cracklingroses
Member
- Sep 10, 2023
- 59
I wish I would just do it.
I think I have come to a method that seems reliable, but then of course, how can you truly know? It still isn't certain, and there is so much to still consider that I just won't let myself.
I have been in a very desperate point in my life for many years now, and the years keep passing by; for things to only continue to get worse. Everyone keeps aging. My life remains stagnant. I would do anything for the discipline and energy to do what it takes to change my life but the reality of years of psychiatric abuse, deep depression, mania, sleep deprivation, drug use, and psychosis won't warrant me what it takes. I feel so pathetic. I don't want those to be my excuses for why things won't change but they are my reality. Finding any mental health care has been a joke. I am still caregiving for my family while leeching off them and receiving SSI.
I can't even find a therapist who cares. I have been so isolated and messed up for years that I haven't had any social contact with anyone outside of my family and different therapists. My life at 23 is so fucking pathetic. All I do is cry out to the void because I don't know what else to do. I have accumulated a lot of art skill over the past years to where if only I was stable enough, I could make a real going out of it, somehow; but I can't, and time only passes me by.
My health getting worse, the health of those around me getting worse. The loneliness only getting heavier and heavier each year. I wish I had an easy out so bad. I can't be here. It would make my family's lives so much easier if I wasn't here. I hate that they have a mentally ill kid, but it also is a product of their abuse and neglect and when that's staring my family in the face everyday, they only grow to resent me more and more. They will never have grandkids (although honestly it's good they won't), and they hate me for it.
I just wish I could go so bad. I cry every night and my parents hear me and just yell at me to shut up. I try to muffle it into a pillow but it still gets out somehow. I don't know what the point of writing this is. I know I should just journal these thoughts but honestly it's nice having them out there away from my head and my lonely room. I haven't been in regular therapy in a long time and at this point I have given up on it. Anytime I try to seek help it is just a slap in the face. So I am done. I got through the holidays like I said I would and now there is nothing left. Thanks for letting me post this. I hope everyone takes care.
I think I have come to a method that seems reliable, but then of course, how can you truly know? It still isn't certain, and there is so much to still consider that I just won't let myself.
I have been in a very desperate point in my life for many years now, and the years keep passing by; for things to only continue to get worse. Everyone keeps aging. My life remains stagnant. I would do anything for the discipline and energy to do what it takes to change my life but the reality of years of psychiatric abuse, deep depression, mania, sleep deprivation, drug use, and psychosis won't warrant me what it takes. I feel so pathetic. I don't want those to be my excuses for why things won't change but they are my reality. Finding any mental health care has been a joke. I am still caregiving for my family while leeching off them and receiving SSI.
I can't even find a therapist who cares. I have been so isolated and messed up for years that I haven't had any social contact with anyone outside of my family and different therapists. My life at 23 is so fucking pathetic. All I do is cry out to the void because I don't know what else to do. I have accumulated a lot of art skill over the past years to where if only I was stable enough, I could make a real going out of it, somehow; but I can't, and time only passes me by.
My health getting worse, the health of those around me getting worse. The loneliness only getting heavier and heavier each year. I wish I had an easy out so bad. I can't be here. It would make my family's lives so much easier if I wasn't here. I hate that they have a mentally ill kid, but it also is a product of their abuse and neglect and when that's staring my family in the face everyday, they only grow to resent me more and more. They will never have grandkids (although honestly it's good they won't), and they hate me for it.
I just wish I could go so bad. I cry every night and my parents hear me and just yell at me to shut up. I try to muffle it into a pillow but it still gets out somehow. I don't know what the point of writing this is. I know I should just journal these thoughts but honestly it's nice having them out there away from my head and my lonely room. I haven't been in regular therapy in a long time and at this point I have given up on it. Anytime I try to seek help it is just a slap in the face. So I am done. I got through the holidays like I said I would and now there is nothing left. Thanks for letting me post this. I hope everyone takes care.
