Cried pretty badly while taking a bath. Since I am taking medication crying is very numbed. And for that I cried pretty long and loud - noone noticed it though.
I have many thoughts in mind. I wish I could slowly poison myself to assure a quicker death. Sadly though due to bullying for being very obese I am very skinny and my blood tests are perfect. No smoking, no alcohol, no drugs I might live more than 70 years if I won't ctb earlier. I am pretty sure I will kill myself way earlier.
Obesity is no method to die earlier for me. I take antipsychotics statistially you die way younger when taking them. But maybe this is only connected to the usual weight gain. (which I don't have)
I would like to play russian roulette not with my healthy but with my life. I don't live in a country with gun access. And it would not be my preferred method anyway. But I wish the following was possible. Imagine you had 1000 capsules. Most of them contain nothing lethal but 1 or 2 are filled with N. Sadly it would not taste the same etc. you might notice it. But I wish I could take every day one capsule and catch death with a surprise. Actually I think this would be a very good method to die for me. There was this uncertainy. Some thrill. It would be perfect.
Another topic I want to talk about. I have met two people in my self-help group who also admitted they think suicide is unavoidable. I ask myself in which stage I am in comparison with them. The dad in my bipolar group almost died a couple of time during his attempts. When I looked in his eyes there was no hope. I did some research on him and on the internet you can find so many pictures of him smiling and laughing. Honestly I kind of get the feeling he likes being ironic in this instance. He is a calm dude and never showed suicidality in front of others. Theoretically I might kill myself prior to him. Though I am quite sure from the mindset he is more deep into it. I still have some naive hope. I fight for an escape. I think he is even more deadset because for me financials and love are my main reasons. Which theoretically could be solvable by miracles. For him he has a family and money and still wants to die. At the same if I relapse I also want to kill myself so love and money would not protect me. He looked death deep into its eyes and I think he is determined to go through with it. It would be cool if we had again a one o one conversation but that might never happen. I have his phone number but it could become very awkward so I will never contact him.
Personally I never did an attempt. But my motto is I don't want to survive one. If I do it I want to succeed. I am pretty scared of surviving. I could imagine an attempt could be pretty frightening. I only want one. Some years ago after my last major breakdown I tried partial (my head almost exploded and I stopped early - gladly way too dangerous method for me). Then I stood at a balcony of a 7th floor building. Looked down for a long time. I did not want to jump I still had some hope. Moreover 7th is not safe enough. I could imagine jumping as method (more than train) but it should be at least 10-12 floors and at the road was a young teenager and I thought I certainly cannot traumatize that boy. It was pretty hot that day. And there was a crowd I already imagined them to call 911, start re-breathing me etc.
I recently met in my new self-help group another person that says he thinks it will be suicide. He already did attempts but with random OD which basically did nothing. When I elaborated on partial hanging (which is called in German atypical hanging) he was kind of stunned. And had to laugh in pain. It sounded like why why me. The world is so unfair. I can relate to that. I also have similar thoughts. But detailed methods explanation does not invoke that for me anymore. I am pretty analytical when I talk about my suicide. Sometimes it still touches me. But I try to become desensitized which is sort of successful. When I explained my experiences to him I was like yeah that is my life. This is what I am thining about every single day. I have the feeling I am closer to doing it than him. In the end this is no competition. I don't want that it sounds like that. It would be better for me not having to do it but well I suffer every single day.
I am pretty determined to do it. There are some scenarios if they happen I have to do it asap. And they could happen every single day. It is not that likely. But the more time passes the more likely it becomes. I try to be prepared but I don't really know what that means. I live my life as if death could happen soon. But I still think pretty longterm and hope for the best. I rather imagine which thoughts could comfort me in my last moments on earth. I think the fear will never leave. But the rational reasons for going on like that vanish more and more. There is just no hope. If I relapse I will go through insane pain. And really there is no rational reason for enduring that once more.
I am pretty happy that I found this forum and SN. I think the fear to survive and end up as a vegetable was the thing that scared me the most. I am not even that scared about pain when it does not last long. It will be an existential moment. I am checking sellers regularly and it alleviates my anxiety a little bit. The knowledge there is an escape comforts me.
I am pretty depressed and suicidal because always when I approach a woman I become psychotic and ruin it. I am not sure how often that happened. Way too often for sure. Poverty, longliness, deterioration. This is a game I cannot win. I wrote everything probably one thousand times already. I wish something could kill me. To do it with my own hands will need a lot of pain. But I wlll experience that some day. There is no escape.
I have many thoughts in mind. I wish I could slowly poison myself to assure a quicker death. Sadly though due to bullying for being very obese I am very skinny and my blood tests are perfect. No smoking, no alcohol, no drugs I might live more than 70 years if I won't ctb earlier. I am pretty sure I will kill myself way earlier.
Obesity is no method to die earlier for me. I take antipsychotics statistially you die way younger when taking them. But maybe this is only connected to the usual weight gain. (which I don't have)
I would like to play russian roulette not with my healthy but with my life. I don't live in a country with gun access. And it would not be my preferred method anyway. But I wish the following was possible. Imagine you had 1000 capsules. Most of them contain nothing lethal but 1 or 2 are filled with N. Sadly it would not taste the same etc. you might notice it. But I wish I could take every day one capsule and catch death with a surprise. Actually I think this would be a very good method to die for me. There was this uncertainy. Some thrill. It would be perfect.
Another topic I want to talk about. I have met two people in my self-help group who also admitted they think suicide is unavoidable. I ask myself in which stage I am in comparison with them. The dad in my bipolar group almost died a couple of time during his attempts. When I looked in his eyes there was no hope. I did some research on him and on the internet you can find so many pictures of him smiling and laughing. Honestly I kind of get the feeling he likes being ironic in this instance. He is a calm dude and never showed suicidality in front of others. Theoretically I might kill myself prior to him. Though I am quite sure from the mindset he is more deep into it. I still have some naive hope. I fight for an escape. I think he is even more deadset because for me financials and love are my main reasons. Which theoretically could be solvable by miracles. For him he has a family and money and still wants to die. At the same if I relapse I also want to kill myself so love and money would not protect me. He looked death deep into its eyes and I think he is determined to go through with it. It would be cool if we had again a one o one conversation but that might never happen. I have his phone number but it could become very awkward so I will never contact him.
Personally I never did an attempt. But my motto is I don't want to survive one. If I do it I want to succeed. I am pretty scared of surviving. I could imagine an attempt could be pretty frightening. I only want one. Some years ago after my last major breakdown I tried partial (my head almost exploded and I stopped early - gladly way too dangerous method for me). Then I stood at a balcony of a 7th floor building. Looked down for a long time. I did not want to jump I still had some hope. Moreover 7th is not safe enough. I could imagine jumping as method (more than train) but it should be at least 10-12 floors and at the road was a young teenager and I thought I certainly cannot traumatize that boy. It was pretty hot that day. And there was a crowd I already imagined them to call 911, start re-breathing me etc.
I recently met in my new self-help group another person that says he thinks it will be suicide. He already did attempts but with random OD which basically did nothing. When I elaborated on partial hanging (which is called in German atypical hanging) he was kind of stunned. And had to laugh in pain. It sounded like why why me. The world is so unfair. I can relate to that. I also have similar thoughts. But detailed methods explanation does not invoke that for me anymore. I am pretty analytical when I talk about my suicide. Sometimes it still touches me. But I try to become desensitized which is sort of successful. When I explained my experiences to him I was like yeah that is my life. This is what I am thining about every single day. I have the feeling I am closer to doing it than him. In the end this is no competition. I don't want that it sounds like that. It would be better for me not having to do it but well I suffer every single day.
I am pretty determined to do it. There are some scenarios if they happen I have to do it asap. And they could happen every single day. It is not that likely. But the more time passes the more likely it becomes. I try to be prepared but I don't really know what that means. I live my life as if death could happen soon. But I still think pretty longterm and hope for the best. I rather imagine which thoughts could comfort me in my last moments on earth. I think the fear will never leave. But the rational reasons for going on like that vanish more and more. There is just no hope. If I relapse I will go through insane pain. And really there is no rational reason for enduring that once more.
I am pretty happy that I found this forum and SN. I think the fear to survive and end up as a vegetable was the thing that scared me the most. I am not even that scared about pain when it does not last long. It will be an existential moment. I am checking sellers regularly and it alleviates my anxiety a little bit. The knowledge there is an escape comforts me.
I am pretty depressed and suicidal because always when I approach a woman I become psychotic and ruin it. I am not sure how often that happened. Way too often for sure. Poverty, longliness, deterioration. This is a game I cannot win. I wrote everything probably one thousand times already. I wish something could kill me. To do it with my own hands will need a lot of pain. But I wlll experience that some day. There is no escape.
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