Venting I want to die but I CAN'T

[Sunoo]

I'M JUST SO SICK OF THIS I REALLY AM BUT WHENVER I GO TO CTB MY SURVIVAL INSTICNTNTS JUST KICK IN AND I GET SO SCARED BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GONNA BE AFTER DEATH AND I JUST GET SO SHOCKED. The average life expectancy in my family tree is like 60 to 90 years I DON'T WANT THAT I CANNOT BEAR TO LIVE ANOTHER 40 YEARS I COULD'NT EVEN BARE LIVING FOR 10 years IT HURTS SO BAD all I can do is purge and cry all day and there are sometime where I don't feel sad or happy just empty and I just want to be happy. Why did my parents meet to create me I know it is not their fault but I wish as bad as it is that they never met so they never created me. I might sound weird I know but I just want to die as soon as possible I would even be happy to die by 21 painlessly which is in 3 years time. I feel like such a wimp not being able to bring myself to actually ctb. I know this is bad to say but I envy those who are able to ctb successfully I wish I could do that
I've failed everything in life all I want to do is die I have nothing worth to live for I just feel bad everyday just want someone to understand I don't know

 

[FuneralCry]

I also really envy those who are now permanently not existing, I hate how it's so difficult to die. I find it so horrible how we cannot just easily leave this existence in peace despite the fact that we were so cruelly burdened with the ability to exist in the first place. Suffering for decades on end also sounds so incredibly torturous to me, it's what I would fear.

 

[breezy999]

Wow this post is so spot on. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I know how hard it is.