Story I went on a date

[Sarros]

I went on a date last night, first time in a long time. We met on Tinder. We went to a bar she frequents. I don't really go to bars so I just sat there, nursing a drink and staring into space til she got there.
There's a lot of awkward lulls and pauses in the conversation. We leave the bar and walk around for a bit til we go to another one. We drink some more and the conversation picks up and I'm matching their energy.

Towards the end of the night, she asks me about how many relationships I've been in and how long they were. I tell her the truth; I've only been in one, long term relationship. She said it's a red fflag. I kinda knew it was coming but still a little frustrating. I don't think being in multiple relationships is necessarily a good indicator for success in future relationships, the opposite I would think, is true. I gotta hit this magic number of partners before I'm dateable I guess.

Eventually, we hug, say good night, and part ways. She said it'd be fun to hang out again, I had fun too. So at the prospect of this going anywhere, I guess my plans to CTB are put on hold for now.

 

[daley]

Congrats on the date, and on your 100th post!

 

[Hero Remeer]

May the relationship flow and whatever happens, happen
At least you entertained and learned something, everything helps
Greetings, be well

 

[mango-meridian]

I get super frustrated by "red flag culture" or whatever you want to call it. Yeah, there are things you can notice in a person that would indicate they're not a good person to date. Obviously.

But in a lot of ways it feels like dating has become (at least in my experience) a game of trying to dodge having any of the red flags.

E.g... Do you have a job? Do you have a car? Do you have any severe mental health issues? Do you have relationship experience? Do you have a good relationship with your mom? Do you exercise? Do you have at least a few active hobbies? Do you cook for yourself? The list goes on and on.

And people think that once they find someone that checks all these boxes, that that person is good & safe to date, but it's not true.

And for any one of these "red flags" (at least the ones I listed), there are any number of legitimate reasons why someone might have them that wouldn't indicate they're a bad partner. I struggle with a number of these because my executive function is terrible. I just don't have an "engine" to do a lot of things in a given day.

One day, I hope my mental health improves and then I will be able to take dating more seriously again. At that point, I'm sure people will be wary of me for a lot of the same reasons as they have been wary of you. Sigh.

 

[-Link-]

@Sarros thank you for sharing this!

You make me feel proud for you.

Reading this thread brings to mind a few thoughts about the importance of presentation and tone in those initial conversations.

A lot of so-called red flags don't necessarily have to be dealbreakers if you can navigate those topics in a way that you give off a "so what?" attitude about it. This, as if to own it (own your "baggage"), or else by putting a positive spin on it.

For example, mental health issues... possibly a big red flag, indeed. But if you can say you're actively engaged in treatments and hopeful of progress, that could soften the impact of the situation.

Or if you've "only" been in one long-term relationship, you could talk about how you were focusing on other things (schooling, work, family, health, taking care of yourself, etc.) and how you've been working at improving yourself (with specific examples) and how you've been ready to reenter the dating scene.

This is the difference between a sheepish reaction as if being caught off guard by an uncomfortable subject or as if there's something to hide or be ashamed of... vs... putting a positive spin on it and holding your head high as you do so (while also adhering to the truth). It also goes towards maintaining a comfortable tone or air to the conversation. (Uncomfortableness is contagious.)

In the end, if it's a dealbreaker for the other person, there's nothing to be done about it. But in many of these situations, the more influential factors will tend to be how you react and how you say things rather than just strictly being about what you're saying.

 

[N7_Alliance_Marine]

She said it's a red fflag

Fucking brutal. How old are you? I'm 21 and I've had girls say "muh, redflag cuz you're a virgin."

 

[steppenwolf]

I went on a date last night, first time in a long time. We met on Tinder. We went to a bar she frequents. I don't really go to bars so I just sat there, nursing a drink and staring into space til she got there.
There's a lot of awkward lulls and pauses in the conversation. We leave the bar and walk around for a bit til we go to another one. We drink some more and the conversation picks up and I'm matching their energy.

Towards the end of the night, she asks me about how many relationships I've been in and how long they were. I tell her the truth; I've only been in one, long term relationship. She said it's a red fflag. I kinda knew it was coming but still a little frustrating. I don't think being in multiple relationships is necessarily a good indicator for success in future relationships, the opposite I would think, is true. I gotta hit this magic number of partners before I'm dateable I guess.

Eventually, we hug, say good night, and part ways. She said it'd be fun to hang out again, I had fun too. So at the prospect of this going anywhere, I guess my plans to CTB are put on hold for now.

Her interrogating you about your past and saying that only being in one long term relationship is a red flag... is a massive red flag. Where this is going is this fascist bitch will try to push you over the edge. You know I'm right. If I were you, I'd raise her expectations for another assignation, then stand her up and blank her completely thereafter. I know what I'm talking about friend; I'm 50 and have never been 'on a date' or 'in a relationship' and hope to live to 102.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I think her "red flag" is completely messed up. On the other hand, I don't think most women understand just how difficult it can be for the average guy to find a partner. They have their own experience of dating and naturally assume it's pretty much the same for everyone else. So her comment might just be based on complete ignorance and not necessarily her being an asshole.

I've never managed to go on a date my entire life and probably never will, so I hate to think what she's think of me.

 

[CatLvr]

Her interrogating you about your past and saying that only being in one long term relationship is a red flag... is a massive red flag. Where this is going is this fascist bitch will try to push you over the edge. You know I'm right. If I were you, I'd raise her expectations for another assignation, then stand her up and blank her completely thereafter. I know what I'm talking about friend; I'm 50 and have never been 'on a date' or 'in a relationship' and hope to live to 102.

I'm basically 70 (birthday's coming and I've definitely earned the right to claim 70 even if technically I'm like 69.9), female and married, and I agree with everything you've said except for the setting up a second date. Nope. Nada. Waste of time.

To the OP: Block that bitch on every social media site you are on and move on with your life. Karma will get her ass for you. And you won't have wasted another second of your life dealing with her.

 

[BoulderSoWhat]

If anybody knows the scientific formula for what number of relationships changes the red flag to a green flag, let us know and show your work on scrap paper?

I think the red flag green flag stuff is total bs, you had fun, they had fun, and you'd want to see each other again, isn't that what matters most? Every single person is a unique individual, meaning any two people interacting is going to be completely unique and irreplicable. People can't be reduced or dismissed so quickly on something as superficial as "number of relationships."

Blah

 

[steppenwolf]

I'm basically 70 (birthday's coming and I've definitely earned the right to claim 70 even if technically I'm like 69.9), female and married, and I agree with everything you've said except for the setting up a second date. Nope. Nada. Waste of time.

Yep you're right. The second date set up was just youthful sentimentality on my part, and I should be old enough by now to know that life's too short to waste time on such pointless gestures. Scratch that. btw happy birthday—

 

[mango-meridian]

If anybody knows the scientific formula for what number of relationships changes the red flag to a green flag, let us know and show your work on scrap paper?

And also the number where it switches from green flag back to red flag

 

[CatLvr]

Yep you're right. The second date set up was just youthful sentimentality on my part, and I should be old enough by now to know that life's too short to waste time on such pointless gestures. Scratch that. btw happy birthday—

Thank you!!

 

[vitbar]

IMO it can be a reasonable cause for concern, but not enough on its own to call it off. I've known enough people where there is a good reason they've not had any/many serious relationships that it gets me wondering if someone I'm dating tells me the same.

The other thing is that a lack of experience can indicate just that. It took me a few failed relationships to get an idea what I'm looking for in a partner, and to learn to be a partner.

 

[steppenwolf]

If anybody knows the scientific formula for what number of relationships changes the red flag to a green flag, let us know and show your work on scrap paper?

And also the number where it switches from green flag back to red flag

Science proves that if the number of relationships is n, and n>0 then the flag colour is determined by the integer part of log (n)+1.125. If it's odd then the flag is red, even is a green flag. If n=0 the flag is green anyway, obviously. So for different specific values of n:

n=0 relationships green flag
n=1-7.5 relationships red flag
n=7.5-75 relationships green flag
n=75-750 relationships red flag
n=750-7500 relationships green flag
&c.

And that's the power of maths.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

Is zero relationships and being an older virgin a white flag? Like as in I've been utterly defeated?

 

[Sarros]

Fucking brutal. How old are you? I'm 21 and I've had girls say "muh, redflag cuz you're a virgin."

I'm 27. I'm not a virgin but...I have nothing to be proud of in that regard.

I can see being a virgin making it much harder to be in a relationship the older you are. I suppose people are wary in the sense of, oh, no one else wants or wanted him, I shouldn't/don't either. Or, why is that the case, there must be something wrong with them.

While I on the other hand think, you're X years old and you've had how many relationships? Why didn't those work out? You are the common demoninator in all of these. Or if they did 'work out', not sure how I feel about being the one to be settled down with after they've had all their fun.

But I won't let it get to me. I'll take her for as she is now. Things are going well and we're planning a second date.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Your thread actually made me cry. I'm sorry you had to go through with that. I'm a 30 year old who's never even been on a single date so being reminded that I basically am a giant red flag hurts so much.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

Any updates OP?

 

[Leiot]

Dating is a skill that you have to practice. And you'll suck at it in the beginning. You have to keep working at it. But it's not like going to the gym - you're muscles don't say insulting crap to you while you're working out. Dates do.

 

[Ashu]

Towards the end of the night, she asks me about how many relationships I've been in and how long they were. I tell her the truth; I've only been in one, long term relationship. She said it's a red fflag. I kinda knew it was coming but still a little frustrating. I don't think being in multiple relationships is necessarily a good indicator for success in future relationships, the opposite I would think, is true. I gotta hit this magic number of partners before I'm dateable I guess.

It's a red flag for people who aren't looking for a serious long-term relationship.

E.g... Do you have a job? Do you have a car? Do you have any severe mental health issues? Do you have relationship experience? Do you have a good relationship with your mom? Do you exercise? Do you have at least a few active hobbies? Do you cook for yourself? The list goes on and on.

In my twenties, I was a nut, a psychiatrized person, and I had relationships with other psychiatrized people. I can't imagine that I would have even wanted to have a relationship with a normtard.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

Dating is a skill that you have to practice. And you'll suck at it in the beginning. You have to keep working at it. But it's not like going to the gym - you're muscles don't say insulting crap to you while you're working out. Dates do.

It's kind of difficult to practice dating when you're alone and unwanted.

A bit like needing job experience to get a job.

I'm still not sure whether or not relationships even exist TBH.

 

[Sarros]

Any updates OP?

We went on a second date. She stood me up at first because she said she overslept. We arranged to meet the next day and had lunch. She felt really bad about missing it the first time around.

We haven't planned to meet again but I text them regularly, every day. They tell me they're really busy with work and family so it's going to be awhile until we can go out again it seems. I think, if they really weren't interested, they would tell me so or ghost me so I believe them.

I'm not great at texting, or at least, it feels like I'm doing all the work. I try to share more detail about my day or ask some interesting questions. Their responses aren't the worse but again, not a whole lot of substance. Maybe I'm asking for too much.

 

[Sarros]

Update:
We went on a third date. Just walked around, chatted for a bit on the casino floor and went to the arcade until it was time for the movie. It was a good time, we shared some laughs. I thought it was going really well. Then I dropped her home and went on my way.

I texted her this morning (date was 2 days ago) and she's blocked me on Discord and unmatched on Tinder...

I don't even know what I did wrong. I thought we were getting along really well. She didn't complain about anything I said or did and she didn't talk about having any problems with us. I just feel so dumbstruck.

 

[daley]

Thanks for the update!
Sorry to hear it didn't work out. But its still nice that you had a good time.

Not having any dating experience myself, I am wondering.
Maybe she expected you to make a move by a third date. I dunno know.

Anyway, I hope you have more dates and have more stories to tell us!

 

[-Link-]

@Sarros there are any number of a thousand reasons why she could have pulled away, and a lot of those possible reasons are everything to do with what's going on in her own head and her own life rather than anything to do with you, specifically.

So, all you can do is look at the experience you had on those three dates and think about what you might have learned from it and what you could do differently, if anything, going forward. But I would only do that from your own point of view and avoid speculating about her perspective.

Two thoughts come to mind here. First I'd look at whether you were doing anything on these dates that you wouldn't have done with a friend (platonically). Think along the lines of flirting energy or physical contact (or opportunities for physical contact that might have been missed).

Also, in the early stages, I'd only really use texting for purposes of setting up dates. If texting a girl about any other subject, I'd try to either match or stay below her own "texting energy," and I'd avoid exceeding her energy in text messages. Think along the lines of how often, who's initiating, how much are they actually saying, questions being asked, etc., and try to stay in line with their level of energy or effort in texting. But mainly, I'd save the substance for the actual dates as that's when and where the real magic happens.

Anyway, I hope you have more dates and have more stories to tell us!

Yes! The main thing to do here is brush yourself off, say "oh well," and keep at it.

 

[mango-meridian]

Update:
We went on a third date. Just walked around, chatted for a bit on the casino floor and went to the arcade until it was time for the movie. It was a good time, we shared some laughs. I thought it was going really well. Then I dropped her home and went on my way.

I texted her this morning (date was 2 days ago) and she's blocked me on Discord and unmatched on Tinder...

I don't even know what I did wrong. I thought we were getting along really well. She didn't complain about anything I said or did and she didn't talk about having any problems with us. I just feel so dumbstruck.

Sorry to hear about this! Hope you still got something out of it.

I know I've had a lot of times where I wanted to know why things didn't work out. Sadly we rarely get that information.

 

[cryone]

i don't really like dating culture right now. it's annoying how the tiniest "red flags" can completely ruin a potential relationship and how people abuse the ability to block/ghost instead of communicating first. i think that's likely what happened given what I've seen.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

This sounds awful. Three dates and yet won't even say goodbye or even say why she's rejecting you.

The plus side is that you've dodged a bullet. No decent person behaves like that, I don't even block people I dislike on social media.

 

[Sarros]

@Sarros there are any number of a thousand reasons why she could have pulled away, and a lot of those possible reasons are everything to do with what's going on in her own head and her own life rather than anything to do with you, specifically.

So, all you can do is look at the experience you had on those three dates and think about what you might have learned from it and what you could do differently, if anything, going forward. But I would only do that from your own point of view and avoid speculating about her perspective.

Two thoughts come to mind here. First I'd look at whether you were doing anything on these dates that you wouldn't have done with a friend (platonically). Think along the lines of flirting energy or physical contact (or opportunities for physical contact that might have been missed).

Also, in the early stages, I'd only really use texting for purposes of setting up dates. If texting a girl about any other subject, I'd try to either match or stay below her own "texting energy," and I'd avoid exceeding her energy in text messages. Think along the lines of how often, who's initiating, how much are they actually saying, questions being asked, etc., and try to stay in line with their level of energy or effort in texting. But mainly, I'd save the substance for the actual dates as that's when and where the real magic happens.

Thank you for the advice. I will admit, every time I've ever dated or was interested in someone I would text them every day and sometimes multiple times a day and I would almost always be the one initiating it. I did initiate some physical contact on that date but it wasn't reciprocated.

But thinking about all this stuff is exhausting and frustrating. I guess I can't just be myself if I want to date. I wonder if I'll ever find anyone that actually wants to be with me. I feel like all this thought and effort is becoming someone they want to be with instead.