I know I should be over it by now but I'm not. If I wasn't raped and bullied when I was younger I wouldn't be suicidal and depressed and my life wouldn't be ruined academically,socially, financially. While my friends are all out having fun I'm here in my room drinking a can of beer I found with dust on it in the back of the cupboard because I'm not allowed to leave and get alcohol because I'm suicidal and addicted. So I'm so desperate to feel ok I'm drinking it even though I hate the taste of beer and I usually go for vodka.
If I was never raped or bullied I imagine my life would be so different. Maybe I could drink normally with my friends maybe my GCSE's would've been better and I couldnve gotten into a better college course. And been able to get a job without being exploited or judged.
A lot of them don't seem to care. Some of the bullies are still mean to me years later . A few have apologised but ig some people don't change.
I sometimes with I could hurt them the way they could hurt me. I wouldn't but I think about how satisfying it would be to beat them up like they did to me. Ruin their reputation and any self love and happiness they have like they did to me. I don't want them to be suicidal like me but traumatised enough that they hate living yk. That they thing about how I ruined their life.
Maybe I'm fucked up for thinking that way but I hate that their life is so perfect. They are so happy and popular and have jobs and go to college in a good course got straight A's on their GCSES have an easy life. It drives me insane. In year 9-11 I got sent to a special needs school because I was really suicidal and mainstream didn't want to adress the issues. In the Special school I was sort of forgotten about. I could barely call it a school. They didn't teach me anything.
I get so angry at the fact I wasn't taught becuse I didn't even have a chance and getting good grades. I also think about how nice it would be to get back at those teachers they also caused me lots of trauma because they neglected me and let me get hurt by students. Or hurt me themselves because other people were having issues in the same room so they would restrain me instead of them because it's easier.
I daydream about going back there and attacking them. I would never do this. But I just lately have been in such a dark place. I want to die. I'll never be able to get back at those people. They will live a long happy life and I'm gonna be a drug addict and homeless by next year if I'm not dead by then.
If I was never raped or bullied I imagine my life would be so different. Maybe I could drink normally with my friends maybe my GCSE's would've been better and I couldnve gotten into a better college course. And been able to get a job without being exploited or judged.
A lot of them don't seem to care. Some of the bullies are still mean to me years later . A few have apologised but ig some people don't change.
I sometimes with I could hurt them the way they could hurt me. I wouldn't but I think about how satisfying it would be to beat them up like they did to me. Ruin their reputation and any self love and happiness they have like they did to me. I don't want them to be suicidal like me but traumatised enough that they hate living yk. That they thing about how I ruined their life.
Maybe I'm fucked up for thinking that way but I hate that their life is so perfect. They are so happy and popular and have jobs and go to college in a good course got straight A's on their GCSES have an easy life. It drives me insane. In year 9-11 I got sent to a special needs school because I was really suicidal and mainstream didn't want to adress the issues. In the Special school I was sort of forgotten about. I could barely call it a school. They didn't teach me anything.
I get so angry at the fact I wasn't taught becuse I didn't even have a chance and getting good grades. I also think about how nice it would be to get back at those teachers they also caused me lots of trauma because they neglected me and let me get hurt by students. Or hurt me themselves because other people were having issues in the same room so they would restrain me instead of them because it's easier.
I daydream about going back there and attacking them. I would never do this. But I just lately have been in such a dark place. I want to die. I'll never be able to get back at those people. They will live a long happy life and I'm gonna be a drug addict and homeless by next year if I'm not dead by then.
