Venting i want to die but i know i can never pull the trigger

[nevergongiveyouup]

Last night i was followed through a graveyard. It was probably harmless but I almost hope it wasn't? I've looked death in the face so many times and every single time i turn away, pull back from the edge. i was almost tempted to go back to the graveyard, just to see what would happen.
I think this is my compromise. I won't actively attempt suicide (god knows how many half assed attempts ive had) but i keep putting myself in bad situations and ripping myself to shreds. maybe this is worse than death. at least that's a one and done thing.
i can feel everyone around me getting bored of all my shit. my mum has already started ignoring it and, for her own sake, im glad. its been a week now where ive cut almost every day and i think my boyfriend is sick of me being so fucked up. im sick of me being so fucked up. ive tried so hard to be his rock. ive tried so hard to just be fucking normal and for awhile. for awhile it worked. but no matter how hard i try, i can't get back there. it kills me. im supposed to be the stable one. i want to be the stable one. but i can't. maybe it would be better if i left.
im so sorry for this long rant. if anyones still reading this and relates even remotely or has any advice, drop a line below.

 

[carac]

I'm not sure I can relate but it sounds like you are punishing yourself for some reason. You seem to be actively seeking out bad things to happen to you. Do you feel like you aren't worthy? Is the pain a distraction from something? Maybe you need to figure out why you are in a sort of self destruct/sabotage mode.

 

[nevergongiveyouup]

I'm not sure I can relate but it sounds like you are punishing yourself for some reason. You seem to be actively seeking out bad things to happen to you. Do you feel like you aren't worthy? Is the pain a distraction from something? Maybe you need to figure out why you are in a sort of self destruct/sabotage mode.

Thats prolly a good idea, yeah

 

[carac]

Thats prolly a good idea, yeah

It's not easy to do. Have you thought about your childhood, things that could have caused you trauma? It could be something that is obvious or it could be something you have no idea about or it could be something you are blocking out. Then if you can identify it you then need to find some way that works for you to deal with it and recover.

 

[tpboy]

Sometimes dead is better.

 

[Sweet Tart]

ive tried so hard to be his rock. ive tried so hard to just be fucking normal and for awhile. for awhile it worked. but no matter how hard i try, i can't get back there. it kills me. im supposed to be the stable one. i want to be the stable one. but i can't.

Why do you have to be someone else's rock when you seem to be going thru a lot? I don't think you have to be well for anyone else's sake and I also don't think you're responsible for anyone else's stability or wellness.

I'm sorry that your mum and boyfriend seem disinterested in what's going on with you. If you are not okay, you deserve for the people in your life to care and to show that they care. I'm sending you a hug.