NotEnoughIncentive
☆⌒(>。<)
- Sep 8, 2020
- 16
I don't really know how to describe how I am right now. Since this suicidal period started again about three years ago, I always have my reasons to die and I always agree with them, though it changes its outer shape such as when I finally let go of my religious beliefs. If there were a suicide questionnaire I could fill every second, I would always answer yes.
I've been feeling too "stable" since mid October, unfortunately. The reasons and thinking are still there, but the feeling of deep depression and hopelessness aren't there, but feelings of life stuffs (like hope) aren't there either. I hope I don't really need it to be able to finally kill myself. The past week I've fulfilled all my food desires, so I should have no reservations left. I hope I can do it.
Since my last thread here in January, sure, the months were great, I had much fun doing my undergrad thesis. But the reasons persist. I STILL MUST DIE. I wish there's a suicide button I can press that would kill me immediately on the spot. I need to die. Heck, I tried again SN on August (bought a new bottle from another local seller), used benzocaine and discovered that it made SN taste like plain water except on the back of the tongue, but still couldn't drink a single glass fully. My fingers and lips were blue and for several times I almost fainted as I tried walking back to my room from the spot I was doing it. After that I threw away both my January and August SN bottles and even gave one of them to the uni counselor lmao. Afterwards I also showed them a packaged (non-killing) food that has SN as preservative in it haha why am I so weird
I bought a new bottle again and I just used it yesterday, yes again, applied benzocaine, still couldn't drink the whole thing. Surprisingly I vomited about an hour later, and again after another hour, the vomit was brown colored so huh, okay (I used domperidone as my antiemetic since it's what available to me). I think I really should give up trying to drink SN, and should try eating it, like wrapping it in bread and swallowing it whole, but only works for the first dose. OR I can force myself to just drink the thing. C'mon, it's already that easy, why can't you do it? But now I will be trying again because I have to die, I just wrapped my cup in a cute crocheted mug and it looks more palatable because it's cute. Just gonna charge my phone and play a game and then I'm gonna do it. I'm also going to hang myself as a second method, the noose has been made, so whichever kills me. I hope I will finally die. I realized that I'm no longer wondering/imagining/caring about what it's like to be dead when I'm in front of death like this, it'll just be like going to sleep, so, good.
No reason to be around any longer. I don't want to go through another round of unnecessary bleeding. I have no interest in my future, as I was not allowed my wanted major, and now I have the wrong disgusting degree behind my name, and I hate life so much I won't bother fighting for years again just for the "possibility" to get into my wanted field again. Four years in the wrong place has also killed my ability and passion for the thing I actually like, so now I'm extremely stupid and slow to understand things. God, I'm embarrassed that I could no longer do simple mental arithmetics when I received my change some days ago. The seller guy's brain was better than mine. The negatives in life are certain, while the positives are merely possible. My parents surely want me to die, because they didn't bother to notice my suffering since I was in middle school, because they didn't allow the wanted major, because they shot down harshly another wanted major, because they guilted me into confirming that I love them when I finally told them I was suicidal, and because they never bothered to ask how I am doing since I told them that, and they will deny all of my childhood memories especially if it puts them in a bad light, so I won't bother with them again. Even if all my wishes were fulfilled, I would still prefer to die because life is so damn useless. It is the very thing that makes pain and suffering possible. The state of the world seems to be running worse. The state of my country seems to be running worse. The state of the environment seems to be worsening. Why would I want to be in that stupid future world? No one actually wants me here. All they do is tolerate my existence and take advantage of me every single time they meet me.
My life is already doomed to be even worse because I don't have these basic life skills, and I won't bother with acquiring them because why should I work hard to prolong something I don't want? This also applies to literally working a job. Why should I do it, something I don't want, only to prolong life, something I also don't want, only to set myself to work even longer? This also applies to therapy and meds and such, why should I even bother when I don't even want life in the first place? I was in contact with the uni counselor only because the service was freely available and I loved my thesis so much. I got someone listening to my stories and that's all that matters at that time. Now it's all gone and welcome to the real world where people torture themselves everyday to get money to live longer and torture themselves even longer. Nah. I won't even step into that world. I will kill myself and I will succeed doing it. People say adolescence is the best time of one's life, so (1) if it's the best, then the only way next is to go down (2) and since my own life so far is awful, that means it will be even worse in the future.
Oh wow I must've written so much because I picked the venting tag. But now I'm done writing. Just allow me to die, please.
I've been feeling too "stable" since mid October, unfortunately. The reasons and thinking are still there, but the feeling of deep depression and hopelessness aren't there, but feelings of life stuffs (like hope) aren't there either. I hope I don't really need it to be able to finally kill myself. The past week I've fulfilled all my food desires, so I should have no reservations left. I hope I can do it.
Since my last thread here in January, sure, the months were great, I had much fun doing my undergrad thesis. But the reasons persist. I STILL MUST DIE. I wish there's a suicide button I can press that would kill me immediately on the spot. I need to die. Heck, I tried again SN on August (bought a new bottle from another local seller), used benzocaine and discovered that it made SN taste like plain water except on the back of the tongue, but still couldn't drink a single glass fully. My fingers and lips were blue and for several times I almost fainted as I tried walking back to my room from the spot I was doing it. After that I threw away both my January and August SN bottles and even gave one of them to the uni counselor lmao. Afterwards I also showed them a packaged (non-killing) food that has SN as preservative in it haha why am I so weird
I bought a new bottle again and I just used it yesterday, yes again, applied benzocaine, still couldn't drink the whole thing. Surprisingly I vomited about an hour later, and again after another hour, the vomit was brown colored so huh, okay (I used domperidone as my antiemetic since it's what available to me). I think I really should give up trying to drink SN, and should try eating it, like wrapping it in bread and swallowing it whole, but only works for the first dose. OR I can force myself to just drink the thing. C'mon, it's already that easy, why can't you do it? But now I will be trying again because I have to die, I just wrapped my cup in a cute crocheted mug and it looks more palatable because it's cute. Just gonna charge my phone and play a game and then I'm gonna do it. I'm also going to hang myself as a second method, the noose has been made, so whichever kills me. I hope I will finally die. I realized that I'm no longer wondering/imagining/caring about what it's like to be dead when I'm in front of death like this, it'll just be like going to sleep, so, good.
No reason to be around any longer. I don't want to go through another round of unnecessary bleeding. I have no interest in my future, as I was not allowed my wanted major, and now I have the wrong disgusting degree behind my name, and I hate life so much I won't bother fighting for years again just for the "possibility" to get into my wanted field again. Four years in the wrong place has also killed my ability and passion for the thing I actually like, so now I'm extremely stupid and slow to understand things. God, I'm embarrassed that I could no longer do simple mental arithmetics when I received my change some days ago. The seller guy's brain was better than mine. The negatives in life are certain, while the positives are merely possible. My parents surely want me to die, because they didn't bother to notice my suffering since I was in middle school, because they didn't allow the wanted major, because they shot down harshly another wanted major, because they guilted me into confirming that I love them when I finally told them I was suicidal, and because they never bothered to ask how I am doing since I told them that, and they will deny all of my childhood memories especially if it puts them in a bad light, so I won't bother with them again. Even if all my wishes were fulfilled, I would still prefer to die because life is so damn useless. It is the very thing that makes pain and suffering possible. The state of the world seems to be running worse. The state of my country seems to be running worse. The state of the environment seems to be worsening. Why would I want to be in that stupid future world? No one actually wants me here. All they do is tolerate my existence and take advantage of me every single time they meet me.
My life is already doomed to be even worse because I don't have these basic life skills, and I won't bother with acquiring them because why should I work hard to prolong something I don't want? This also applies to literally working a job. Why should I do it, something I don't want, only to prolong life, something I also don't want, only to set myself to work even longer? This also applies to therapy and meds and such, why should I even bother when I don't even want life in the first place? I was in contact with the uni counselor only because the service was freely available and I loved my thesis so much. I got someone listening to my stories and that's all that matters at that time. Now it's all gone and welcome to the real world where people torture themselves everyday to get money to live longer and torture themselves even longer. Nah. I won't even step into that world. I will kill myself and I will succeed doing it. People say adolescence is the best time of one's life, so (1) if it's the best, then the only way next is to go down (2) and since my own life so far is awful, that means it will be even worse in the future.
Oh wow I must've written so much because I picked the venting tag. But now I'm done writing. Just allow me to die, please.
