Venting I want to date trans women but I'm afraid of my father's reaction

[Acidic_Fries]

I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to survive financially without my parents support.

I'm afraid of getting ridiculed by my father.

I tried many times to work but each time I didn't last long in my job.

The phone interviews always give me stomach aches.

I'm currently waiting to get accepted for a rehabilitation program that focuses on employment for depressed people.

Hopefully someday, that might give me some more self esteem before I attempt to try the dating scene.

There is this fear that maybe I will need my parents' inheritance money to survive once they die. That dating trans women will get me out of their will

 

[Set Real Goul]

Just hiding it, especially at the dating stage, shouldn't really be a problem. I mean, I can understand why you're concerned. Personally, I would probably hide it for as long as I could if I knew my parents wouldn't understand that kind of relationship. Does the job you're hoping to get through this program have any prospects for development?
I mean, if you were able to move out, then it wouldn't be difficult to keep who you're in a relationship with a secret.

 

[fadedghost]

I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to survive financially without my parents support.

I'm afraid of getting ridiculed by my father.

I tried many times to work but each time I didn't last long in my job.

The phone interviews always give me stomach aches.

I'm currently waiting to get accepted for a rehabilitation program that focuses on employment for depressed people.

Hopefully someday, that might give me some more self esteem before I attempt to try the dating scene.

There is this fear that maybe I will need my parents' inheritance money to survive once they die. That dating trans women will get me out of their will

Do you need to be out as someone who likes transwomen to date transwomen?

I'm sure some transwomen would be happy to have a boyfriend and understand the situation of needing to keep it on the DL.

 

[infinitesimal]

like with any other relationship, if its possible keep it secret as long as you need to. therell be people willing to understand your situation, even if it isnt your father.

having someone who loves you may also be the push needed for you to maintain a job. maybe the nausea from interviews may ease when you know someones got your back, and will help you get up.

mutual love can be a beautiful feeling, the act of making someone feel loved and valued can be very rewarding to you too. its like youre helping each other get through life.

but no need to rush! focus on the program first if you believe in it, to secure a better chance at financial independence and more confidence in general. you should be your number one priority. proud of you for taking steps to improve your self esteem, good luck.

 

[Acidic_Fries]

You have to be out because some women can ask each other whether they're on their period.

Some people aren't good liars.

Do you need to be out as someone who likes transwomen to date transwomen?

I'm sure some transwomen would be happy to have a boyfriend and understand the situation of needing to keep it on the DL.

No. It's a factory/assembly line type of jobs. I'm too autistic for jobs that require good communication skills. so for example anything in the technology sector is out of the equation given the fact that tech jobs require "team players".

In the program I will get really cheap housing. (With roommates and bunk beds.)

So the size of the wage I get won't be important for me.

Just hiding it, especially at the dating stage, shouldn't really be a problem. I mean, I can understand why you're concerned. Personally, I would probably hide it for as long as I could if I knew my parents wouldn't understand that kind of relationship. Does the job you're hoping to get through this program have any prospects for development?
I mean, if you were able to move out, then it wouldn't be difficult to keep who you're in a relationship with a secret.

Spoiler: Content warning: transphobia.

Nevermind, I asked my mum today whether she will be ok with me if I would date trans women.



Turns out she is a transphobe aka afraid of trans people.



So unfortunately I will have to compromise on dating biological women.



Although trans women are more attractive to me, I prefer to make sure I will be apart of my parents' inheritance documents in case I will need it in dire circumstances.



I didn't think my mum is against trans people so I thought to confide with her about my feelings. (She knows how to keep secrets. My father won't know that I'm attracted to trans women.)



Sorry. Maybe in another life.

 

[shiny_quill]

On some of the things discussed:
What do you mean when you say you "want to date trans women"? Do you exclusively want to date trans women? Are you interested in women and want to add trans women in your dating pool? Do you currently have views on a specific trans woman? Because these are very different scenarios and, I say this in the nicest way possible, if it's the first, you might not have to worry about it at all because the overall opinion of trans people on chasers (assuming here you are cisgender) is pretty negative, and for trans women especially, people insisting they want a trans girlfriend can be a sign that they would not fully be supportive of their transition, and could break up with them if they had a vaginoplasty for instance, which is a deal breaker for many*.

This has also been said before but, if you do get a partner who happens to be trans, they don't have to be out to your family and/or friends, especially if this could pose a threat to you or her! It doesn't matter if she gets asked if she's on her period, that's an intrusive question to ask even between cis women, especially from an in-law, and a lack of answer would not out them; besides, a lot of cis women don't have their period either, so that's really not a sign someone is trans if that really concerns you? But yeah, it seems like your first priority right now, before dating anyone, should be to work on yourself, and I wish you the best of lucks for that <3

*: Not all trans women want to go that far in their transition, but having a partner close off your options is a huge red flag

 

[Emily1021]

Just to chime in as a trans woman. Not speaking for everyone but a lot of the time keeping us on the "down-low" comes across as chaser-y. In general we deal with feeling ostracized or "othered". Just keep that in mind here. Also, there are plenty of trans woman who pass without any question of if they are trans or cis. If you specifically only want to date clocky trans woman then we might be entering chaser territory.
Another thing after reading your response. While we don't get periods per se, we do have hormonal fluctuations on HRT that can line up to feel period-esque as far as emotions go. So it wouldn't even be exactly a lie for a trans woman to say "Yea I just started my period." And some trans woman carry pads/tampons incase cis women around them need them.

 

[fadedghost]

Just to chime in as a trans woman. Not speaking for everyone but a lot of the time keeping us on the "down-low" comes across as chaser-y. In general we deal with feeling ostracized or "othered". Just keep that in mind here. Also, there are plenty of trans woman who pass without any question of if they are trans or cis. If you specifically only want to date clocky trans woman then we might be entering chaser territory.
Another thing after reading your response. While we don't get periods per se, we do have hormonal fluctuations on HRT that can line up to feel period-esque as far as emotions go. So it wouldn't even be exactly a lie for a trans woman to say "Yea I just started my period." And some trans woman carry pads/tampons incase cis women around them need them.

This is interesting! I didn't know chasers were a thing! Are there lots of them?

 

[Emily1021]

This is interesting! I didn't know chasers were a thing! Are there lots of them?

I encountered a few when I first came out. To be CLEAR. Having a preference for trans women isn't being a chaser. It's when you fetishize and try to hide them. So trying to hide your gf is trans because of your family may not be a chaser thing inherently, it can come off that way to woman.

 

[pelicanportal]

If you are a man: you posted about dating women instead since your mom indicates transphobia. Do not do this. Either date who you want when you do not have to rely on family, or do not date at all.

 

[Acidic_Fries]

If you are a man: you posted about dating women instead since your mom indicates transphobia. Do not do this. Either date who you want when you do not have to rely on family, or do not date at all.

I'm a man. Well I feel lonely as heck. It will take a while till I will be capable of successfully managing to get hired to a job with a median income instead of minimum wage.

Minimum wage is not enough for rent. So I will compromise unfortunately.

Maybe in the far future when I'm successfully independent I will see if the opportunity arises to date trans women.

Life is unfair and we gotta compromise with the deck of cards we're dealt.

On some of the things discussed:
What do you mean when you say you "want to date trans women"? Do you exclusively want to date trans women? Are you interested in women and want to add trans women in your dating pool? Do you currently have views on a specific trans woman? Because these are very different scenarios and, I say this in the nicest way possible, if it's the first, you might not have to worry about it at all because the overall opinion of trans people on chasers (assuming here you are cisgender) is pretty negative, and for trans women especially, people insisting they want a trans girlfriend can be a sign that they would not fully be supportive of their transition, and could break up with them if they had a vaginoplasty for instance, which is a deal breaker for many*.

This has also been said before but, if you do get a partner who happens to be trans, they don't have to be out to your family and/or friends, especially if this could pose a threat to you or her! It doesn't matter if she gets asked if she's on her period, that's an intrusive question to ask even between cis women, especially from an in-law, and a lack of answer would not out them; besides, a lot of cis women don't have their period either, so that's really not a sign someone is trans if that really concerns you? But yeah, it seems like your first priority right now, before dating anyone, should be to work on yourself, and I wish you the best of lucks for that <3

*: Not all trans women want to go that far in their transition, but having a partner close off your options is a huge red flag

I'm attracted to both biological women and trans women. It's just that trans women are more attractive to me.

I realized from the comments here that trans people don't like it when their partner has to hide them from their parents.

Therefore I decided to not pursue the trans women dating idea.

It will wait for a different time when I'm more independent financially and when I have my own stable living accomodations separate from my parents.