Help I wasn't able to pull the trigger

[broknef709]

I was able to acquire my dads shotgun which he had locked up but I couldn't pull the trigger. The thought of blowing my brains is fucking scary. But I don't want to live at all. Everyday is so fucking miserable. I just can't feel anything. I've been like this for years now. I have severe anxiety, ocd and ADHD. I feel empty all the time. I tried making friends but I don't feel anything, no emotions when I'm talking with someone. I can't connect with people. I don't enjoy doing anything. Even small things such as watching movies and playing games give me nothing. I have to put in so much effort just to do basic tasks. And it's just gonna get worse from here on. I just wanna die but I'm so fucking afraid of blowing my brains out. My OCD brain makes me believe I'll end up with half brain open, alive in excruciating pain. I just cant push through this. A fucking buckshot to head should hypothetically instantly result in death but I just can't do it. I know so many people wish if only they had a shotgun they'd have ended it all yet here I am so afraid. I'm consciously stopping myself from pulling the trigger. I put the loaded gun in my mouth and had my finger on trigger all I needed was a fucking small pull of the trigger. But I just didnt .... I can't put it back to where I got it from without my dad noticing. If he finds out about it (maybe in a few days) and I haven't ended my life by then everything will end up much worse. He will make my life many times worse. Plus if I lose access to the gun it'll just make me more desperate over time and I may end up fucking jumping off a building which has a much higher chance of ending up a vegetable. Idk wtf to do the only thing I know is I don't wanna live. I planned on shooting through the mouth the barrel aimed at the uvula. But I keep getting thoughts that I'll be conscious after the shot and in extreme pain. I'm so tired of this.

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

The sheer intensity of instant death is still very overwhelming. Most people who die via gun seem to do it on an intense urge.

Why can't you return the shotgun without your father noticing? What will he do?

You say it has been this way but have you ever gotten any kind of mental health help before or simply told someone?

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I was able to acquire my dads shotgun which he had locked up but I couldn't pull the trigger. The thought of blowing my brains is fucking scary. But I don't want to live at all. Everyday is so fucking miserable. I just can't feel anything. I've been like this for years now. I have severe anxiety, ocd and ADHD. I feel empty all the time. I tried making friends but I don't feel anything, no emotions when I'm talking with someone. I can't connect with people. I don't enjoy doing anything. Even small things such as watching movies and playing games give me nothing. I have to put in so much effort just to do basic tasks. And it's just gonna get worse from here on. I just wanna die but I'm so fucking afraid of blowing my brains out. My OCD brain makes me believe I'll end up with half brain open, alive in excruciating pain. I just cant push through this. A fucking buckshot to head should hypothetically instantly result in death but I just can't do it. I know so many people wish if only they had a shotgun they'd have ended it all yet here I am so afraid. I'm consciously stopping myself from pulling the trigger. I put the loaded gun in my mouth and had my finger on trigger all I needed was a fucking small pull of the trigger. But I just didnt .... I can't put it back to where I got it from without my dad noticing. If he finds out about it (maybe in a few days) and I haven't ended my life by then everything will end up much worse. He will make my life many times worse. Plus if I lose access to the gun it'll just make me more desperate over time and I may end up fucking jumping off a building which has a much higher chance of ending up a vegetable. Idk wtf to do the only thing I know is I don't wanna live. I planned on shooting through the mouth the barrel aimed at the uvula. But I keep getting thoughts that I'll be conscious after the shot and in extreme pain. I'm so tired of this.

i have a shotgun, rifle . but i fear failing also and remaining alive. i wish i could pay someone to shoot me in the head. if i try to do it then i will only get one shot . but someone else could take many shots until i'm dead. lets say there's a 99% chance i die when i do it . yes then there could be 1% of remaining alive with damage . but some else shooting can shoot me 10 times a hundred times so it's guaranteed .that's why they made it a crime to hire someone to assist me in suicide.

i'm not scared of Death . i'm scared or pain or remaining alive with brain damage

 

[whywere]

First and foremost, like a huge duh! ctb is one and done, never ever a do over. I am NOT pro-life nor pro ctb, I just want the very best for each and every soul always.

For me, the idea of using a firearm is way too much, as if the what if happens and one is a vegetable for the next x decades, not a very good idea, at least in my book.

My question, and NEVER EVER being nosey, can you get your own place? I had "parents" way back when who should have NEVER EVER been "parents". They kicked me out at the age of 18, and looking back, it was one of the very best for me, LONG term, short term it is rough, but overall, really good.

To/for me, using a firearm is in the same category as trying the route of overdosing. Way too many negatives for my taste. I would NOT want to stare out of a picture window, drooling and not even know that I am alive, nope never, NO vegetable state for me, nope.

My heart broke when i read your post and I 1005 wish that you can find your own place and spread your wings without any interference from anyone.

Hugs, caring thoughts and I wish you all the best, as we are ALL family here.

Walter

 

[Willow]

I can really relate to this. For me it has been with a revolver rather than a shotgun though. Pulling the trigger was impossible for me, despite being in a lot of pain. I wish I had something more helpful to say, but just can acknowledge that this is really difficult

 

[whywere]

I can really relate to this. For me it has been with a revolver rather than a shotgun though. Pulling the trigger was impossible for me, despite being in a lot of pain. I wish I had something more helpful to say, but just can acknowledge that this is really difficult

You are stronger than you can realize.

I too have 24/7 chronic pain and know the hell of it, BUT knowing looking down the barrel of a firearm, it takes much MORE strength to put it down than pull a trigger always.

I grew up with a high-powered rifle or side arm always, as we lived in the middle of nowhere with all types of wild animals that were NOT friendly towards humans ever. Seeing what a firearm can do is terrifying, at least to me and I could never ever put a gun towards me and off myself that way, never, nope.

You, and @broknef709 are both VERY strong folks with lots of humanity in your hearts.

To the both of you, lots of hugs and the knowledge that being strong shows up in many ways.

Walter

 

[Willow]

Thank you so so much Walter. That really means a lot to me.
I rarely see myself as strong but see how much more I should be capable of

 

[purpp37]

I miss having my gun license before I was placed on a firearm prohibition order. It would've been so much easier, instantaneous and painless. I yearn for the shotgun I almost had that would've taken everything away in an instant.

 

[traingirl]

I miss having my gun license before I was placed on a firearm prohibition order. It would've been so much easier, instantaneous and painless. I yearn for the shotgun I almost had that would've taken everything away in an instant.

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