I want to end my life, but i have small kids

[bittersweetmatcha]

I'm a woman, 33 years old, been married for 8 years. I have 2 sons, from 4 pregnancies. My first son is 7 years old, and my second son is 1.5 years old. I had 2 miscarriage on my 2nd and 3rd pregnancy.

Those miscarriage was a hard time for me, but my husband understood how hard it was for me and always be there for me.

Then come the moment where we decided to try to conceive for the last time. And we made it. But the pregnancy was so hard, I was nauseous for 24/7, barely eat, i puke a lot, the doctor said i should be hospitalized but i couldnt because my first son needed me.

We prayed everyday so we could get through this, we even called our baby "the little fighter" because he made it even though I almost got miscarriage again.

But everything was changed when the baby born. Around 4 months after the baby born, my husband always came home late. He barely communicate with me and kind of harsh with our first son. He nagged a lot to me about my spending for our son, he nagged about our sons behaviour, some times he didnt come home. He was busy with his car communities (he was a car enthusiast from he was a child).

It turned out that he slept with dozens of woman when i was busy and struggling raising both of our sons. I just found that out 2 months ago, it hit me hard.. until today. I was thinking to end my life but I couldn't because my children are still so small… i was depressed, i do self harm repeatedly when i'm so down and sad.. idk what should i do now..

My husband knew that I had a depression history and infidelity of my parents was the trigger. But he couldnt resist the temptation of the lifestyle that all of his friends did. Sleeping with bunch of cheap and easy girls behind their wives.

He said sorry and he said he want to fix everything out. But i dont know.. i still love him but it hurts so much that i want to die.. help me?

 

[kvsvenky100]

Yeah, I generally feel everyone should have the right to CTB, but parents shouldn't. You are responsible for your children's welfare, so you should stick around for them. Have you tried therapy etc?

 

[carac]

What other support networks do you have? Friends? Family? any groups you can join for people under certain circumstances, you can't do this alone if you choose to live.

I don't really do relationship advice, It sounds like you really love this man but he sounds like a complete wrongun to me.

 

[whereismymind?]

I'm a woman, 33 years old, been married for 8 years. I have 2 sons, from 4 pregnancies. My first son is 7 years old, and my second son is 1.5 years old. I had 2 miscarriage on my 2nd and 3rd pregnancy.

Those miscarriage was a hard time for me, but my husband understood how hard it was for me and always be there for me.

Then come the moment where we decided to try to conceive for the last time. And we made it. But the pregnancy was so hard, I was nauseous for 24/7, barely eat, i puke a lot, the doctor said i should be hospitalized but i couldnt because my first son needed me.

We prayed everyday so we could get through this, we even called our baby "the little fighter" because he made it even though I almost got miscarriage again.

But everything was changed when the baby born. Around 4 months after the baby born, my husband always came home late. He barely communicate with me and kind of harsh with our first son. He nagged a lot to me about my spending for our son, he nagged about our sons behaviour, some times he didnt come home. He was busy with his car communities (he was a car enthusiast from he was a child).

It turned out that he slept with dozens of woman when i was busy and struggling raising both of our sons. I just found that out 2 months ago, it hit me hard.. until today. I was thinking to end my life but I couldn't because my children are still so small… i was depressed, i do self harm repeatedly when i'm so down and sad.. idk what should i do now..

My husband knew that I had a depression history and infidelity of my parents was the trigger. But he couldnt resist the temptation of the lifestyle that all of his friends did. Sleeping with bunch of cheap and easy girls behind their wives.

He said sorry and he said he want to fix everything out. But i dont know.. i still love him but it hurts so much that i want to die.. help me?

What he did is apsolutely terrible and unacceptable. I know how it feels when you love the one who hurt you the most, but through time+therapy+working on yourself IT DOES get better. It still hurts, but it does get better.
My mom tried to commit suicide when I was very young, my dad as well. I can't stress enough how much damage it would do to me if they succeded. Despite how hard it is, your children need their mom. They need care, guidance and love only mother is able to give to them.

Please take care

 

[certified_idiot]

Your situation sounds really hard and it's horrible that you're going through this. However, you made a commitment when you chose to have children. You have to stay alive and live for them. I hope your situation gets better.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

Your situation sounds similar to mine except my husband doesn't cheat and I have 2 teenagers and a 8 year old. The reason I want to CTB is because of regret, past trauma, and feelings of emptiness and being dead inside. Like another commenter stated, it sounds like you still love him and I'm not sure how to respond to that.

 

[nozomu]

I would divorce your husband and turn to others for support. He does not deserve the chance. Is he the main reason you want to CTB?

If so, drop him and never look back

 

[penguinl0v3s]

What your husband did was totally wrong and I'm sorry that happened to you. I don't think it's a good idea to ctb at the moment, you would probably be passing on a lot of suffering to your children and it would be something that they would have to deal with for a lifetime.

As generic as this is to say, emotional pain from relationships is the strongest there is, but it's also the pain that goes away the fastest. Perhaps evaluate your decision a year down the line, see how you feel, and try to move on from there. Also, a lot of the time cheating makes the relationship irreparable, so you could consider if it would be best to have some time away and see how you feel from there. I get that the situation is not ideal, but it is better than ctb given how it would displace the lives of your children if you did, unless you were able to arrange something around that.

 

[Kit1]

I am so sorry that the father of your children have cheated on you and been abusive towards you and your eldest child. Totally unacceptable and heartbreaking considering he knew that you were vulnerable and he cheated on the mother of his children - the person who lived through pain four times to give birth to two babies. This is a form of marital abuse - especially his behaviour during this time. You deserve better. Lots of people atay in abusive relationships confusing love with security or emotional feelings. But Ince trust has been betrayed and broken, it is difficult to put that trust back together.

I feel for you as you are in pain. As a mother of two children, I am on this planet for they need their mother. We don't really have much of a choice as our children are our responsibility - they heard our voices first, grew up.in our wombs and expeirenced various senses of this world even whilst we were carrying them, saw is as our protectors and trust intrinsically. We have a duty of care to love them, protect them, be their mentors and friends and look after them. To give them the resilience to survive and thrive in this world. Our responsibility is absolutely huge and for that it is better to walk away from negative situations and set up home where we can be ourselves and feel like it is a home built of trust and love. It will mean reaching out to others and starting a new home (alone even).

Whilst typing this, I feel like I am being harsh, decisive and feel like I am commiting a crime judging your life and intruding into your space and I am sorry for that. My life was destroyed totally because my parents messed up. Your children cannot speak up for themselves and I feel like I am speaking up for them (from the angle of a child who had no one to protect her), but trying ro reach out to you as a mother to say that we/you can do this. Happy to chat - if you would like to do that. There is also lots of support available for mothers with children.

Wishing you all the best and send you lots of hugs and good luck. Take care.

 

[coolbreeze56]

I know things are hard but you really shouldn't ctb. Your main problem is your husband, and it sounds like if you had a more supporting one who was there for you, the thoughts of ctb wouldn't even cross your mind. You can still find a new husband(I Know not easy with 2 kids) but its possible.

 

[LetMeBeSad]

I'm a woman, 33 years old, been married for 8 years. I have 2 sons, from 4 pregnancies. My first son is 7 years old, and my second son is 1.5 years old. I had 2 miscarriage on my 2nd and 3rd pregnancy.

Those miscarriage was a hard time for me, but my husband understood how hard it was for me and always be there for me.

Then come the moment where we decided to try to conceive for the last time. And we made it. But the pregnancy was so hard, I was nauseous for 24/7, barely eat, i puke a lot, the doctor said i should be hospitalized but i couldnt because my first son needed me.

We prayed everyday so we could get through this, we even called our baby "the little fighter" because he made it even though I almost got miscarriage again.

But everything was changed when the baby born. Around 4 months after the baby born, my husband always came home late. He barely communicate with me and kind of harsh with our first son. He nagged a lot to me about my spending for our son, he nagged about our sons behaviour, some times he didnt come home. He was busy with his car communities (he was a car enthusiast from he was a child).

It turned out that he slept with dozens of woman when i was busy and struggling raising both of our sons. I just found that out 2 months ago, it hit me hard.. until today. I was thinking to end my life but I couldn't because my children are still so small… i was depressed, i do self harm repeatedly when i'm so down and sad.. idk what should i do now..

My husband knew that I had a depression history and infidelity of my parents was the trigger. But he couldnt resist the temptation of the lifestyle that all of his friends did. Sleeping with bunch of cheap and easy girls behind their wives.

He said sorry and he said he want to fix everything out. But i dont know.. i still love him but it hurts so much that i want to die.. help me?

That sucks. I'm sorry. I don't think you should end you because the children would be left with this horrible excuse for a man.

But, you don't have to stick it out with him specifically. Divorce is a thing. My wife cheated on me once and even after 2 years of trying to reconcile, it isn't working. So we're done. You might be surprised how relieving it is to be rid of that problem in your life.

 

[catsrprettycuteman]

stay alive for your kids please, don't leave them with that excuse of man.

 

[bittersweetmatcha]

To everyone who replied to my post… I just had my cutter knife and alcohol, was ready to harm my self, but reading all of your replies makes me cry like a baby..

thank you so much for the care, for sharing your story, for the support, your opinion and your kindness. Merry christmas to all of you, i'm grateful to be here in this community where sharing depression thoughts wouldn't sound stupid or dumb.. :)

Still fighting with my thoughts everyday, cant even eat properly. I always feel like i want to puke everytime i'm so stressed out, but nothing come out. Talk to my friends but i didn't feel any better.. its like they didn't get it.. i feel so lonely like no one around me will ever understand my thoughts, what i feel, how hurt it was that it kills me everyday..

 

[until death]

Your kids need you

 

[blackwidow]

I'm glad your not going to Kill Yourself because of your shitty husband... Absolutely no way is he worth your life.. You have 2 little children.. You would devastate them.. Rise above it dear stranger.. Your too good for him... Hugs to you xx

 

[TheShadowKing]

You need to see a therapist not be on this site I'm so sorry you have to go through this but you have to stay strong and live it wouldn't be fair to your children to grow up without their mother cause their dad is a piece of shit hope things get better for you

 

[bittersweetmatcha]

thank you all for your advise, thank you for the warm hugs.. i'm planning to see a therapist as your advised, next week. Happy new year everyone, hope this year we all can be healed.. and happy :') God bless you all

 

[albert_camus]

Listen. What he did is horrible and you and your kids deserve someone better. Someone who respects the mother of his kids.
Everyone here supports you.
BUT please don't kill yourself. Your boys need you & they love you. And think about their fucked up father. For real, they deserve at least one parent who isn't an asshole and alive.
Sometimes we have to keep going for someone else, even if we are barely able to. Maybe one day you are able to keep going for yourself (still including your kids) again.
I wish you the best and only the best.

 

[Uk2023]

I'm a woman, 33 years old, been married for 8 years. I have 2 sons, from 4 pregnancies. My first son is 7 years old, and my second son is 1.5 years old. I had 2 miscarriage on my 2nd and 3rd pregnancy.

Those miscarriage was a hard time for me, but my husband understood how hard it was for me and always be there for me.

Then come the moment where we decided to try to conceive for the last time. And we made it. But the pregnancy was so hard, I was nauseous for 24/7, barely eat, i puke a lot, the doctor said i should be hospitalized but i couldnt because my first son needed me.

We prayed everyday so we could get through this, we even called our baby "the little fighter" because he made it even though I almost got miscarriage again.

But everything was changed when the baby born. Around 4 months after the baby born, my husband always came home late. He barely communicate with me and kind of harsh with our first son. He nagged a lot to me about my spending for our son, he nagged about our sons behaviour, some times he didnt come home. He was busy with his car communities (he was a car enthusiast from he was a child).

It turned out that he slept with dozens of woman when i was busy and struggling raising both of our sons. I just found that out 2 months ago, it hit me hard.. until today. I was thinking to end my life but I couldn't because my children are still so small… i was depressed, i do self harm repeatedly when i'm so down and sad.. idk what should i do now..

My husband knew that I had a depression history and infidelity of my parents was the trigger. But he couldnt resist the temptation of the lifestyle that all of his friends did. Sleeping with bunch of cheap and easy girls behind their wives.

He said sorry and he said he want to fix everything out. But i dont know.. i still love him but it hurts so much that i want to die.. help me?

Don't internalise the feelings

He is crap; his behaviour is crap.

He's not a priority here; you are.

Maybe work on yourself… you were content raising your children. He isn't a priority now.

First thought each morning should be what do I need, what do my children need today - just do that.

 

[over.the.rainbow]

I am so sorry. I relate to your post in many ways, (34/F/married 9 years/3 miscarriages/1 living child), but your husband does not deserve you. That is horrible, and I'm sorry he put you through that.

I understand the pain of wanting to ctb but not letting yourself do it because you're a loving mom. Please feel free to message me if you want someone to talk to. I can't understand what all of that feels like but I'm happy to listen and empathize where I can.

 

[pole]

others have already echoed what I wanted to say, so I'm not going to repeat the same talking points.

I just hope you get to a point where you have the strength and willpower to cut your husband out of your life and find someone who values and cherishes you. that man does not deserve you, period.

I hope you find peace.

 

[Painfu.Ll.suffering]

I am so angry that one is not allowed to speak about the own will to end ones life... I bet there are thousand people who would love to part time take care of kids...