Hmmmmmm. You pose a hard task. I'll try and give you my thoughts.
I've always had a really hard time with society's concept of success. For you to be successful, you have to be rich, you have to own a home, you have to be married, you have to go to college, you have to have a car, you have to have children. As I went through an incessant search for the most powerful position in medicine, while in college, I found myself absolutely unhappy. I crashed. I came into contact with a heavy trauma of my past as well and just lost my shit. I attempted. Lucky for me I weigh about as much as Peter Griffin and the rope snapped (or slipped from the hinge, don't remember). I just collapsed on the floor. Next day I told my gf and she got desperate, so I got in contact with a psychiatrist and started antipsychotics, because he thought I had it, somehow. Queue 3 years of AP use and absolutely no human feelings. 3 years of therapy. Change of home. Change of mind. But still depressive suicidal episodes. Fucking pain. But I kept dragging myself. My only goal for 3 months was just don't kill yourself. My next goal was don't kill yourself and go to classes to not fail. Then school ended, I graduated. I was free of that shitty place and those shitty competitive people. And I started doing my thing. I got into urgent and emergency care on my country's public system and absolutely fell in love. I no longer have the ambition of being ultra wealthy and being a powerful and well known doctor. I want to stay and help those who the government turned their eyes. I have to pay my bills, but if I didn't, I would absolutely do this for free. This is my calling. And I had to wait 3 years of misery and suicidal thoughts.
About love. (This story happens before the suicide attempt). The trauma I was talking about was that I was raped when I was 12. After that I developed a serious anxiety towards feelings and approaching people. My first kiss was at 16 only because my friends made the girl think she would make her crush jealous. I went through college a "virgin" and couldn't approach women. I see you say you are a cute muscular man. I am a 200cm (6'6) guy. I am chubby, but not fat. I'm not ugly. And modesty aside I always make people laugh. And many girls showed interest, but I was too broken to accept it. I gave up. But then my gf came into my life. We started talking and she was just as insane as I was. She was passively suicidal. Very depressed. And seriously self conscious. And I didn't feel weak when I talked to her. It was just natural. And we started something. It evolved into a very intense situationship. Then, 9 months later, she broke up with me. And I crashed. Life was shit. I was shit. I was broken. I dragged myself. Life went on. And 5 months later she wanted to get back together. I said no. She kept on trying. I kept saying no. I hooked up with another girl then pandemic hit. And I got needy, so I got back with her. And she was another person. We started making things work and now we're 3 years together and have 3 cats. And I had to wait 25 years to find someone (not necessarily the one, but one I'm happy with now). It's hard finding and keeping a woman. But things happen. People meet people. Your person may just appear.
To sum up all this nonsense. Success is not a fixed idea. The way the work system in the US has been made to enslave people in corporate jobs to make them financially dependant on the abusive work life they are subjected. And they feed you the idea that success is money. That success is starting a job that only college graduates can achieve. And when we are faced with that. Life hits. I had this mindset. For me success was power, was influence, was being godlike and all controlling. Today, success is looking at an older woman who doesn't even have plumbing in her house look at me and smile after I gave her a treatment they actually deserve, but never got. It's taking in a suicide attempt in the ER, and the person looks at me and asks for help. And I stay there with them, and we talk, and I see hope in their eyes. Success is coming home to my 3 amazing cats that I love more than life and petting them, seeing them healthy. Success is looking back and being proud of what I went through and persevered. Success is a concept that can be changed throughout life.
You are not chained to where you are. You are not bound to go where you're going. Find something that brings you joy, that you want to make. Don't be governed by money. Don't compare to others. You should do what makes you proud. And that's success.
Don't diminish yourself because you're a sexy guy that cries. You are hurting. You don't want to hurt anymore. Of course CTB is an option. Sometimes it feels like we are cornered. But you came here asking for a chance.
I told another user. There is another way of "CTBing". Just vanish. Go to another country, live there. Erase your past.
Or just try other things, get away from where it's hurting. Move to another city. Cut contact with those who drain you.
And when you start taking steps, take them small. Have small goals and be proud. Don't compare. If today all you did was not die. Awesome. You're awesome. If tomorrow you got out of bed and showered. Badass.
You're hurt. Your mind is hurt. When you break your leg you don't go running the next day. You rest. Then you start walking slowly, sometimes painfully. Then over time, things start getting better.
We tend to look at the far future and project an idea that's nearly impossible. Think about today.
I always say this to everybody here. Suicide is absolutely your right and always an option. But if you stay, who knows. Maybe you move, start a new life, work in a completely unrelated area and it's something you have actual fun.
Mental illnesses is an illness like any other. You're not weak, you're not faking it, you're not fishing for attention. A person dying from cancer and a person committing suicide are the same thing, just different types of suffering, with the same outcome. You're not weak. You're hurting.
This is my attempt to give you hope. If any of this made sense to you, I hope you feel better. If after this, you realize still that CTB is your choice, you're not taking a cowards way out, you're not weak. And I sincerely hope you find peace in whatever comes next.
I'm always here to chat more if you want.
