Venting i wish my lover would CTB with me

[soributton]

I wish i could just CTB already, but one of the only things stopping me right now is my fear of dying alone. No one that I know, not friends, my lover, my family, no one also has suicidal ideation. I remember about some years ago, my lover would constantly think about CTB'ing. He had a means to do so and everything. He's better now and refuses to form a pact with me when I asked a month or two ago. Of course I respect that; I just feel so alone. I know that it's almost destiny that I suffer a premature death. I feel it in my body that I wasn't supposed to live a long or fulfilling life. I know that this world has nothing to offer me joy besides my lover. Hes been the only thing keeping my going and weve been together for six years now. i know that i'm meant to die at my own hands. i know that my time is coming. I always have this overwhelming urge to just rush fate. I know that I have to CTB soon.

I know its completely immoral to convince someone to leave with me. So, I don't. But I just don't want to die cold and alone. He's all that matters to me. It would mean so much if he had anything to do with my death, especially if he died with me (how romantic). But maybe its my destiny. My punishment for a life of only messing things up for other people.

I only wish to feel his warm, comforting, arms around me in our final moments.

 

[Oreki]

I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I get it. It's really sad to think that so many people who take their own lives die alone, In hotel rooms, at home when no one's around, or elsewhere.

I never really had a supportive or emotionally safe family. I guess for me it's always been "born alone, die alone."

 

[no.surprises]

hey, i completely understand as i am in a similar situation. obviously you and i would never try to convince or force our partners to ctb with us, but it would be nice to go out together and not make them experience the grief of it. i hope both of you find peace in whatever happens <3

 

[Steph99]

It seems to be a thing in India, couples CTBing together often with the same rope. Noose at each end, middle of rope over a tree branch. A declaration of love even in death. Apparently this often happens because their parents refuse to sanction them getting married - that part is very grim.