Venting I wanted to offer help... but I feel like a privileged prick that came to preach pro-life bullshit

[nicotineinvestor]

Since I was 13 I've been suicidal with varying levels of intensity, but always suicidal to a degree. Depression, anxiety, ADHD, anhedonia, chronic physical conditions, you name it - I had it.

I experienced a bad case of psychosis back in September 2023. I was in a psychiatric hospital for months. They took away all my previous mental diagnoses and diagnosed me with schizotypal disorder. I was put back on duloxetine and was put through an array of anti-psychotics. I got discharged from the hospital and within two months I became the most depressed and suicidal I've ever been. Post psychosis depression was the worst agony I've felt in my life. I was lurking on SS, and it became a secret addiction. SS became like group therapy for me. So close to CTB that I was hospitalized. 7 weeks went by and I was only a little less suicidal when I was discharged. Since then I've gotten better with the right medicine, group therapy, substance rehab, individual therapy and endless care and help from my loved ones.

Today I'm the "happiest" I've ever been. Not movie level happy, but content. I work 6-12 hours a week and get enough money to stay afloat with my partner and our new puppy. I have amazing friends and family, and my living situation is good and stable. I still struggle with maaaaany things, and negative symptoms from my schizotypal disorder. But I don't feel suicidal anymore. For the first time since I was 13.


So I decided to come back to SS to offer some kind words of encouragement for people in the Recovery section. I wanted to tell you all that "it gets better" and offer recovery support. But reading everything that people are going through... I feel like the 1%. I do belong to the black queer minority, but I haven't had anywhere near as bad experiences, as so many people on this platform. I have so many privileges, and my home country has so many ressources to help psychiatric patients and people in the fringes of society. I get so much support from the government and from my circle, and that is not available the same way to everybody.

I feel so useless. I don't wanna be a privileged asshole that gives people false hope or pukes pro-life bullshit.

I wanna help, how can I do that?

 

[whybother2002]

Priviledge doesn't really mean much when it comes to mental health. Yes, you were able to get professional help, therapy, medication... but that don't stop me from wanting to die and certainly didn't for many others here. You suffered a lot and your story is valid and inspirational. Most people wouldn't want to return to this site, after all it only brings bad memories. But you want to help others in their recovery. It's common for a lot of users here to scoff anyone who simply won't reply the posts with "yes, you should do it. check this thread to learn how." But the experience of an old user is super valuable.

 

[nicotineinvestor]

Priviledge doesn't really mean much when it comes to mental health. Yes, you were able to get professional help, therapy, medication... but that don't stop me from wanting to die and certainly didn't for many others here. You suffered a lot and your story is valid and inspirational. Most people wouldn't want to return to this site, after all it only brings bad memories. But you want to help others in their recovery. It's common for a lot of users here to scoff anyone who simply won't reply the posts with "yes, you should do it. check this thread to learn how." But the experience of an old user is super valuable.

Thank you so much for your thoughts.

 

[Natsuhi13]

Desde os 13 anos, tenho pensamentos suicidas, com níveis variados de intensidade, mas sempre com um certo grau de suicídio. Depressão, ansiedade, TDAH, anedonia, doenças físicas crônicas, tudo o que você imagina — eu tive.

Eu tive um caso grave de psicose em setembro de 2023. Fiquei internado em um hospital psiquiátrico por meses. Eles removeram todos os meus diagnósticos mentais anteriores e me diagnosticaram com transtorno esquizotípico. Voltei a tomar duloxetina e uma série de antipsicóticos. Recebido alta do hospital e, em dois meses, fiquei mais deprimido e com tendências suicidas do que nunca. A depressão pós-psicose foi a pior agonia que já senti na minha vida. Eu estava à espreita na SS, e ela se tornou um vício secreto. A SS se tornou uma terapia de grupo para mim. Tão perto do CTB que fui hospitalizado. Sete semanas se passaram e eu fui apenas um pouco menos suicida quando cheguei alta. Desde então, melhorei com os medicamentos certos, terapia de grupo, reabilitação de substâncias, terapia individual e cuidados e ajuda infinitos dos meus entes queridos.

Hoje estou mais "feliz" do que nunca. Não tão feliz quanto um filme, mas contente. Trabalho de 6 a 12 horas por semana e ganho dinheiro suficiente para me sustentar com meu parceiro e nosso novo cachorrinho. Tenho amigos e familiares incríveis, e minha situação de vida é boa e estável. Ainda luto com muu...


Então, decida voltar ao SS para oferecer algumas palavras gentis de incentivo às pessoas da seção de Recuperação. Queria dizer a todos que "melhora" e oferecer apoio à recuperação. Mas lendo tudo o que as pessoas estão passando... me sinto como o 1%. Pertenço à minoria negra queer, mas não tive experiências tão ruins quanto tantas pessoas nesta plataforma. Tenho tantas necessidades, e meu país natal tem tantos recursos para ajudar pacientes psiquiátricos e pessoas à margem da sociedade. Recebe muito apoio do governo e do meu círculo social, e isso não é oferecido da mesma forma para todos.

Eu me sinto tão inútil. Não quero ser um babaca privilegiado que dá falsas esperanças às pessoas ou vomita besteiras pró-vida.

Quero ajudar, como posso fazer isso?

Fico muito feliz pela sua atitude, mas infelizmente não achei interessante (mas respeito a sua decisão) que se mantenha aqui no site. Infelizmente, lendo e relendo postagens você pode ter lembranças de algum material que consumimos interfere direta e indiretamente em nosso subconsciente.

Diferente do que responderam à sua mensagem, eu acredito sim que privilégios podem interferir sim no bem estar mental (mas não apenas o privilégio, as vezes o sofrimento é tanto que nem o acesso a todo tipo de suporte e tratamento é o suficiente). Muitas pessoas fazem CTB devido a dívidas e questões socioeconômicas, então sua análise de privilégios foi bem lúcida.

Recentemente um amigo meu aqui do site (que eu conhecia IRL) foi devido a sofrimento extremo, mas acredito que se houvesse algum suporte financeiro ele buscaria algum tipo de tratamento.

 

[leadedSnail]

Reading your story has helped. I want to recover but am plagued with this guilt that, even though my circumstances aren't ideal, they're much better than others I know. Knowing someone else who has also struggled with suicidal ideation at an early age has gotten to a place in life where it doesn't shadow them gives me hope. I know that sounds super preachy and I don't even know if I'm sounding more human right now or like a bot (I guess it's because of my current mental state?) but I say this earnestly.

 

[nicotineinvestor]

Reading your story has helped. I want to recover but am plagued with this guilt that, even though my circumstances aren't ideal, they're much better than others I know. Knowing someone else who has also struggled with suicidal ideation at an early age has gotten to a place in life where it doesn't shadow them gives me hope. I know that sounds super preachy and I don't even know if I'm sounding more human right now or like a bot (I guess it's because of my current mental state?) but I say this earnestly.

Thank you for the response. I am 27 today, so it has really been a looooong tough road. But I am grateful to myself that I didn't lose that 1 gram of hope that I had left in me. I hope it works out for you!

 

[EmptyBottle]

I also partially recovered from death wishes, while they sometimes re-appear, they are less serious than before. The recovery didn't actually include professional assistance, just time (months to years), assistance from others and the original triggers reducing.

Now I think, even if CTB might be an option, it isn't worth it for me, since there are cool things I could miss out on, and I managed to recognise that my CTB wishes are more of escape wishes.

 

[Natsuhi13]

Eu também me recuperei parcialmente dos desejos suicidas; embora às vezes reapareçam, são menos graves do que antes. A recuperação não incluiu ajuda profissional, apenas tempo (meses a anos), apoio de outras pessoas e a redução dos gatilhos originais.

Agora eu acho que, mesmo que o CTB seja uma opção, não vale a pena para mim, já que há coisas legais que eu poderia perder, e consegui reconhecer que meus desejos de CTB são mais desejos de fuga.

Eu me identifiquei muito com seu ponto de vista (em relação aos desejos de CTB), acredito que os meus podem ser devido à fuga também. Infelizmente não encontrei ainda um psicólogo com quem eu me identifiquei o suficiente para receber acompanhamento. Eu realmente tenho vontade de me curar
Atualmente faço apenas o manejo de sintomas (ansiedade e depressão) com psiquiatra (através de medicação), mas gostaria realmente de me curar pra me livrar de tudo isso

 

[EmptyBottle]

Eu me identifiquei muito com seu ponto de vista (em relação aos desejos de CTB), acredito que os meus podem ser devido à fuga também. Infelizmente não encontrei ainda um psicólogo com quem eu me identifiquei o suficiente para receber acompanhamento. Eu realmente tenho vontade de me curar
Atualmente faço apenas o manejo de sintomas (ansiedade e depressão) com psiquiatra (através de medicação), mas gostaria realmente de me curar pra me livrar de tudo isso

Pode-se ser capaz de pedir a clínica para um psicólogo. Então, talvez, uma vez se sentindo melhor, você pode ser capaz de perguntar ao psiquiatra sobre planos para reduzir a medicação, etc.

Traduzido por Disroot :) https://translate.disroot.org/

 

[Natsuhi13]

Pode-se ser capaz de pedir uma clínica para um psicólogo. Então, talvez, uma vez que você sinta melhor, você pode ser capaz de perguntar ao psiquiatra sobre planos para reduzir a medicação, etc.

Traduzido por Disroot :) https://translate.disroot.org/

Vou ver com o psiquiatra aqui se/como é possível (a redução da medicação e o acompanhamento com psicólogo). Vou ao psiquiatra pelo SUS (sistema único de saúde) é um serviço público gratuito no Brasil.

Minhas crises tem piorado e temo a voltar aos episódios de mania pois acompanhei testemunhos de um amigo IRL que também era membro aqui do SaSu, ele se foi há pouco mais que duas semanas através do método SN e sinto tanto por não ter conseguido reduzir sua dor com conselhos e apoio.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Vou ver com o psiquiatra aqui se/como é possível (a redução da medicação e o acompanhamento com psicólogo). Vou ao psiquiatra pelo SUS (sistema único de saúde) é um serviço público gratuito no Brasil.

Minhas crises tem piorado e temo a voltar aos episódios de mania pois acompanhei testemunhos de um amigo IRL que também era membro aqui do SaSu, ele se foi há pouco mais que duas semanas através do método SN e sinto tanto por não ter conseguido reduzir sua dor com conselhos e apoio.

Desculpa pela tua perda.
É muito, muito difícil convencer alguém a cancelar o plano, provavelmente não consegui.
O único consolo é que a vida parece finita e vamos todos um dia entrar na vida após a morte.

 

[Seneca65AD]

I think you are helping just by putting yourself out there. I've only been a member of SaSu for a few hours but I've had suicidal ideations for almost 50 years. I've had failed attempts and I can't honestly say that I'm happy I failed. But the emotional pain does ease a little. Time is quite good at dulling emotional wounds - although if you would have asked me decades ago, I would have bet good money I would not make it to 60. So, putting yourself out there does provide an example that things can get really good. For me, I'll take just good enough so I don't CTB.

 

[whywere]

I live by the motto" "be true to yourself and others with smiles and open arms helping".

Walter

 

[Natsuhi13]

Desculpa pela tua perda.
É muito, muito difícil convencer alguém a cancelar o plano, provavelmente não consegui.
O único consolo é que a vida parece finita e vamos todos um dia entrar na vida após a morte

Espero que ele finalmente esteja descansando em paz agora. Todos os dias são uma agonia constante desde que ele se foi..., tenho olhado SN online (no Brasil e muito fácil de obter). Mas não é isso que eu realmente quero..., quero me curar só não sei exatamente como começar

Semana que vem faço 33 anos, parece que não mudou nada

Acho que você já está ajudando só por se expor. Sou membro do SaSu há apenas algumas horas, mas tenho pensamentos suicidas há quase 50 anos. Já tentei suicídio e, honestamente, não posso dizer que estou feliz por ter falhado. Mas a dor emocional diminui um pouco. O tempo é ótimo para amenizar feridas emocionais – embora, se você me perguntasse décadas atrás, eu apostaria que não chegaria aos 60. Então, se expor mostra que as coisas podem melhorar bastante. Para mim, já é o suficiente para não me suicidar.

Tenho uma tia que tem 70 anos, desde criança ouço falando ela que não chegaria aos 50. É divertido e bonito ver que, apesar de vários contratempos que ela passou na vida (divórcio, traição) ela ainda vê graça na vida sabe

queria ser um pouco mais assim, e torço o mesmo pra você. Me sinto bem em ler que sua dor aliviou ♡

 

[EmptyBottle]

Espero que ele finalmente esteja descansando em paz agora. Todos os dias são uma agonia constante desde que ele se foi..., tenho olhado SN online (no Brasil e muito fácil de obter). Mas não é isso que eu realmente quero..., quero me curar só não sei exatamente como começar

Semana que vem faço 33 anos, parece que não mudou nada

Recovery and Crisis Resource Compilation

The following are resources for you to reach out for help and support. We encourage you to seek recovery and be happy. Different resources work for different people, so we encourage you try several until you find what you need. Your happiness comes first. The list has been created from...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[hoppybunny]

Since I was 13 I've been suicidal with varying levels of intensity, but always suicidal to a degree. Depression, anxiety, ADHD, anhedonia, chronic physical conditions, you name it - I had it.

I experienced a bad case of psychosis back in September 2023. I was in a psychiatric hospital for months. They took away all my previous mental diagnoses and diagnosed me with schizotypal disorder. I was put back on duloxetine and was put through an array of anti-psychotics. I got discharged from the hospital and within two months I became the most depressed and suicidal I've ever been. Post psychosis depression was the worst agony I've felt in my life. I was lurking on SS, and it became a secret addiction. SS became like group therapy for me. So close to CTB that I was hospitalized. 7 weeks went by and I was only a little less suicidal when I was discharged. Since then I've gotten better with the right medicine, group therapy, substance rehab, individual therapy and endless care and help from my loved ones.

Today I'm the "happiest" I've ever been. Not movie level happy, but content. I work 6-12 hours a week and get enough money to stay afloat with my partner and our new puppy. I have amazing friends and family, and my living situation is good and stable. I still struggle with maaaaany things, and negative symptoms from my schizotypal disorder. But I don't feel suicidal anymore. For the first time since I was 13.


So I decided to come back to SS to offer some kind words of encouragement for people in the Recovery section. I wanted to tell you all that "it gets better" and offer recovery support. But reading everything that people are going through... I feel like the 1%. I do belong to the black queer minority, but I haven't had anywhere near as bad experiences, as so many people on this platform. I have so many privileges, and my home country has so many ressources to help psychiatric patients and people in the fringes of society. I get so much support from the government and from my circle, and that is not available the same way to everybody.

I feel so useless. I don't wanna be a privileged asshole that gives people false hope or pukes pro-life bullshit.

I wanna help, how can I do that?

I think if you make it clear that in your situation getting better is possible, only mean spirited people will get upset. I'm also black and queer and I've been suicidal since i was 12 ofc my mental illness is not nearly as bad as yours but hearing you improve made me feel better.

I think if u also stick to only the recovery section you'll be good. Most ppl here want hope and want to get better.

 

[Mira Gaga]

Vent/rant incoming, please pardon me.

Call me stupid or idealistic or just overly optimistic, but I have dreams that I wanna achieve. I just wanna be somebody to anybody, if that makes sense (it probably doesn't I'm sorry). Right now, I feel like I'm nobody, but I'm pretty good at my sport and I think I have a good thing going but every setback or disappointment makes me feel like I've wasted my life. I kinda promised myself when I was at my lowest that I had to keep gong for my team, because they need me, but when I don't meet my own expectations, I just ask myself "why are you alive? If you can't win, you die, that's it." I know I sound crazy but I've just always wanted to be a somebody. I wanna be on TV, I wanna be successful, I want to make my haters put their feet in their mouths and worship the ground I stand on. But how do I do that, when I can barely get out of bed and pretend to function like a normal person? Sorry, I'm ranting and all. I try to keep smiling with other people but in SS, I feel like I can rant and vent and I won't be judged. Sorry I just made you read a whole wall of self centered text. I just needed to yap. Thanks to whoever read this thing and thought it made a little sense lol.

 

[whywere]

Never say sorry for writing a vent post ever.

This is why this site is FAMILY, we are ALL in this together, and when someone wants/needs to vent or to feel if they belong, this is why SaSu is here, at least one reason.

I wish for you to have a much better day and rest of this week and I send you lots of warm well wishes and the knowledge that YOU are family here always.

Walter

 

[daleke]

i don't think you will ever be able to save anyone here. if that's a burden or task you feel you have (that you need to make it better), please at least try to be mindful of it. you don't need to be a hero, it's always a comfort to have someone just reply to your post. i liked being acknowledged even if i didn't agree with everyone's takes or if they offered me "false hope."

some people will come in with insights or practical advice, others may just commiserate, everyone is welcome to comment so long as they're respectful, even if it's technically unhelpful. all perspectives, even if yours is on the optimistic side, are good to have.

i enjoyed hearing your story. sometimes it does get better :)

 

[EmptyBottle]

i don't think you will ever be able to save anyone here. if that's a burden or task you feel you have (that you need to make it better), please at least try to be mindful of it. you don't need to be a hero, it's always a comfort to have someone just reply to your post. i liked being acknowledged even if i didn't agree with everyone's takes or if they offered me "false hope."

some people will come in with insights or practical advice, others may just commiserate, everyone is welcome to comment so long as they're respectful, even if it's technically unhelpful. all perspectives, even if yours is on the optimistic side, are good to have.

i enjoyed hearing your story. sometimes it does get better :)

Yep, when entering (some months after reading goodbye threads), I knew that I'm just a user over the web... and can only offer support and try to help. The other user is the one who decides whether to board the one way bus or not; I can only control myself and have varying influence over those who read my posts, just like I'm likely influenced by users here too.

 

[continuing]

being honest is ok, like i find cool that youre at least talking about that.

Suicide for many, myself included is like a color/a taste that other people cant feel, like people get sad, but the actuall thought of killing yourself is something that is untincable for many.

I guess my biggest problem with the whole "pro life" is that is all based on hope, in "it gets better because", suicidal people are hopless, we dont belive it will get better...

I honestly would change the aproach to " it might get better, it might get way worse, you dont know", at leat this says that bad things can also happen.

but in resume, dont feel bad about yourself, and dont feel bad for being happy, if you want to help, just be there and listen to people, it actually helps.