Venting i wish i could just ctb

[porcelain.ribbon]

i wish i could just go and i very much could. i have everything i need to do it and i could be gone by tonight but i probably wont be. its my fault for having a girlfriend so dependent on me I've given her a place to live, i make most her meals, pay for most of her things and "give her a reason to live" as she says. she says she loves me and she says it a lot like so much but it feels so fucking shallow and like she's not even real. it doesn't feel like she really loves me or cares about me but whenever i bring up my inevitable suicide she cries and begs me to keep living because "i keep her alive" but she doesn't keep me alive, when i ctb it'll be like nothing was even real in the first place so why should what she says matter? but for some reason it does matter but hopefully very soon I'll be able to power through her words and set myself free from everything and finally be at peace. the issues facing me other than that are that we share a room together but im sure it would be fine as SN is a quiet method all i have to do is take it and then slip back into bed and I'll hopefully be gone.

i do love my girlfriend i really do but im bad person and think things like my vent above so i really do have to ctb sometime soon.

 

[ctb_warrior]

It's a tricky position to be in when someone's dependent on you.
My father was in a tough situation and he had 3 ppl dependent on him.. He chose to continue for us.
On the contrary, my friend's father committed suicide because of a fault of his.. but that left the whole family vulnerable.. After he was gone, the family had to face a lot of trouble.
I think you'll have to decide if your love for her is more than your love for "peace" and her love gives you the real peace.... Or your love for "peace" is greater your love for her.
Though if i was in your position, may be, I'll see if she's freeloading on me that's why she loves me or she loves me and wants me to stay.
In either case, i would do efforts to make her independent. That's what i did to my ex. I made her so capable that she got capable of getting any IT job she wanted.