I was hesitant to post this but I’m too distressed not to.

[Ghost2211]

Yeah is perfect line of the day. He said "you made your choices. Now you're just feeling the consequences". Choice being leaving him.

 

[madbananas]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I don't have much useful things to say because I have never experienced anything like that, but it sounds beyond horrible. Sending hugs.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Yeah is perfect line of the day. He said "you made your choices. Now you're just feeling the consequences". Choice being leaving him.

So hard to be around someone who thinks they're so logical and are incapable of rationality.

 

[epic]

My ex and I spilt a year ago. He cheated and left me. He's moving out now because it's been made clear to him he doesn't have control anymore, and he can't handle watching me distance from him and not give in to his gaslighting about history and manipulation. He told the kids he is being force out of his home and wishes he didn't have to leave. In reality I openly and regularly tell him he is welcome here and I would be civil, polite, and helpful but that I don't have any romantic interest in him. He told my son he's leaving because mommy doesn't love him and he cried at me for days about now perfect everything was between despite the fact that he was stonewalling and neglecting mine and kids needs for weeks. He's made himself the victim and is using kids as pawns to push his agenda when all he needs to do is be civil. This persons narcissism has made me want to die for so long. I just want him out of my life but he holds all the cards. I'm so upset by his bs, but also not surprised at all. He's always the fucking victim in everything no matter what.

Your problem is solvable. The most obvious thing you can do is leave him and never meet him again . Another one is give him a chance, communicate clearly what you expect from the relationship , if he improves great otherwise move on with your life without him. Our brains get over the pain of heartbreak in a matter of some days to 18 months , because our memory fades with time along with the intensity and frequency of trauma. This is supported by scientific evidence. If you decide to move on, find a psychiatrist to help you if the trauma is too much, these people are trained in this kind of thing. Involve yourselves with other friends or family if you feel lonely, or join a support group. The important thing is you will get over this. 43% of US population gets divorced, that's 10's of millions of people , practically all of them move on successfully and lead a normal life , even in the cases where there is domestic abuse which happens in around 23 % of cases, victims get back to normal as their trauma fades.

 

[Ghost2211]

Your problem is solvable. The most obvious thing you can do is leave him and never meet him again . Another one is give him a chance, communicate clearly what you expect from the relationship , if he improves great otherwise move on with your life without him. Our brains get over the pain of heartbreak in a matter of some days to 18 months , because our memory fades with time along with the intensity and frequency of trauma. This is supported by scientific evidence. If you decide to move on, find a psychiatrist to help you if the trauma is too much, these people are trained in this kind of thing. Involve yourselves with other friends or family if you feel lonely, or join a support group. The important thing is you will get over this. 43% of US population gets divorced, that's 10's of millions of people , practically all of them move on successfully and lead a normal life , even in the cases where there is domestic abuse which happens in around 23 % of cases, victims get back to normal as their trauma fades.

Its not relationship loss that's the issue it's that he's emotionally and psychologically abusive. I'm in therapy, and he is why I joined this group. I can see now that there is life beyond this, but it still feels like there is mountains to climb to get there. People like him intend to make their partner feel helpless, weak, dependent, alone, worthless, consent wrong, and not lovable. I'm learning how to get out of this, but it's like being buried under a pile of rocks and having to try to dig yourself out. They shape the world around making their partner suffer.

 

[SadJessu]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through all of this. I see your posts often, since I'm a fairly chronic lurker, and they always bring me a sense of peace for some reason. Stay safe.

 

[Weather]

Hi. I'm sorry; I'm a lurker and actually made an account just to respond to this because -- ugh! I don't know if you're married or not, but go to a family law attorney. I assume you are in the U.S., and I know our legal system has lots of barriers to keep people out, but... it should be worth it. Use a joint account and pay a retainer up front. Start a dated journal, or send emails to yourself, documenting his behavior -- not so much toward you (courts don't care without medical/police records to back you up), but totally to document what he is saying to the kids and/or doing around the kids. It can be used to show that he's not focusing on their best interests (it's a big no-no to trash talk the other parent or bring the kids into the conflict). Meanwhile, be on your best behavior to the best of your ability. I don't know (or want to know!) what state you are in, but there are means to solve this -- you can get court orders for a variety of things pending a divorce, in a divorce, or even with no marriage but just shared kids.

Anyway, I'm sorry to butt in -- I know we don't know each other (but I have been reading your posts for a long time). I just... so much of our hopelessness comes from powerlessness.

Uh. Sorry. I feel dumb for writing this now. I'll go back to lurking.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am sorry you are going through this. Your kids will know that you are not to blame. I hope things get better for you.

 

[Ghost2211]

Hi. I'm sorry; I'm a lurker and actually made an account just to respond to this because -- ugh! I don't know if you're married or not, but go to a family law attorney. I assume you are in the U.S., and I know our legal system has lots of barriers to keep people out, but... it should be worth it. Use a joint account and pay a retainer up front. Start a dated journal, or send emails to yourself, documenting his behavior -- not so much toward you (courts don't care without medical/police records to back you up), but totally to document what he is saying to the kids and/or doing around the kids. It can be used to show that he's not focusing on their best interests (it's a big no-no to trash talk the other parent or bring the kids into the conflict). Meanwhile, be on your best behavior to the best of your ability. I don't know (or want to know!) what state you are in, but there are means to solve this -- you can get court orders for a variety of things pending a divorce, in a divorce, or even with no marriage but just shared kids.

Anyway, I'm sorry to butt in -- I know we don't know each other (but I have been reading your posts for a long time). I just... so much of our hopelessness comes from powerlessness.

Uh. Sorry. I feel dumb for writing this now. I'll go back to lurking.

It's lovely to meet you. Welcome to the group. I would love to hear more of your posts!

we were never married. He won't do anything like cut off money or take kids since what is happening is a tantrum. I'm sure he will lay low then try to manipulate again. I have talked to a lawyer, but since we didn't get married I can't get spouse support even though I've been his dependent for 11 years. I'll need to see his next move to know mine.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

It's lovely to meet you. Welcome to the group. I would love to hear more of your posts!

we were never married. He won't do anything like cut off money or take kids since what is happening is a tantrum. I'm sure he will lay low then try to manipulate again. I have talked to a lawyer, but since we didn't get married I can't get spouse support even though I've been his dependent for 11 years. I'll need to see his next move to know mine.

Have you considered talking to more than one lawyer?

Also, is there common law marriage in your state? Has he been claiming you on income taxes as a dependent?

 

[Ghost2211]

Have you considered talking to more than one lawyer?

Also, is there common law marriage in your state? Has he been claiming you on income taxes as a dependent?

I'll for sure talk to a second lawyer. Nope he didn't claim me. I don't make an income so never needed to file, and I'm sure he left me off of it intentionally. I know I was an idiot.

Edit to add: no common law

 

[SuicideBoys93]

It's been one month since I moved out my house. I haven't talked to what was my wife since like the 19th or 20th of September. I don't miss what she became, but I do miss the happy us. I often play in my head the memories I do love with my ex-wife. I think it's partly because I'm lonely. My life is bland right now. I go to the gym and do schoolwork. Last weekend I did meet up with a female and we had a good time but my brain continued to make the connection of this females appearance back to my wife. She had similar physical features like eye color and hair color. I'm just hoping I make it out of this rut to push on in life. Although life is shit, I have seen beauty in life. With time so precious I want to get out their and live again, but can't fully invest into anything outside of my bland routine.

 

[Ghost2211]

It's been one month since I moved out my house. I haven't talked to what was my wife since like the 19th or 20th of September. I don't miss what she became, but I do miss the happy us. I often play in my head the memories I do love with my ex-wife. I think it's partly because I'm lonely. My life is bland right now. I go to the gym and do schoolwork. Last weekend I did meet up with a female and we had a good time but my brain continued to make the connection of this females appearance back to my wife. She had similar physical features like eye color and hair color. I'm just hoping I make it out of this rut to push on in life. Although life is shit, I have seen beauty in life. With time so precious I want to get out their and live again, but can't fully invest into anything outside of my bland routine.

Hey, it feels like it's been a while since I've seen you. Have you been away or just posting less? Losing long relationships can be quite a shock, but try not to let it prevent you from loving again or being loved. I know this is easier said than done. If you can see beauty in life still things can get better. It's hard to pull oneself out of a hole when we get stuck, but it can be done. I'm here if you ever want to talk.

 

[SuicideBoys93]

Hey, it feels like it's been a while since I've seen you. Have you been away or just posting less? Losing long relationships can be quite a shock, but try not to let it prevent you from loving again or being loved. I know this is easier said than done. If you can see beauty in life still things can get better. It's hard to pull oneself out of a hole when we get stuck, but it can be done. I'm here if you ever want to talk.

Just been keeping to my self. I've been lurking but mostly just reading. May sound terrible given the topic of the board, but it's always a pleasure seeing you around.

 

[Ghost2211]

Just been keeping to my self. I've been lurking but mostly just reading. May sound terrible given the topic of the board, but it's always a pleasure seeing you around.

There is nothing wrong with just hanging out and reading

 

[Snktag]

Hola como estas e leído bastante estos días y si escribo es porque estoy pasando por un momento bastante parecido a diferencia que yo soy el hombre y yo fui el que aleje, me fui a vivir solo esperando que ella pensaría mejor las cosas, ella no trabaja yo cubro todos los gastos, mi sueldo no cubre todo y me ha sido difícil pagar los gastos, o salidas para mis hijos. Ya han pasado dos años y hemos tenido encuentros sexuales pero ella solo dice que no podemos volver que ya no me ama. Hace dos meses me entere que está conociendo a alguien y que ya son algo serio, eso me rompió el corazón porque yo he luchado todo este tiempo por ella, por tenerla feliz o tranquila y así mismo me he aislado para que ella piense las cosas es una relación de 19 años la amo tanto pero la indiferencia de ella es inmensa, ahora cuando la llamo solo me dice que la llame solo para cosas de los niños que no quiere saber absolutamente nada más. Por eso me siento vulnerable me siento usado porque no me veo con nadie más, han pasado mujeres y no las puedo ver con otros ojos. No puedo sentir nada. Solo me la imagino a ella y eso en verdad me tiene el corazón en pedazos, e investigado mucho para irme sin dolor pero veo que nadie me da una fórmula verdadera. No quiero seguir aquí

 

[Cherrypea]

Hi Rosey, I saw this yesterday but didn't have the mental capacity to reply sorry. How are you today? I'd say him leaving has to be a good thing. Or he back? X

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i don't have any advice i can give you, rosey, but i really do hope that things start looking up for you and the kids. you deserve it.

 

[Ghost2211]

Hi Rosey, I saw this yesterday but didn't have the mental capacity to reply sorry. How are you today? I'd say him leaving has to be a good thing. Or he back? X

He left. I'm happy he is gone, but still spent the morning crying due to coming to terms with the reality of having to screw over my future as far as security snd finances. I just wish life hadn't hit this point. I wish I saw him for what he is a decade ago. I'm just a bit overwhelmed.

Hola como estas e leído bastante estos días y si escribo es porque estoy pasando por un momento bastante parecido a diferencia que yo soy el hombre y yo fui el que aleje, me fui a vivir solo esperando que ella pensaría mejor las cosas, ella no trabaja yo cubro todos los gastos, mi sueldo no cubre todo y me ha sido difícil pagar los gastos, o salidas para mis hijos. Ya han pasado dos años y hemos tenido encuentros sexuales pero ella solo dice que no podemos volver que ya no me ama. Hace dos meses me entere que está conociendo a alguien y que ya son algo serio, eso me rompió el corazón porque yo he luchado todo este tiempo por ella, por tenerla feliz o tranquila y así mismo me he aislado para que ella piense las cosas es una relación de 19 años la amo tanto pero la indiferencia de ella es inmensa, ahora cuando la llamo solo me dice que la llame solo para cosas de los niños que no quiere saber absolutamente nada más. Por eso me siento vulnerable me siento usado porque no me veo con nadie más, han pasado mujeres y no las puedo ver con otros ojos. No puedo sentir nada. Solo me la imagino a ella y eso en verdad me tiene el corazón en pedazos, e investigado mucho para irme sin dolor pero veo que nadie me da una fórmula verdadera. No quiero seguir aquí

I'm sorry friend. I only speak English ❤

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

He left. I'm happy he is gone, but still spent the morning crying due to coming to terms with the reality of having to screw over my future as far as security snd finances. I just wish life hadn't hit this point. I wish I saw him for what he is a decade ago. I'm just a bit overwhelmed.

It always aches my heart to see someone struggle financially. Makes me hate this world we live in even more. I'm so sorry that you have to go through with it. You are really strong for enduring it.

 

[Ghost2211]

It always aches my heart to see someone struggle financially. Makes me hate this world we live in even more. I'm so sorry that you have to go through with it. You are really strong for enduring it.

Me too. I hate how many of us suffer or die for something like money. money is one of humans and societies worst concepts.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

It is horrible that you are the victim of this kind of abuse.

I know this is a generic comment and it does not help much, but I wished to say something because I think you are one of the kindest individuals in this community, so it is not fair that you have experienced this treatment from another person.

 

[Cherrypea]

You will get through this, it'll take a while to process and it will be emotional. You have your babies and they have you. Always xxxx

 

[Ghost2211]

I keep cycling between happy and angry.... I'm tackling problems one at a time and solving them, and I feel good about myself for it. On the other side he will contact me and start shit. I shut it down, but he goes off about how my side of the story isn't reality, and I treated him badly. All I did was be neutral to him. I didn't yell or fight I just ignored him, but he keeps saying I was cruel for treating him like he's expandable.

He talked to the kids on FaceTime yesterday I asked them how they are. They said they are good but miss him. He later texted me asking how they are. I said he can visit, call, or even live here without limitation or hostility, but that I won't report to him or discuss anything outside the kids needs. Telling him about their day doesn't feel like something I should have to do when he chooses to not be here. Am I being unreasonable? Should I talk to him about them when it won't help or impact them, but rather just give him info?

I just want him to not talk to me. If he tries again I'll tell him all talks need to come through mediation or a therapist. The level of gaslighting is awful. He invalidates anything I say.

 

[schopenh]

So sorry you're going through this RoseyBird, you're one of the nicest members on the forum.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

he keeps saying I was cruel for treating him like he's expandable

Typical projection. That's exactly what he did when he moved in with the woman he cheated with.

Sounds like you're getting the gray rock technique down. This isn't his first tantrum storm, it won't be his last. Hope that helps you to maintain your equilibrium with all the gaslighting.

As far as the kids' days, they are capable of telling him, you don't work for him. Did he care so much when he was playing house with the other woman?

 

[fluffymuffin]

I keep cycling between happy and angry.... I'm tackling problems one at a time and solving them, and I feel good about myself for it. On the other side he will contact me and start shit. I shut it down, but he goes off about how my side of the story isn't reality, and I treated him badly. All I did was be neutral to him. I didn't yell or fight I just ignored him, but he keeps saying I was cruel for treating him like he's expandable.

He talked to the kids on FaceTime yesterday I asked them how they are. They said they are good but miss him. He later texted me asking how they are. I said he can visit, call, or even live here without limitation or hostility, but that I won't report to him or discuss anything outside the kids needs. Telling him about their day doesn't feel like something I should have to do when he chooses to not be here. Am I being unreasonable? Should I talk to him about them when it won't help or impact them, but rather just give him info?

I just want him to not talk to me. If he tries again I'll tell him all talks need to come through mediation or a therapist. The level of gaslighting is awful. He invalidates anything I say.

You're doing the right thing. You don't have to report their daily lives since he can ask them himself and it feels like he's looking for an excuse to talk, it's healthier to minimize your interactions together for your own peace of mind. Talking to him will just give him an opening to hurt/gaslight you.

Didn't you say that the kids miss him? Then isn't it weird for him to ask about their day when he can visit him whenever he want to? It's ironic how he thinks you're being the bad guy despite everything you've been through because of him, he should be grateful for how you're handling this maturely. It feels like he has something on mind.

 

[Ghost2211]

Typical projection. That's exactly what he did when he moved in with the woman he cheated with.

Sounds like you're getting the gray rock technique down. This isn't his first tantrum storm, it won't be his last. Hope that helps you to maintain your equilibrium with all the gaslighting.

As far as the kids' days, they are capable of telling him, you don't work for him. Did he care so much when he was playing house with the other woman?

Exactly, he didn't care about their day. He tried to use it as an in . It's funny, I told my therapist at least he's gone and she said "it's ok if you need to be I denial for a bit. I would too." It takes a lot to not engage in his tantrums, but I'm getting better at it every time. I see it's getting better, but even with the ability to intellectualize it it's a constant struggle to get out of.

You're doing the right thing. You don't have to report their daily lives since he can ask them himself and it feels like he's looking for an excuse to talk, it's healthier to minimize your interactions together for your own peace of mind. Talking to him will just give him an opening to hurt/gaslight you.

Didn't you say that the kids miss him? Then isn't it weird for him to ask about their day when he can visit him whenever he want to? It's ironic how he thinks you're being the bad guy despite everything you've been through because of him, he should be grateful for how you're handling this maturely. It feels like he has something on mind.

I text back every time that he has full access to them in person and through electronics. I wonder if he was trying to bait me into something that suggests denying access since kept saying "I just want to know how the kids are"... I'm like ok come see them .....

 

[fluffymuffin]

Exactly, he didn't care about their day. He tried to use it as an in . It's funny, I told my therapist at least he's gone and she said "it's ok if you need to be I denial for a bit. I would too." It takes a lot to not engage in his tantrums, but I'm getting better at it every time. I see it's getting better, but even with the ability to intellectualize it it's a constant struggle to get out of.

I text back every time that he has full access to them in person and through electronics. I wonder if he was trying to bait me into something that suggests denying access since kept saying "I just want to know how the kids are"... I'm like ok come see them .....

This reminds me of my father who never bothered to ask about my wellbeing but he accused my mother of keeping me away from him. I think he might do it and accuse you of the same thing and try to win the sympathy of others by not coming to see his children, putting all the blame on you and letting you question your morality.

I suggest to keep records of your texts and calls incase such thing happens, so you won't be mistakenly accused of anything. I'm very convinced that he's planning to do something.

 

[Ghost2211]

This reminds me of my father who never bothered to ask about my wellbeing but he accused my mother of keeping me away from him. I think he might do it and accuse you of the same thing and try to win the sympathy of others by not coming to see his children, putting all the blame on you and letting you question your morality.

I suggest to keep records of your texts and calls incase such thing happens, so you won't be mistakenly accused of anything. I'm very convinced that he's planning to do something.

I get that impression too. Does this sound ok?

"I am making this statement for legal purposes in case it ever comes up. I am not suggesting or desiring we take that path.

You have full unrestricted access to the children both in person and electronically. You are welcome to visit or live in the home we both rent, and I will promise civility and respect. We have a different account of recent events and as such any discussion needs to come through mediation or therapy. I am open to resolving issues through professional help to provide a better life for the kids. I will not report the children's daily life to you, but I will inform you if any emotional or physical problems occur. If you desire to know how they are you are welcome to contact, visit, or cohabitate."