I was raped and I can't live with it

[failingthroughlife]

This is a hard one to write and I cant imagine it's going to be nice to read- I'm truly sorry. I just need to get this out, just over two weeks ago I was raped, in the most violent and degrading way. I had gone on a night out and met someone, he told me that we would have an after party and other people would be there- that wasn't the case. I wont go into details because it's too painful but I was raped in more ways than one.
This isnt the first time.
The last time this happened it almost destroyed me, I reported it and went through months of hell only for the case to be dropped. Thats why this time I've kept it to myself but the guilt of doing that is killing me. I have PTSD from the first time and It has ruined almost every relationship in my life and I know within myself that I can't go through this again. I almost feel like I'm letting this 'man' win but I know within myself that I cannot relive this pain everyday.
I feel so alone going through this.
I just wish I had someone

 

[ExistHarm]

please do not apologize, this is a safe space to share your emotions...although the words are hollow, i am sorry you have to experience this pain..i hope you can find peace eventually..

 

[Scacie]

I'm so sorry, I don't know how to support you but you are not letting him win if you go through with it. You are doing this for yourself and I guess if you want to, you can probably choose ways to make his life miserable once you leave

 

[Mimi_]

I am really sorry this happened to you, I wish you to go through it. If you feel the need to speak to someone/ have someone listening to you, I would be happy to discuss with you. If you need to chat with someone who has been through the same atrocity then I'm pretty sure there are forums and discussion group dedicated to rape victims.
May you heal, you are strong you can do it

 

[umbra_]

I am terribly sorry this happened to you. I also have had several experiences with rape and I want to reiterate that it's not your fault and you didn't deserve for this to happen. I believe you can heal and there is help out there, but I also understand and support your decision if that isn't right for you.

I hope you can find some peace, whether on this planet or not.

 

[FuneralCry]

It’s very disgusting how humans create so much suffering and inflict so much harm. This just proves that this world certainly is hell.

 

[failingthroughlife]

please do not apologize, this is a safe space to share your emotions...although the words are hollow, i am sorry you have to experience this pain..i hope you can find peace eventually..

Thank you- honestly it means the world to hear that

I am really sorry this happened to you, I wish you to go through it. If you feel the need to speak to someone/ have someone listening to you, I would be happy to discuss with you. If you need to chat with someone who has been through the same atrocity then I'm pretty sure there are forums and discussion group dedicated to rape victims.
May you heal, you are strong you can do it

This really means a lot to hear- thank you so much

I am terribly sorry this happened to you. I also have had several experiences with rape and I want to reiterate that it's not your fault and you didn't deserve for this to happen. I believe you can heal and there is help out there, but I also understand and support your decision if that isn't right for you.

I hope you can find some peace, whether on this planet or not.

Thank you- you're the first person to make me think it wasnt something I did and I can't tell you how much that means, a lot of my 'friends' have made me feel as though I did something wrong

It’s very disgusting how humans create so much suffering and inflict so much harm. This just proves that this world certainly is hell.

I couldn't agree more, I honestly wish I knew how and why someone could think doing that is okay!

 

[Truth1234]

Its so unfair that these bastards should leave this world instead of you. This is why there is such an imbalance.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Thank you- you're the first person to make me think it wasnt something I did and I can't tell you how much that means, a lot of my 'friends' have made me feel as though I did something wrong

He didn't have to do what he did. He had the choice. No one held a gun to his head and he wasn't possessed by an evil demon. Yes, what happened to you only happened because he was cruel and selfish and lacked self-control. Those are his personal failings as a human that you're not responsible for.

 

[GoodDog]

This is a hard one to write and I cant imagine it's going to be nice to read- I'm truly sorry. I just need to get this out, just over two weeks ago I was raped, in the most violent and degrading way. I had gone on a night out and met someone, he told me that we would have an after party and other people would be there- that wasn't the case. I wont go into details because it's too painful but I was raped in more ways than one.
This isnt the first time.
The last time this happened it almost destroyed me, I reported it and went through months of hell only for the case to be dropped. Thats why this time I've kept it to myself but the guilt of doing that is killing me. I have PTSD from the first time and It has ruined almost every relationship in my life and I know within myself that I can't go through this again. I almost feel like I'm letting this 'man' win but I know within myself that I cannot relive this pain everyday.
I feel so alone going through this.
I just wish I had someone

That must have been a horrendous experience and I'm so sorry you had to go through so much misery. Don't blame yourself, this wasn't your fault.

You have to be strong now more than ever. The pain may come back several times, but it's important that you discuss this feelings you're having with someone you trust (or with a therapist) so you can put things into perspective. Recovery is possible, and right now it's important to control your pain, rather than letting the pain control you. Keeping it to yourself is only gonna make it harder in the long run.

You don't have to suffer alone.

I wish you to have a nice day, and I hope you can get better.

 

[Unending...]

I'm so sorry, that's utterly terrible. No one should ever have to go through anything like this.

 

[absurdtimeline]

Thank you- you're the first person to make me think it wasnt something I did and I can't tell you how much that means, a lot of my 'friends' have made me feel as though I did something wrong

Your friends are rape enablers. That's why rapists go around doing it. Instead of fearing for their lives, wondering when a bunch of people will show up with baseball bats

 

[failingthroughlife]

I thought I'd add a little- I'm so grateful for the support!
I've tried reaching out to my ex (silly but he knows me best) and I honestly don't think he's bothered and BOY does that hurt. I have tried speaking to my friends but some of them said they can't/ won't help me- I understand that things like this are very difficult.
Since this has happened to me not one of my friends has checked in with me- it's kind of like i'm still dealing with their problems. I just really wish I had someone I could speak to through this and I feel so so alone. I think thats whats hurting the most, I got through it last time because I had people around me but this time I don't and I don't know if I can carry on ◠̈

 

[Angi]

I am so sorry this happened to you. And I am so impressed you managed to report it the first time. You are so brave! (Even without trying a second time!) I have never reported. I am too scared of the police. I have reported something much easier to deal with, so I know how the police treats victims, I just can't.

I just really wish I had someone I could speak to through this

Many places have organisations to support rape survivors. Maybe google it for where you live. They likely provide counselling or legal assistance. I hope you can find someone useful to talk to!

 

[general bacon]

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Very sick individual that did this to you, and I won’t go into what I think he deserves. My DMs are open if you need to vent or talk about anything. I of course can’t fix your situation, but sometimes a listening ear is helpful. Sending you lots of love *hugs*

 

[Kariope]

I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve this happening to you, no one does. Sending lots of love your way...

 

[failingthroughlife]

I thought I'd add a little- I'm so grateful for the support!
I've tried reaching out to my ex (silly but he knows me best) and I honestly don't think he's bothered and BOY does that hurt. I have tried speaking to my friends but some of them said they can't/ won't help me- I understand that things like this are very difficult.
Since this has happened to me not one of my friends has checked in with me- it's kind of like i'm still dealing with their problems. I just really wish I had someone I could speak to through this and I feel so so alone. I think thats whats hurting the most, I got through it last time because I had people around me but this time I don't and I don't know if I can carry on ◠̈

So my final add on- my ex has seen my message and ignored it and I cant even express how much thats hurt me. How can you 'love' someone for years and then ignore them when they need you most? honestly thats so small compared to what i've just been through but thats tipped me over the edge

 

[LaVieEnRose]

So my final add on- my ex has seen my message and ignored it and I cant even express how much thats hurt me. How can you 'love' someone for years and then ignore them when they need you most? honestly thats so small compared to what i've just been through but thats tipped me over the edge

It's understandable why that is so hurtful.

What was your communication like up to that point?

 

[Kraus]

I can't believe these pigs are still alive, my cousin was already raped by my uncle she was only 8 years old, as "revenge" I stabbed him, I can't help you much because I have some empathy issues, but I still have a sense of justice , society is completely broken on the issue of "fairness" my cousin's case was totally ignored, her mother said it was "the overactive imagination" how a child would imagine this kind of thing? your ex and another asshole for not supporting you, i wish you all the best and may those fucking rapists burn in hell. Also don't feel bad for your ex he's an asshole anyway

 

[failingthroughlife]

It's understandable why that is so hurtful.

What was your communication like up to that point?

We'd maintained a friendship and had quite a few video catchups, he promised he'd always be there if I needed him and I just feel silly for believing that

 

[LaVieEnRose]

We'd maintained a friendship and had quite a few video catchups, he promised he'd always be there if I needed him and I just feel silly for believing that

You had no reason to doubt him so I don't think you were silly to believe him even though I know it feels that way.

I know what it's like to be dropped by someone who professes their loyalty and support. Could it be he is taking it all in first? I don't know. You deserve support with this and perhaps to that end peer support could be helpful.

 

[failingthroughlife]

You had no reason to doubt him so I don't think you were silly to believe him even though I know it feels that way.

I know what it's like to be dropped by someone who professes their loyalty and support. Could it be he is taking it all in first? I don't know. You deserve support with this and perhaps to that end peer support could be helpful.

I'm going to block him- He's knows how I react to things and he knows that something like this would make me feel as though I didn't want to be here anymore. People on this forum (that I have never met) have shown me so much more love and compassion and I cannot tell you how much it means to me

 

[hellispink]

I was raped by someone several times , since that day I have never been the same. Something in me died that day. The first months were hell feeling trapped alone without no one to tell, wanting to report but knowing it would be dropped anyways. Just thinking that my abuser is living his best life makes me want to cut my throat so i dont have to think or exist anymore. I wonder how it is fair we going through this nightmare while they laughing and smiling like nothing happened? . I will never get a sorry or acknowledge for what happened. Its an empty void that will never close for me. Something i cant even discuss because when i did my mother told me i was lying and to stop talking nonsense. This world is disgusting. They shit and will always be its not your fault that they have nothing in their souls. This world is fucking cruel.

 

[girlsboysthems]

Sorry to hear this... I hope you can find peace in your life and remember we are here for you, even if its a suicide forum we still care about you and we want you to be in a good state of mind. if you ever need anything do ask <3

 

[irie]

i'm so sorry you had to go through this, nobody deserves to have to endure something of this caliber, much less twice. we're here for you if you need someone, you don't have to go through it alone. i wish you the best and i hope things get better <3

 

[failingthroughlife]

another cheeky update from me (it helps to share things) Ex is now blocked and it kinda feels good. I traveled to be with my friends as I felt like I couldnt keep myself safe but I don't think they really want me around and im being ignored so thats fun ◠̈

 

[LaVieEnRose]

but I don't think they really want me around and im being ignored so thats fun ◠̈

What leads you to think that?

 

[CellarBoy]

Never, and I mean NEVER, apologize for something like that. I know what he did was devastating, and I know first hand how terrible it is, and I'm so very proud of you for having the guts to step out and speak about it, even if it is online, it's still very difficult, especially in such a small time frame within it happening. I'm so, so sorry that it had happened to you, and I really do hope you can even minorly recover from that. I know you can make it through this, I have that feeling about you. I know you can push, and if you do, I'm so proud of you. You're doing amazing, never forget that.