Venting I wish I died when I was a baby.

[sadidiot0328]

When I was a kid, my mom was hesitant to speak negatively about my father. Now that I'm an adult, she told me everything that happened. She struggled for years because he took barely any part in raising me. She says it's not my fault but I can't help but wonder. What if I died when I was a baby? What if I just never existed? She could've gotten a divorce much earlier and had a life with someone better. But she's tied to him forever because I'm here.

I feel like I ruined my mother's life. Maybe things could've been different if I didn't come into the picture.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I don't think you ruined your mothers life. It's your dads fault for not being there for both of you.
She could have divorced him earlier and tried for child support.
It's not your fault you were brought into this world.
I have long wished I would have died at birth. Or not brought into this horrible world.

 

[drearysunrise]

I can relate somewhat. My father killed himself when I was very young, and I imagine that the strain in their relationship caused by me being born was a substantial part of what drove him to it. I often wonder if they both could have healed and been happy together if I never came into the picture. I wish I had been an abortion or a miscarriage. Then again, they were the ones that chose to have a child despite their circumstances. I didn't have a say in the matter.

It really isn't your fault. You can't be held responsible for the circumstances of your birth. Maybe things would have been better for your mother if you weren't born. Or maybe they wouldn't have, because of the value you yourself brought to her. Either way, your parents were always going to have a child, and your mother was always going to wait to get that divorce. It's always going to be hard to grapple with, and there's no real way of knowing what could have been, but it's an outcome that you had no ability to influence.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I feel like I ruined my mother's life. Maybe things could've been different if I didn't come into the picture.

You've not been asked whether you wanted to be produced and to come into existence or not. Your parents made that decision (or by "accident") long before you were even born. This is definitely not your fault. Your parents brought you into existence and they have to deal with the consequences. Unfortunately often children are also suffering when they do not have good parents and/or disrupted family life.

I'm sorry you have to go through this but again it's not your fault!