Venting i will never be seen

[encore]

not even by people closest to me. being abused as a child left what feels like an endless hole inside of my heart. i strive so hard to make people finally see and understand where i'm coming from, and yet they don't. they never fully relate. they never truly feel how i feel. i try hurting them as a childish attempt at getting what i want, a temper tantrum i throw, almost as if i'm saying "i tried talking to you, i tried showing where it hurts, and now i will bring you pain so that you can finally understand". they still don't get it, so what now?

being fucked over for life as a kid, you come into adulthood and there is no "reparations" for your suffering. you are held to the same standard as everyone else is, and nobody could care less about how your past looked like. you either fit in and become a functioning member of society, or you don't. nobody cares about your sob story, nobody gives a shit about how your brain couldn't develop properly due to constant abuse from caregivers, they will look at you like you are a monster, a fiend, all because you're trying to make at least one person see you. it really only takes one.

and then you end up losing them, too, so the shaky foundation gets even more shaky. what do they expect from you now? they expect you to get over it. find a new toy if this one was clearly faulty. you can't, because not only does no one else understand you like they did, but you become so attached it feels like your entire existence now belongs to them, and nobody else. like a dog, you keep chasing this person that has finally shown you what "love" and "warmth" are, because no one else did, because you are oh so scared of losing this feeling again. it doesn't matter. they will never be back. this feeling will never be back. no matter how many times you lay yourself bare in front of them. it didn't work on your parents, so why would it work on a stranger?

i want to be looked at, for the first time in my life, not as a case study on how child abuse manifests in people, not as a "work in progress" project that is incomplete and needs "fixing", but as a human being. i want to feel loved. i want to have things other people have. i want to wake up in my own brain and body and not constantly be tormented by a thousand different feelings at once or my past. i want to experience joy or at the very least normalcy.

but this world isn't fair, never was and never will be. it doesn't matter how much i cry. it doesn't matter how much i plead and beg. i will never be seen - because in order to feel seen, i need someone to turn back time and heal every little part of me that felt hurt, abused and overlooked - and i'm just too tired to do that on my own. i'm giving up. i am not worth saving. i am a project that will never be complete, a case study on how child abuse can lead to suicide. this is what i am, and will always be remembered by.

 

[Dejected 55]

You hit the heart of something I have been saying a lot recently, including to someone I have been trying against all good sense and hope to have in my life.

I want to be seen and heard as I am. To be seen and heard, even if not completely understood, is like gold... it's precious and rare and people value it but most are drawn to imitation and are either scared or unable to try the real thing.

 

[BPDtgirl]

god i feel this so much. you're not alone.

it's entirely cyclical too, this can apply to so many people. sometimes you wonder how to break the fucking cycle and there isn't an answer

 

[Require_love]

Wow.... You really touched every point I've thought about yelling out into the void but never did. Trust me, you ARE seen. Atleast here, by some.
I relate hard. I wish I could just stop giving a flying fk about people someday loving me for myself and not seeing me as a "tool", "acquaintance", "just some guy". I wish to be held. I swear, a hug would make me bawl now.

I'm scared to connect now. I still do it regardless, for that irrational thing called "hope". I wish I run out of that silly thing, so that I'll never ever be hurt again.

I hope you have a nice day.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I went through this I think. I think I just felt so desperate to be understood and healed that I would latch on to any kindness people showed me. For me, it was especially true of mother figures, seeing as mine died when I was 3.

I think I realised this was too much to expect of a distant or even, close friend. I'm pretty sure I got a few replies that implied a kind of: 'Yikes- I can't be this person for you.' It was while chatting to a colleague at work after I realised that I couldn't entirely rely on even my best friend that it sunk in. I said that I had realised it was unfair and kind of foolish to put so much hope on them. She replied that you can't count on others and they shouldn't count on you. That felt so sad and cynical at the time but, I think she was probably right. It caused a kind of shift in me- towards independence.

I suppose I still sort of held out hope that a partner ought to be committed enough to want to know you that well but, that didn't happen either. I still think it's risky too. Not all partnerships work out.

It's sadly true though. I think the big wide world is mostly about money. A company wants to employ people who perform well regularly and make them money. I don't think they're too bothered about why a person can't perform if they fail. Plus, it's so competetive. There'll always be another person- even one with a more troblesome background that will pick up the slack. In that case- they'll be only too willing to question why that person still managed but, we can't.