I want to die, but I don't want to kill myself.

[braziliansuicidegirl]

I want to die, but I don't want to kill myself. I find myself constantly thinking that I don't want to live anymore, but when I think about taking my own life, I no longer have the same courage I felt a few years ago, not out of a fear of dying, but a fear of the consequences of that choice. I feel that nowadays I'm more aware of the impact my death would have on my family and friends, I didn't want them to know that I gave up.

I feel it would be easier if it were an accident, a physical illness, or anything that stripped me of the responsibility of leaving them. I find myself constantly thinking about how I'd like to die accidentally, hoping for something to just happen and take the responsibility of doing it away from me. Some days I even fantasize about the idea of hiring someone to kill me, it sounds like something that only works in books and movies, but it would also be much easier. Other days, I just feel like making all sorts of reckless and impulsive decisions, hoping they might kill me. Does anyone else find themselves thinking like this?

 

[Jello Biafra]

All the time, so you aren't alone in that aspect.

I'm fine with what I believe happens after physical existence. Its getting there that's the problem.

 

[kufajoy]

Yeah

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes- absolutely. Passive ideation is peaceful. The idea of just being gone. But yeah- both the prospect of the grief a suicide leaves behind plus, the dread of actually having to harm ourselves is a horrible thought. I don't particularly want to endure natural death either to be honest!

I don't know what my parents were thinking when they inflicted all this on me. Why they even thought life was a good thing to experience is a puzzle but I truthfully feel pretty annoyed they didn't consider both their deaths (one very imminent- my Mum died when I was 3) and how that might affect me, plus my own. I think love, sex and the desire for children blinds people.

 

[Thanatos.br]

Também me sinto assim, na verdade eu não queria nem ter nascido, ou ter morrido nas 2 vezes quando era criança e fiquei extremamente doente, ironicamente minha saúde é muito boa, apesar de nao me exercitar, comer e beber exageradamente, sempre que faço exames os marcadores estão bons. E aí eu percebo que o único jeito de acabar com isso vai ter que ser com minhas próprias mãos, vai ser com minha próprias mãos que eu vou acabar com meu tormento, e também vai ser com elas que vou transferir esse tormento para as pessoas que amo. Aí a vida acaba parecendo uma prisão, em que você escolhe ficar nela, para não arrastar os outros para ela.

 

[GroundControl]

You aren't alone. I have this morally reprehensible fantasy about asking a gunman to shoot me. I don't think I'd actually do that if I was in that situation. But I long for someone else to take me out.

 

[TragedyWillFindUs]

Oh yes so much. I sometimes think about shooting myself when my mind is in idle mode but who am I kidding... I'd never had the courage to actually pull the trigger.

Dying while asleep though.... That'd be perfect.

I think it's somewhat natural that no matter how hard you want to cease to exist the process of dying is always a scary thing.

So yeah... I feel you so much <3 especially the dying by accident or dying by sickness part. On a rational level I don't wanna die like this. But if I have no control over the situation this could be an exit.

 

[tomame]

wow .. this is how i feel! i even googled how to hire a hitman on the darkweb a couple of days ago .. ruminate on changing lives with people who are near death, and attempted 3x .. not going to make it 4 as i'm scared of the consequences of doing it myself.
looking into euthansia in Belgium now

 

[Tommen Baratheon]

wow .. this is how i feel! i even googled how to hire a hitman on the darkweb a couple of days ago .. ruminate on changing lives with people who are near death, and attempted 3x .. not going to make it 4 as i'm scared of the consequences of doing it myself.
looking into euthansia in Belgium now

Unless you have a physical terminal disease or have the Belgian nationality you won't get approved for euthanasia in Belgium. Only Belgians can start a procedure (which can take up to 2 years) for euthanasia in case of so-called unbearable mental suffering (ondraaglijk psychisch lijden).

 

[joey2424]

yes, I relate to this strongly.

Every time I have been on a plane in my life, I say a prayer as we take off "I hope that this plane crashes and that everyone survives but me".

I even fantasize about being randomly shot by someone while I'm walking outside.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

"Some days I even fantasize about the idea of hiring someone to kill me; it sounds like something that only works in books and movies."

This works in real life. Two cases where people ordered their own deaths - Brazil. Patrícia Borsato (2020) Giovana Mathias Manzano (2011). The SI is strong. It's just a biological mechanism capable of keeping many people imprisoned even knowing where the exit is.

Giovana Mathias Manzano was a 35-year-old lawyer who became the center of an atypical criminal case in Penápolis, in the interior of São Paulo, in June 2011.
According to police investigations and confessions of those involved:
The Crime: Giovana allegedly ordered her own death due to a severe case of depression. She was found dead with three shots to the back of the neck in a sugarcane field near Estrada do Retiro; her car, a VW Gol, was set on fire next to her body.
Hiring: The lawyer paid approximately R$ 2,000.00 to two young men to carry out the crime. Before the execution, she allegedly tried, unsuccessfully, to ask friends and family to find someone to kill her.
Conviction: In March 2014, the two perpetrators were tried and convicted of the murder.

Attribute Details
Date of event June 13, 2011 (found on the 14th)
Location Penápolis, SP
Occupation Lawyer
Reported motivation Deep depression and desire for assisted suicide




In 2020, the name of Patrícia Borsato (a 40-year-old lawyer and former member of the OAB-SP's Commission to Combat Fake News) gained national attention due to her disappearance and subsequent confirmation of death under unusual circumstances.

Event Details
Disappearance Occurred on March 1, 2020, in São Paulo.
Investigation Police discovered that, before disappearing, she withdrew R$ 3,100 and handed over belongings (notebook and cell phone) to two men.
Outcome The body was found in June 2020 in a wooded area in Heliópolis.

Police Conclusion The investigation indicated that Patrícia had ordered her own death for R$ 3,100, after failed suicide attempts.

 

[gr33navocad0]

I feel the same way every day