually lose weight she will go around and twll everyone, i lost weight because she "didn't give ul on me and i turned my life around after she sent me a video or some bullshit"
This is not me making assumptions. She has actually done this in almost every area of my life besides my weight and has basically killed almost every passion i have in my life.
When i used to draw everyday she would yell at me and tell me i was wasting my time and one day she even threatened to beat me because i was making a poster in 8th grade when i had no homework and all A's and apparently should have been studying for my SAT in 3 years instead. I finished the poster anyway and put it up and she literally took a photo and shared it in her friend chat to brag and said I'm only good at art cause she used to like art and i got it from her. I kept drawing anyway even though that incident hurt me a lot but she kept saying my art was distracting me and anytime school wss difficult for me, she would blame my art instead of helping me. I eventually just stopped drawing and then lo and bbeholdafter i stopped drawing all of a sudden she was like i want to give u money so i can invest and you can start selling your art online. Basically wanting me to make cheap aliexpress merch for animes that are popular. And when i said no she said, "see i do supoort your art so stop saying i don't, you're the one who doesn't want to draw"
I have not much in life. No money, no looks, not many friends(but that's ok honestly) if I'm being foreal all i have is my pride left. So whenever she tries to "encourage" me to lose weight, i instantly lose all my motivation and stop all efforts to lose weight because i would rather be ugly and have nothing than ever give her the satisfaction of taking credit for my efforts again.
But i recently got a part time job and i finally told myself i want to make a difference in my life and stop caring about her and lose weight no matter what and it seems my Mum got the signal to take credit for everything, especially since my graduation was coming up and she is throwing a graduation party against my will. So she most likely wanted me to stop eating to lose weight for the party i didn't want to have and only exits to brag, because today she literally sent me a stupid fucking video about a guy who didn't eat for over a month to lose weight and i will literally quote her fucking words right now
"I hope this motivates you to do something drastic about this weight issue that we have been fighting with you guys about."
She literally wants me to fucking starve myself to lose weight and has been trying to force me to take ozempic for the past year. This is the same woman that refuses to spend 500 on a decent lawn mower so my dad doesn't break his back and refuses to call the repair guy to fix our garage but she and my dad apparently has enough to pay 1000 a month for ozempic. And they even forced me to go to a doctor and my dad was even going to go into the room and speak to the doctor for me and tell them i had no control over my self and have an insatiable appetite and i need medicine to supress my hunger.
I tolf them not to let my dad in and instead of the fuckass nurses being discrete they straight up told him i said he couldn't come so i had to lie and say i Don't know why they said that. And he brings it up once a month and complains about how he felt like they were treating him like a molester. And it's like yeah i feel bad u were treated that way but how tf do u think i feel. I'm 21 fucking years old and my dad is speaking for me at the doctor's office. Is it not humiliating for me?!?!! So it's ok for me to be humiliated but not you?!?! Am i not a human being ?!?
Anyway after she sent me that she then told me she wants us to go to Nigeria next year and so i should take that into consideration for my weight loss.
So she has essentially taken this entire month from me because of that starvation video and if i do lose any weight she'll say it's because the video she sent motivated me. And she has stolen 2026 from me as well because if i lose weight she'll say i did it for her because we're going to nigeria in december.
I know i sound suoer childish but i mean it when i say my pride is literally all i have.
But i had to type this out because i almost webt to binge eat my anger away.
I'm going to try my best to work hard and lose weight. Especially once i get money so i can start meal prepping again and start exercising.
I think her actions triggered me so much today cause i literally exercised for the first time in months yesterdays and i was so proud of myself and then just literally the next day she starts trying to "save" me from my weight. And i don't know I'm just really mad.
I need to move out. But no one is hiring me. And i know i can't wait till i move out to start losing weight because i have no idea when that will be. But it's so hard to let go of my pride and just ignore my mum and dad's opinion.
My therapist said i should ignore them because i know my truth and i know I'm losing weight for myself but it's so hard because their truth is considered the truth since my mum especially will tell everyone it was her and i can't refute it because i don't want to cause discourse in the family or embarass her in front of ppl.
Damn this is so long. If u read this far. Thanks for giving me your time.
Anytime I'm working towards changing myself and starting to feel good it's like my mum has a built in signal for it. Cause she swoops in to get in my way each time.
Like not necessarily to stop me (but she does sometimes) but to take credit for everything.
I don't want to be that person that throws about therapy speak but my mum has narcissist tendencies and a saviour complex so she needs everything to be about her.
This is most obvious with my weight. She and my dad like to say they've been "battling" my sister and i over our weight since we were kids but in reality we just had baby fat and they didn't allow us to burn the energy like normal kids for most of our lives and then started putting is on ed twitter level diets since we were like 8 - 9 years old.
They never let us go outside at all, refused to let us join any sports but then complained about our weight all the time. Saying it's embarrassing and we look like pigs.
This behaviour has consistently continued where they keep sabotaging us and offering insane methods as a solution for weightloss.
When i was like 13 she made my sister and i drink laxatives every night to get rid of thr "food" we had in the daytime. And we had to drink it in front of her so she knew we weren't pouring them out.
Then during the day she would only let us eat vegetables andnwe weren't allowed to have meat or any carbs. All while allowing our brothers to eat all the unhealthy food they wanted. And my mother herself was overweight but kept saying she was skinny and that she could eat whatever she wanted cause she was small for her size.
The worst part about the whole thing was that i was genuinely not fat at the time. Like i was only about to tip into being fat. And she was much larger than me calling me fat.
The starving she forced unto us caused my sister and i to start binge eating cause it literally felt like we would never have food again. So anytime we had food especially at school we ate as much as possible.
This caused us to actually gain weight and now we're like super obese. But it's not like i haven't tried to change myself. I could definitely try harder honestly but it takes a lot for me to have motivation to do anything and her and my dad are experts at crushing my spirit then blaiming me for it.
Even now looking at myself in the mirror makes me disgusted and i still have the stupid binge eating habit because my mum still doesn't let me eat most of the stuff in the house.
But in terms of how many times I've been sabotaged it's more times than i can count. When i try to stop my binging habit and eat like normal, she puts me on a new "fad" diet that destroys my mental health and causes me to binge.
One time she told me i could buy my own food for meel prep and not even less than one week in she said i was wasting her money buying unhealthy food and i wasn't going to lose weight and called everything i ate trash and useless and basically made me feel so bad that i couldn't ask her for money again even though she offered the money first.
After that i tried meal prep again through using my college foodbank but she did the same thing again and my dad even joined in. Saying things like if it tastes good it shouldn't be in your mouth and making nasty faces and hovering around me whenever i cooked
I am not even exaggerating when i say this is the face i was met with everytime i cooked.
I lliterally was making cabbage boiled in tomatoes and meat balls so i could cut down on my rice and carb intake by using cabbage. And he said that the cabbage became unhealthy cause i boiled it and would make me fat. And that i should eat it raw and stop esting rice and meat altogether.
I've tried joining sports too. I joined rotc and was part of the orientiering team and we had physical training twice a week, and i actually started losing weight. And my mile time went from 30 minutes to 11 and i was so wxcited to finally be healthy for once but suprise suprise suddenly my mum had an issue with it because i was growing (non existent) muscles and that was unladylike and said if i continued doing any physical training and strength exercises like pushups she would refuse to fill out my paperwork so i can't continue rotc. She did this knowing full well ROTC had physical training as 70% of my grade. So i had to quit. Till today she says very hurtful and rage baity things like "i wish i could quit things as easily as u. I don't know why you just left rotc like that." And calls me a liar whenever I say it's because of her. And still refuses to take responsibility.
After that, I tried to join the rugby team because my rotc friends invited me at first she pretended to let me try it and i genuinely enjoyed my first day even though it was hard and straining but then she suddenly said that she didn't have the time or energy to be able to take me to the practices or matches and it was a good thing anyway because it was an unladylike sport for me so I couldn't join the GIRL'S rugby team. A TEAM FULL OF GIRLS was unladylike. And the worst part is that my mother then told my brother that he should join the chess club and he said no cause she won't have time and she told him she can make time for him?!?!?!!? Like wth?!?!
She then tried to act like a hero and told me she signed me up for tennis tryouts, because like i said with the saviour complex, she can take credit for this and say i only lost weight thanks to her signing me up for the very womanly and feminine sport,tennis. Because i can only do things she has choses. But unlike rugby, you can't just sign up for it and join. You have to actually be good so i couldn't get in. And then she said it's my fault for not being able to surpass girls that have been doing tennis since they were like 4.
The next year i had a friend who enjoyed k-pop like me and she introduced me to k-cardio. And I started doing it everyday and i was losing weight again and suprise suprise my mum shows up one day while I'm doing it and asls to join me. And this is my mother, i know it's not a request she is just feigning politeness and telling me she will join me.
When she joins she barely does any dancing and just shuffles side to side. Then out of nowhere she's like you smell so bad. Why are you sweating so much. Women shouldn't sweat and said i was doing too much. She was like "see i just did a simple 2 step instead and i still feel like i got a good workout. You should so it like me from now on."
Then after calling me gross and killing my mood she left and everytime i try to pick the habit back up i just remember how embarrassed i was in that moment.
Then like a few months later after i gain back the weight she tells me i need to do something about my weight and forces me to go on walks outside everyday even though my area smell terrible and all the plants activate my allergies.
And she has just been doing things like that till now. Just always showing Up when i start trying to pick up a new habit or get healthier and she kills my mood or suggests a new weight loss method. Or sends me a new motivational weight loss video.
So then if i do actually lose weight she will go around and twll everyone, i lost weight because she "didn't give ul on me and i turned my life around after she sent me a video or some bullshit"
This is not me making assumptions. She has actually done this in almost every area of my life besides my weight and has basically killed almost every passion i have in my life.
When i used to draw everyday she would yell at me and tell me i was wasting my time and one day she even threatened to beat me because i was making a poster in 8th grade when i had no homework and all A's and apparently should have been studying for my SAT in 3 years instead. I finished the poster anyway and put it up and she literally took a photo and shared it in her friend chat to brag and said I'm only good at art cause she used to like art and i got it from her. I kept drawing anyway even though that incident hurt me a lot but she kept saying my art was distracting me and anytime school wss difficult for me, she would blame my art instead of helping me. I eventually just stopped drawing and then lo and bbeholdafter i stopped drawing all of a sudden she was like i want to give u money so i can invest and you can start selling your art online. Basically wanting me to make cheap aliexpress merch for animes that are popular. And when i said no she said, "see i do supoort your art so stop saying i don't, you're the one who doesn't want to draw"
I have not much in life. No money, no looks, not many friends(but that's ok honestly) if I'm being foreal all i have is my pride left. So whenever she tries to "encourage" me to lose weight, i instantly lose all my motivation and stop all efforts to lose weight because i would rather be ugly and have nothing than ever give her the satisfaction of taking credit for my efforts again.
But i recently got a part time job and i finally told myself i want to make a difference in my life and stop caring about her and lose weight no matter what and it seems my Mum got the signal to take credit for everything, especially since my graduation was coming up and she is throwing a graduation party against my will. So she most likely wanted me to stop eating to lose weight for the party i didn't want to have and only exits to brag, because today she literally sent me a stupid fucking video about a guy who didn't eat for over a month to lose weight and i will literally quote her fucking words right now
"I hope this motivates you to do something drastic about this weight issue that we have been fighting with you guys about."
She literally wants me to fucking starve myself to lose weight and has been trying to force me to take ozempic for the past year. This is the same woman that refuses to spend 500 on a decent lawn mower so my dad doesn't break his back and refuses to call the repair guy to fix our garage but she and my dad apparently has enough to pay 1000 a month for ozempic. And they even forced me to go to a doctor and my dad was even going to go into the room and speak to the doctor for me and tell them i had no control over my self and have an insatiable appetite and i need medicine to supress my hunger.
I tolf them not to let my dad in and instead of the fuckass nurses being discrete they straight up told him i said he couldn't come so i had to lie and say i Don't know why they said that. And he brings it up once a month and complains about how he felt like they were treating him like a molester. And it's like yeah i feel bad u were treated that way but how tf do u think i feel. I'm 21 fucking years old and my dad is speaking for me at the doctor's office. Is it not humiliating for me?!?!! So it's ok for me to be humiliated but not you?!?! Am i not a human being ?!?
Anyway after she sent me that she then told me she wants us to go to Nigeria next year and so i should take that into consideration for my weight loss.
So she has essentially taken this entire month from me because of that starvation video and if i do lose any weight she'll say it's because the video she sent motivated me. And she has stolen 2026 from me as well because if i lose weight she'll say i did it for her because we're going to nigeria in december.
I know i sound suoer childish but i mean it when i say my pride is literally all i have.
But i had to type this out because i almost webt to binge eat my anger away.
I'm going to try my best to work hard and lose weight. Especially once i get money so i can start meal prepping again and start exercising.
I think her actions triggered me so much today cause i literally exercised for the first time in months yesterdays and i was so proud of myself and then just literally the next day she starts trying to "save" me from my weight. And i don't know I'm just really mad.
I need to move out. But no one is hiring me. And i know i can't wait till i move out to start losing weight because i have no idea when that will be. But it's so hard to let go of my pride and just ignore my mum and dad's opinion.
My therapist said i should ignore them because i know my truth and i know I'm losing weight for myself but it's so hard because their truth is considered the truth since my mum especially will tell everyone it was her and i can't refute it because i don't want to cause discourse in the family or embarass her in front of ppl.
Damn this is so long. If u read this far. Thanks for giving me your time.
