Venting i want to ctb but the people i care for might follow me.

[ham]

i want to ctb, i want to be free from all of the pressure i am feeling. i dont know what to do anymore.
i know that if i ctb the person that i care for the most will follow the path i have chosen, i want them to follow their dreams, i dont want them to follow me. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel trapped in this world.

 

[damnatio memoriae]

Me too, I want to CTB but I know that when I do, eventually, my little sister will follow. No matter how many years pass I know she will. She already has *some* idea of suicide, and when I (sorta drunkenly and uncaringly) asked what she'd do if I died she said that she would CTB too so she could come to heaven with me. That really fucks with me because I know that I'm not the sort to live long. Maybe these last few months I should make her resent me? Maybe my passing would not trouble her as much If she hates me by then.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like a difficult situation to be in, and I understand that it can certainly be so awful and tiring feeling trapped here. At least in my case I could never exist only for the sake of others.

 

[jodes2]

Yeah that sucks. Sometimes we're trapped in limbo. Might be worth sticking around since you obviously make a difference in their lives, maybe you can try fixing yours too

 

[princess-oph]

Same, I know my sister will follow me. The best I can do is leave her a loving note but I have to leave regardless.

 

[Thisisme373]

I have a "kind of" similar situation with my cousin, I'm not sure if he would follow me but he's made it very clear it would destroy him if I do that. He is my cousin but also best friend. He knows I'm suicidal & keeps reiterating that I can't leave him. Tbh it makes me feel more trapped as the thought of death is the only thing that gives me any comfort. Thing is if this gets any worse I can't suffer in constant torment for years and years not to upset others. My life has been hell for a long time and I'm the last 6 months has sunken to even deeper depths of suffering. I am not living, I can't enjoy anything, each day is torment to me. I'm holding on best I can but seriously I'd be happy to get a terminal illness.

 

[buyersremorse]

Me too, I want to CTB but I know that when I do, eventually, my little sister will follow. No matter how many years pass I know she will. She already has *some* idea of suicide, and when I (sorta drunkenly and uncaringly) asked what she'd do if I died she said that she would CTB too so she could come to heaven with me. That really fucks with me because I know that I'm not the sort to live long. Maybe these last few months I should make her resent me? Maybe my passing would not trouble her as much If she hates me by then.

Im sorry youre going through this. I understand the dilemma you're facing here, but I dont recommend leaving with resentment between you two, even if it's not actual resentment (your sister could end up feeling worse or that she caused it in a way) if i were in your situation, i'd try making it look like some sort of freakish accident, or like i hadn't meant to die. (did she mean ctb if you died in general or ctb'd?) i think this might lessen the pain of everyone else.

 

[WanderingAlone]

i want to ctb, i want to be free from all of the pressure i am feeling. i dont know what to do anymore.
i know that if i ctb the person that i care for the most will follow the path i have chosen, i want them to follow their dreams, i dont want them to follow me. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel trapped in this world.

my dad said he'd ctb if i ever did too. i feel so stuck

 

[TapeMachine]

I'm worried that I'll destroy my dad when I ctb.. One of my brothers just died from accidental fentanyl OD a week or so ago, and our dad is in terrible shape over it, utterly devastated, beyond heartbroken...

And I'd already been gathering my supplies for my imminent ctb for a month prior to my brother's OD, but now I feel stuck... I can't stay here forever just to make others happy(ish), but dammit, I don't want to break my dad with 2 of his 3 children having died so close together.. I don't know if he would ctb, but he would be dead inside nonetheless, and I am consumed with guilt and sadness for my precious dad..

@ham my heart goes out to you

 

[paoS]

I can relate to that feeling. I have a brother with psychotic episodes and he mentioned to me that he'd CTB if i died. Just can't do it to him or my mum. I feel trapped in this awful world because i want a good and peaceful life for both of them.