Venting i want to live

[Hollowillow]

"Kick her cunt" sounds hilarious I should sell tshirts

 

[sadstuffie]

My parents are abusive too & let my suster be homeless. Can you move in with another roomate? I don't have the courage to redo my life again but you sound young. But I see that you're a member since years... So I'd respect your decision... But if you want to live, LIVE! Ignore her, go out as much as possible to avoid her, do activities, meet people... You'll open opportunities? I suck at it though ...

This isn't the ending, just the plot. You can live 100 years. There is still time for her to ruin her new relationship and for you to do a beautiful path of healing & self discovery. Helping others. Finding a kind partner. It can be a temporary set back.

Even people who kill & end up in jail can end up having fun. *Whispers* I'm not pro life.

but how can there be a life without her? ive known her for 5 years & at one point, she was kinda nice to me. I'm afraid of moving out because i have no one , I'll just rot all alone & no one will be able to find me. that's so sad to imagine me dead all alone with no one anymore, but it might happen

 

[Lonerzepam]

I get it
What would make you feel better?

Idk tbh.
I don't know if recovery is even possible anymore. If it is than just partial. And it would take years. Don't think it's worth it tbh. But idk I want to live but not like this. I'm gonna try increase my meds cuz I know they will really help me. Idk I just go day by day I guess. My SN should arrive today. It's good to know I'll always have a way out. In the meantime I could even try to source some N. Although SN N idc tbh death is death. Maybe in 10 years I'll be happy I didn't kms. Or maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be dead. Who knows but I def think I'll ctb at some point of my life. I have more then enough problems don't wanna have more that come with age

 

[Hollowillow]

but how can there be a life without her? ive known her for 5 years & at one point, she was kinda nice to me. I'm afraid of moving out because i have no one , I'll just rot all alone & no one will be able to find me. that's so sad to imagine me dead all alone with no one anymore, but it might happen

5 years is a huge amount of memories to mourn. It hurts. Especially since you sound young, did you start dating at 15? It feels like all your life... But it's not the end if life itself. You can finally get out if her shadow and live your own life. Living alone is sad but freeing. You sound social, you can rent a room with other people. Strangers can become friends.

 

[sadstuffie]

5 years is a huge amount of memories to mourn. It hurts. Especially since you sound young, did you start dating at 15? It feels like all your life... But it's not the end if life itself. You can finally get out if her shadow and live your own life. Living alone is sad but freeing. You sound social, you can rent a room with other people. Strangers can become friends.

we started dating when i was 18. I love being around other people, but she isolated me completely. im afraid if i lived with friends, they would see how sad & suicidal i am.

 

[Hollowillow]

Idk tbh.
I don't know if recovery is even possible anymore. If it is than just partial. And it would take years. Don't think it's worth it tbh. But idk I want to live but not like this. I'm gonna try increase my meds cuz I know they will really help me. Idk I just go day by day I guess. My SN should arrive today. It's good to know I'll always have a way out. In the meantime I could even try to source some N. Although SN N idc tbh death is death. Maybe in 10 years I'll be happy I didn't kms. Or maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be dead. Who knows but I def think I'll ctb at some point of my life. I have more then enough problems don't wanna have more that come with age

If your only hope for joy is increasing drugs..... I feel for you... I understand wanting out if you want nothing else... If you can't find more to enjoy .. I hope that you'll get your one desire.

Someoned used a nice hug smiley but I can't find it? Then I'll use Shadow hug smiley. For people in pitch black despair who still want to hug? Maybe it's a murder, who knows? It's dark. Win win.

 

[Pluto]

Find yourself?

Yes, the main result of any sort of narcissistic abuse is a loss of self. We buy into narratives that are convenient for abusers and become completely disoriented in the process.

 

[Hollowillow]

we started dating when i was 18. I love being around other people, but she isolated me completely. im afraid if i lived with friends, they would see how sad & suicidal i am.

Oh god typical manipulation techniques. Someone insecure who need a captive can't have a happy ending. She'll always be miserable inside, doubting that she can be loved, greedy because her heart is a black hole, selfish... You could give her the world and all she'll see is crap.

I'm sorry that she brainwashed you, it's really hard to undo. Stay single and do srlf discovery & self love until you're strong enough not to fall for the worm on a hook. Broken people atteacks more narcs like trained dogs... Become free! Like a wolf! Find who you are.

For now you MUST move out. Being judged by friends and strangers will be a speck of dust compared to the mountain of shit of staying with someone who makes you wish you were dead.

You can even ask a friend for a sleepover saying that your ex makes you regret being alive & you need to have a break. You'll find if you have a real friend. Flee. Just flee her. Go no contact. Don't live with her, no need to die, just flee. Was she paying all the rent being dependent on her? If you can pay rent with strangers go for it. There is social services for abused women, they get help to sleep elsewhere. Can you find a shelter? They'll understand hopefully.

Yes, the main result of any sort of narcissistic abuse is a loss of self. We buy into narratives that are convenient for abusers and become completely disoriented in the process.

Having a devoted personality makes it easier for narcs. I confused devotion with love... Love is 2 accomplished people shating a path. Not one person being used as a donkey. It seems useful and kind, but it's slavery.

 

[Lullaby]

but how can there be a life without her? ive known her for 5 years & at one point, she was kinda nice to me. I'm afraid of moving out because i have no one , I'll just rot all alone & no one will be able to find me. that's so sad to imagine me dead all alone with no one anymore, but it might happen

5 years is pretty long, but you honestly deserve better than someone who physically and emotionally abuses you.

She's a really toxic person and that's not going to stop no matter who she's with. It'll backfire at some point. Plus, anyone who has to resort to doing that to other people is a really miserable person deep down.

I knew an ex on and off for almost 10 years. We met when I was really young; I was 16 and he was 22. He manipulated me a lot and took advantage of the fact that I was really young. I stopped talking to him when I was 19. He ended up getting a new girlfriend and would invite her to the same places as me, but he would lie about who she was. He threw me away for this other person and it really her

We ran into each other a few years ago and he admitted everything. It turns out that same woman was just as toxic as he was. He ended up meeting his match.


So I get how you feel. At times, he also made me feel really horrible about my personality and would always complain about how shy I was. He would try and force me to drink to open up more so that I could talk to his friends.

Even though we don't talk anymore, I'm still healing from it all. Despite how I feel about myself, I know I deserve better than to be treated like that, and so do you.

 

[sadstuffie]

Oh god typical manipulation techniques. Someone insecure who need a captive can't have a happy ending. She'll always be miserable inside, doubting that she can be loved, greedy because her heart is a black hole, selfish... You could give her the world and all she'll see is crap.

I'm sorry that she brainwashed you, it's really hard to undo. Stay single and do srlf discovery & self love until you're strong enough not to fall for the worm on a hook. Broken people atteacks more narcs like trained dogs... Become free! Like a wolf! Find who you are.

For now you MUST move out. Being judged by friends and strangers will be a speck of dust compared to the mountain of shit of staying with someone who makes you wish you were dead.

You can even ask a friend for a sleepover saying that your ex makes you regret being alive & you need to have a break. You'll find if you have a real friend. Flee. Just flee her. Go no contact. Don't live with her, no need to die, just flee. Was she paying all the rent being dependent on her? If you can pay rent with strangers go for it. There is social services for abused women, they get help to sleep elsewhere. Can you find a shelter? They'll understand hopefully.

she pays for it. she even tried to say she was gonna go live with her new person (they've been together for 2 months) & i could "have" this apartment & she would still pay, but that makes me really uncomfortable because idk does it make sense?? like i don't want her to lowkey control me like that while she is with someone else the whole time. when im alone too much, i get really really bad. i don't even know how to get my own place or move out. i can't leave unless im dead & everyone will be happy

5 years is pretty long, but you honestly deserve better than someone who physically and emotionally abuses you.

She's a really toxic person and that's not going to stop no matter who she's with. It'll backfire at some point. Plus, anyone who has to resort to doing that to other people is a really miserable person deep down.

I knew an ex on and off for almost 10 years. We met when I was really young; I was 16 and he was 22. He manipulated me a lot and took advantage of the fact that I was really young. I stopped talking to him when I was 19. He ended up getting a new girlfriend and would invite her to the same places as me, but he would lie about who she was. He threw me away for this other person and it really her

We ran into each other a few years ago and he admitted everything. It turns out that same woman was just as toxic as he was. He ended up meeting his match.


So I get how you feel. At times, he also made me feel really horrible about my personality and would always complain about how shy I was. He would try and force me to drink to open up more so that I could talk to his friends.

Even though we don't talk anymore, I'm still healing from it all. Despite how I feel about myself, I know I deserve better than to be treated like that, and so do you.

omg, she & her friends always tried to pressure me to drink years ago when we had ome of our first falling outs. her friends didn't like me because i have a lot of mental issues & i didn't like drinking or being around people that drink. my mom was an alcoholic so, i just don't drink unless i really wanna trigger myself

5 years is pretty long, but you honestly deserve better than someone who physically and emotionally abuses you.

She's a really toxic person and that's not going to stop no matter who she's with. It'll backfire at some point. Plus, anyone who has to resort to doing that to other people is a really miserable person deep down.

I knew an ex on and off for almost 10 years. We met when I was really young; I was 16 and he was 22. He manipulated me a lot and took advantage of the fact that I was really young. I stopped talking to him when I was 19. He ended up getting a new girlfriend and would invite her to the same places as me, but he would lie about who she was. He threw me away for this other person and it really her

We ran into each other a few years ago and he admitted everything. It turns out that same woman was just as toxic as he was. He ended up meeting his match.


So I get how you feel. At times, he also made me feel really horrible about my personality and would always complain about how shy I was. He would try and force me to drink to open up more so that I could talk to his friends.

Even though we don't talk anymore, I'm still healing from it all. Despite how I feel about myself, I know I deserve better than to be treated like that, and so do you.

omg, she & her friends always tried to pressure me to drink years ago when we had ome of our first falling outs. her friends didn't like me because i have a lot of mental issues & i didn't like drinking or being around people that drink. my mom was an alcoholic so, i just don't drink unless i really wanna trigger myself

 

[home]

I get it, comparing your reasons, thinking youre not good enough. We all come from different walks of life. Some of us are sick, some of us depressed, some of us are out of money, and some of us are just out of luck. I think its good to remember that someone will always have it worse than you, no matter the situation. Someone will always beat you in the pain olympics, but that doesnt mean you arent sufferring too. And if that suffering leads you here then its certainly pretty bad. It's said that no one truly wants to die, they just can't keep living the way they are. I think that makes sense.

That being said, if you believe that there is any hope left for you. If there is any part of you that still fights for you to live, I suggest that you step away from this site a bit. Or at the very least this board. If you need advice for living then I suggest the recovery board. If you need advice for dying, then youre in the right place.

 

[thebunny]

i feel and understand what you're going through. please don't feel bad for sharing things, we're all human here. no one gets to decide what you should or shouldn't be or have/n't done. i'm sorry that life is so unfair towards you and that you had an abusive ex. you deserve someone better, though i know that it's hard to look for someone else right now because you're used to that person and it's all you've ever known—i get it all too well. i hope that things will get better for you and that you find peace within yourself soon. sending you lots of hugs

 

[Hollowillow]

she pays for it. she even tried to say she was gonna go live with her new person (they've been together for 2 months) & i could "have" this apartment & she would still pay, but that makes me really uncomfortable because idk does it make sense?? like i don't want her to lowkey control me like that while she is with someone else the whole time. when im alone too much, i get really really bad. i don't even know how to get my own place or move out. i can't leave unless im dead & everyone will be happy

omg, she & her friends always tried to pressure me to drink years ago when we had ome of our first falling outs. her friends didn't like me because i have a lot of mental issues & i didn't like drinking or being around people that drink. my mom was an alcoholic so, i just don't drink unless i really wanna trigger myself

omg, she & her friends always tried to pressure me to drink years ago when we had ome of our first falling outs. her friends didn't like me because i have a lot of mental issues & i didn't like drinking or being around people that drink. my mom was an alcoholic so, i just don't drink unless i really wanna trigger myself

It might not be to control you, if your name isn't on the lease, she could have kicked you homeless & brought her new lover in. Going to sleep at her lover instead to torture you fucking loudly in the kitchen, starting while you eat, would be a more cruel thing to do.

If I remember correctly she hit you and that makes it horribly wrong... But it's possible that she lived you and want to care for you... But the relationship isn't working out for her as a partner. Maybe she grew apart, finding new passions, needing a different type of partner. We can be compatible but then grow into different people who aren't compatible anymore.

There is a small possibility that this is a "normal" breakup... But you were so dependent that it's like losing who you are and dying. And please forgive me for saying this... But maybe she broke up because you were too dependent, I'm guilty of this due to trauma. I stay single to try to figure out how to ve my own person.

Perhaps this death, this mourning, is an opportunity for rebirth, for birth... Maybe she had such a strong dominant personality that it left you no room for personal growth, just going along without questionning if YOU liked it. Perhaps it's not the time for death feeling unloved... But a time to bring your potential and personality to life, to learn who you are, to learn to love yourself and care for yourself. You can learn.

I get a rebirth around every 6 years. Changing who I am. Most of the time my mistake blowing in my face and needing to evolve. Like stopping to be a workaholic anorexic & resting all day while searching about nutrition effects on the body and mood.

Yes, who you were must die. A mere shadow of someone else... But your body doesn't have to die to be reborn. Like a baby we make small steps, exploring, we fall, we get back up. We learn along the way.

You can take time to figure out where you wish to live, do, become.

But if you feel too exhausted, I am too, I understand. But don'y die to make the world happy. Die for yourself. For your own relief. You can do it any time. Why not explore methods, hobbies, dating, room for rent, jobs, studies... Or just a nice park. It's your life, live it for you, throw it away for you. If you find someone nice to walk together it's great... But it can be tiresome to drag a shadow. So don't forget to stay your own person, don't forget who you are, discover it. I failed. Miserably. But you still have a free choice. I don't think you're doomed like my broken body... Someone loved you for 5 years! The longer I had was 6 month, usually a week! You're lovable. A story is over, but a new journey can begin. Life? Death? You choose.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is such a cruel existence that brings people to this point and It's sad how so much suffering exists in this world. I wish you relief from what you are going through, I'm sorry that you are trapped in this situation.

 

[chica problemática]

No es justo.
todas estas cosas terribles me sucedieron de repente. Tengo miedo de que me juzguen si digo lo que pasó. Sé que estoy siendo estúpido.
mi problema es que realmente amo tantas cosas de la vida, pero ya no puedo más. Ojalá pudiera morir y ser como un espectador para poder ver crecer a los que amo.
Necesito morir antes de Halloween a pesar de que son mis vacaciones favoritas... mi ex abusivo me lo arruinó porque sé que estará con su nueva chica en mi lugar. eso suena tonto, pero de repente me dijo y ahora no quiero vivir en un mundo donde mi abusador sea feliz y tenga todo lo que quiero.
chicos, estoy asustado. Todo lo que siempre quise fue divertirme y ayudar a los demás.
quiero que todo esto pare por favor ayuda

Hola, entiendo todo lo que estas pasando, es duro, lo sé. Pero eso no quiere decir que no le puedas hacer frente a esa situación, sos más fuerte de lo que crees o imaginas. También estoy pasando por algo similar y dudo entre la vida y la muerte, pero acá sigo aguantando cualquier adversidad. Tenes que tener fe en que todo va a cambiar, esto no va hacer así para siempre, es una etapa que va a pasar tarde o temprano, espero que puedas sentirte mejor.

 

[Hope:-)]

We all want to live. I want to die because i can't live like this, thats all.

I want to die to live.

^^^ This 100% for me.

I'm sorry for your situation OP. Life just suddenly fell on top of me too xx

 

[sadstuffie]

she's trying to get me to go to the hospital now. idk what to do. i don't think the hospital will help at all

 

[brokensea]

It's so traumatizing to go through a break up with someone abusive.

They destroy your self esteem. Your self worth then just abandon you.

How you're feeling is normal. Please try not to take what happened in as any defect in you. People choose to do that because they are entitled and selfish. They will end up abusing all of their partners and it is no reflection on you. How lovable or how awesome you are.

Please try to write down some ways to exit the situation if there is anything you can do.

Abusive people erode your personality so you have to work so hard for simple scraps of love or non abuse and you feel like a failure when you're being manipulated.

It may be hard to imagine now but you could find yourself in a much better relationship with a non abusive person later in your life. Someone you connect with. Talking with a counselor in this situation can help as well. They have programs if you can't afford it.

It sounds like you don't want to die you have just been hurt and crushed by this person and feel thrown away and you're feeling like you're the problem when nothing could be further from the truth.

It is hard to see out of this fog and the emotions you feel but if you want to live life doesn't have to end here.

I know people who were in abusive relationships and went onto find healthy partners they are happy with. You do not want to be with an abusive person and anyone who treats someone that way has no concept of real happiness and their partners are only victims or will become victims soon. Certainly a life not worth envying. They will bring misfortune on themselves eventually. No matter how they try to rub some pretend happiness in your face to hurt you.

Just take some time to think if you had another relationship, had no feelings about the abuser anymore would you be happy? Would you want to live? It's not easy to get there and it may take years but it is an option to at least try for if you do enjoy life and don't truly want to die.

 

[sadstuffie]

It's so traumatizing to go through a break up with someone abusive.

They destroy your self esteem. Your self worth then just abandon you.

How you're feeling is normal. Please try not to take what happened in as any defect in you. People choose to do that because they are entitled and selfish. They will end up abusing all of their partners and it is no reflection on you. How lovable or how awesome you are.

Please try to write down some ways to exit the situation if there is anything you can do.

Abusive people erode your personality so you have to work so hard for simple scraps of love or non abuse and you feel like a failure when you're being manipulated.

It may be hard to imagine now but you could find yourself in a much better relationship with a non abusive person later in your life. Someone you connect with. Talking with a counselor in this situation can help as well. They have programs if you can't afford it.

It sounds like you don't want to die you have just been hurt and crushed by this person and feel thrown away and you're feeling like you're the problem when nothing could be further from the truth.

It is hard to see out of this fog and the emotions you feel but if you want to live life doesn't have to end here.

I know people who were in abusive relationships and went onto find healthy partners they are happy with. You do not want to be with an abusive person and anyone who treats someone that way has no concept of real happiness and their partners are only victims or will become victims soon. Certainly a life not worth envying. They will bring misfortune on themselves eventually. No matter how they try to rub some pretend happiness in your face to hurt you.

Just take some time to think if you had another relationship, had no feelings about the abuser anymore would you be happy? Would you want to live? It's not easy to get there and it may take years but it is an option to at least try for if you do enjoy life and don't truly want to die.

thank you for your kindness. idk if i could be happy though if i was all alone every single day for the rest of my life. i mean, i like life, but i also would be ok with dying. sometimes i wish i had to be taken care of by someone so i always have somebody there.

 

[brokensea]

thank you for your kindness. idk if i could be happy though if i was all alone every single day for the rest of my life. i mean, i like life, but i also would be ok with dying. sometimes i wish i had to be taken care of by someone so i always have somebody there.

Well I hope that you find someone to take care of you someday who is nice to you. It's what you deserve.

 

[allblackallwhite]

If you want to live, you still have hope in your life.

That's not true. I want to live too but this isn't life. It's a nightmare.

 

[nothingchanges]

I'm so sorry op. I want to live too. It breaks my heart how many people have such pure intentions but are bound to suffer. I always felt the same way. I've never wished ill on anyone in my life. Always tried to help and include everyone I could, to a fault. Just wanted to have fun. And yet here we are going through our own personal hells.

 

[thx1138]

So sorry about what you're going through.... :( It sounds like a very bad situation.

You sound like a very nice and sweet person, and you say that you want to live. Please try to hang on, even if you live day by day, second by second if necessary, you got this!

One thing really gets to me: your shitty stupid ex doesn't deserve to have so much power over you. She does some nasty thing, and it makes you suffer so much? Who does she think she is? Think of it this way, you shouldn't let someone so horrible take your one and only life away. If you CTB, at least do it for yourself, not some stupid idiot who doesn't care about you. They don't deserve it. They don't deserve to have so much control over your brain.
*Hugs*

 

[sadstuffie]

So sorry about what you're going through.... :( It sounds like a very bad situation.

You sound like a very nice and sweet person, and you say that you want to live. Please try to hang on, even if you live day by day, second by second if necessary, you got this!

One thing really gets to me: your shitty stupid ex doesn't deserve to have so much power over you. She does some nasty thing, and it makes you suffer so much? Who does she think she is? Think of it this way, you shouldn't let someone so horrible take your one and only life away. If you CTB, at least do it for yourself, not some stupid idiot who doesn't care about you. They don't deserve it. They don't deserve to have so much control over your brain.
*Hugs*

You're right, i should do this for myself. i really think i don't deserve to keep feeling this pain everyday. it's gotten to the point i can't even clean the apartment & she certainly doesn't help because she never wants to be here anymore. i should do this so i can finally be happy.

 

[hatehypocrisy]

Your story sounds a little better than mine.