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H

Hunterer

Member
May 13, 2024
25
Hello, as you read in the title above, this is the main reason why I would like to ctb.

At the moment I'm writing this, I'm writing with a deep pain in my heart, a pain in my chest that I'm already used to feeling, and I know that this pain will probably only go away the day I'm dead, but let's just say parties... We live in a society where it is difficult to maintain stable relationships for several reasons. If you are a person devoid of beauty or material possessions, you will probably end up alone, and that is my case. I unfortunately wasn't lucky with my genetics, which is why I'm not seen as attractive by others, and they made a point of throwing this in my face twice while I was still at school, once during elementary school and once during high school during Valentine's Day. That day, I was excited to send a letter to a girl I liked, I was anxious, but in the end I gave up because I knew I wouldn't have the slightest chance with her, I didn't even decide to try. I would probably be obviously rejected, ridiculed, among other things, and that hurts a lot inside me...

Just as I write this, I already feel like crying, because I realize that in the world we live in, it's not enough to just be a nice, kind, humble person or anything like that. You need to be physically attractive or have status, and I'm neither of those, I'm not attractive and I don't have money. To tell the truth, I'm completely miserable and a failure, those are the only two words that can describe me better. I would like to someday be able to be loved by someone other than a member of my family, but that would be impossible for me, and I would eventually have to deal with loneliness... People say there is always a soulmate somewhere. place, but I think that's not my case and I don't want to have to wait years and years to meet this supposed soulmate who shouldn't even exist.

I've suffered a lot of things in this life. I've fantasized about impossible loves, that could only exist in my mind, and I keep fantasizing, because that's literally my only alternative. I can't even pay a prostitute to satisfy me precisely because I'm so pathetic and miserable😅, and I hope that at least, after my death, either I no longer feel anything like an eternal sleep, or I go to some kind of paradise where I can forget all my pains and I can be truly happy and loved there, and as absurd as that may sound, I would really like to believe in this 2nd option, but if there really is a paradise filled with love and happiness, I highly doubt I would be sent there.

I'm sorry for the long text, but I need to vent. This is the only place I can vent without at least being judged or seen as a stranger, and this is one of, if not the main reason why I want to ctb soon, besides of course, the lack of motivation for things It's a fear of my future, and as I already know that I'm not going to accomplish anything much, it's better to get it all over with quickly. There are people who weren't born to live in this world, I think, and I must be one of them...

If anyone feels the same way as me, feel free to respond to the question addressed.
 
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bussy

bussy

“my sin, my soul”
Mar 30, 2023
56
Not my main reason but also one of the many reasons I want to ctb. like, i cant even love myself so how can another human being be capable of doing so?
I also fantasise how it would be to be crazily in love with someone who loves me more than anything. just finding comfort in one another would be so sweet. although then again, this is just another silly fantasy of mine that wont happen.
 
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H

helloworld!

Member
Apr 17, 2024
14
What makes you think that way? Maybe you are being too pessimistic.
 
H

Hunterer

Member
May 13, 2024
25
What makes you think that way? Maybe you are being too pessimistic.
I'm certainly being pessimistic, but in my current state, I don't have the means to continue living much longer in search of true love as it would take a long time and I would continue to live in constant suffering in this seemingly meaningless search. The only "good" thing left for me is to go to bed and fantasize about a possible relationship, and then wake up and remember that nothing is real and that it's just something in my head😒

I know that complaining and being pessimistic will not improve things for me, but this is a way that I have to deal with the pain and frustration of being who I am, but I say with 100% certainty that if I had I wouldn't try to have a girlfriend who truly loved me, I would try to live for the sake of our little happiness, but currently, that is out of the question.
 
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Ethernatuskoi

Ethernatuskoi

Life is a very bad joke
Oct 24, 2023
113
I feel the same way, so I think dying is the most viable option for me, not just for this single reason, but for several others as well. Wish you good luck👍
 
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dykgot

dykgot

despondent
May 5, 2024
10
i relate so heavily with this. i've never had a relationship or even a kiss in my entire life and nobody understands how deeply it eats at you. "you'll find someone" but when? "they're out there!" but where? empty condolences make it even harder to cope with being unlovable. i hope you can find comfort in knowing that someone else also feels the same loneliness you do.
 
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Coconut blue

Coconut blue

Student
May 13, 2024
146
im in the same boat, human relationships in general have been a pain in the ass and ive never been able to maintain stable relationships over a long time. ig some ppl dont have another half made for them lmao
 
L

LostSoul1965

Experienced
Apr 15, 2024
263
Yep...yep. I agree. I have had a good life til my health failed me a year ago. I found out then that nobody cared about me.... they all left. Friends,family and GF. I guess I mattered when I was productive but not now. The way I have been passed around from place to place with no regards to my thoughts and feelings has been brutal.I struggle just for basic needs.I have money too but not enough to get assisted living. The thought of trying to rebuild my life with my challenges is too much. I don't even think at this point I can recover from all the trauma.
 
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H

Hunterer

Member
May 13, 2024
25
i relate so heavily with this. i've never had a relationship or even a kiss in my entire life and nobody understands how deeply it eats at you. "you'll find someone" but when?" "they're out there!" but where? empty condolences make it even harder to cope with being unlovable. i hope you can find comfort in knowing that someone else also feels the same loneliness you do.
I really hope that people like us can be happy someday, whether here on Earth or in the afterlife😭 but I personally would just like to disappear and not feel anything anymore, that way I wouldn't have any more worries and I wouldn't even have to deal with the bad feelings.

It may seem strange, but at the same time as I feel fear, I also feel comfort in death, as it would serve as an escape route from all problems, although even dying is difficult from the looks of it😅
 
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S

snakefeet

Member
Mar 25, 2024
8
I can tell you I shared this sentiment for a long period of time and fully understand the feeling. I spent way too long assuming I am too unattractive, broke, worthless etc etc to deserve love.

Objectively though I can tell you that I have seen conventionally very unattractive, strange, horrible, whatever people find relationships, so ultimately that is not what it boils down to.

Personally, I think pursuing passions and building confidence in other things I do eventually helped me to eventually radiate some quality attractive enough to the point that I've been in a long term stable relationship.

I hope this doesn't come off dismissive of your situation, because it's incredibly tough, but not impossible.
 
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H

Hunterer

Member
May 13, 2024
25
Yep...yep. I agree. I have had a good life til my health failed me a year ago. I found out then that nobody cared about me.... they all left. Friends,family and GF. I guess I mattered when I was productive but not now. The way I have been passed around from place to place with no regards to my thoughts and feelings has been brutal.I struggle just for basic needs.I have money too but not enough to get assisted living. The thought of trying to rebuild my life with my challenges is too much. I don't even think at this point I can recover from all the trauma.
It's always like this, when you stop being productive and useful, people throw you aside and only people who really care about you will stay by your side until the end, and if it were in my case, I wouldn't have enough motivation. To work, get money or do anything, I would only think about getting it all over with at once, because I personally am not a determined person and that is one of my biggest flaws.

Maybe, because of this defect, I can't even do CTB. I'm weak, pessimistic and even the smallest problems make me frustrated to the point of wanting to abandon everything and give up on life. But if you have dreams and expectations, you should try to fulfill them and improve your conditions, no matter how difficult it may be... Anyway, don't be like me in the end😅
I hope this doesn't come off dismissive of your situation, because it's incredibly tough, but not impossible.
I'm not going to lie, and I hate to say it, but I've seen people less beautiful than me, in a particularly stable relationship (apparently), and I wonder all the time what these people have that I don't. I've thought about a lot of things, but I can never come to an exact conclusion.

Having a relationship with someone is very difficult, but I admit that if I had money, I would pay someone constantly just to give me love and affection, even if it was fake, I wouldn't mind I think, and that proves how desperate I am . I would like to be different😒
 
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cowboypants

cowboypants

Experienced
May 7, 2024
206
It's not the only reason I struggle in other aspects of life as well. I have never been in a relationship. I don't think my Autism/ BPD will allow me to be in one peacefully. Heck I struggle with friendships as well lol
 
A

Aloneandinpain

Student
Dec 25, 2023
110
i relate so heavily with this. i've never had a relationship or even a kiss in my entire life and nobody understands how deeply it eats at you. "you'll find someone" but when? "they're out there!" but where? empty condolences make it even harder to cope with being unlovable. i hope you can find comfort in knowing that someone else also feels the same loneliness you do.

Still haven't had my first kiss yet either. In particular I've noticed that most women can't relate to our situation in the slightest. Like they'll say "I haven't found my special person yet either", but I haven't found anyone, ever. I basically don't exist.
 
Ethernatuskoi

Ethernatuskoi

Life is a very bad joke
Oct 24, 2023
113
From what I understand, ur probably like me and some others in the thread and have never had the opportunity to create a relationship with someone, kiss, have sex, etc, but that's a natural human desire so I can't blame no one here to feel bad about this, after all, human beings need each other, this is how relationships arise and societies are formed, relationships are the basis of our world, so if it's not an exaggeration I would say that you could at least hire someone to give you affection, pleasure or anything you want, but that's when you have money👍

I would do that to at least feel the thing before i die lol
 
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H

Hunterer

Member
May 13, 2024
25
I have never been in a relationship.
Neither do I, and that bothers me a lot. Being loved, being touched, I believe that is not wrong. And talking about friendships, I have some, but lately we're not that close anymore, but I hope I can create some here on the forum, so if you want, feel free to send a message about something. I like to talk, as you can see😅
I would say that you could at least hire someone to give you affection, pleasure or anything you want, but that's when you have money👍

I would do that to at least feel the thing before i die lol
Yes, I could try, as strange as that may sound, but I would say that would be my last act of happiness. Obviously, having a relationship with someone in real life is very different from what we see in films and series, as I have absolutely no experience in anything, but it would still be worth it. I admit that I don't want to die a virgin and I want to experience the pleasures of life at least once before I die😅 but if that's not possible, it's easier to give up all at once😒
 
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divinemistress36

divinemistress36

Visionary
Jan 1, 2024
2,179
True love is an illusion . Romantic love is conditional. Few relationships are truly happy and most don't last
 
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Sk1rtd4b

Sk1rtd4b

Member
May 13, 2024
24
Yea but I suggest before you make any big decisions you do some deep thinking and really think about what you want when it comes to love. I genuinely think that if you get in a good relationship with someone with this mindset and something happens and you two end up separating it will break you more than before. The best advice I'd offer for you is to get some really good friends that you can always have in case stuff goes south with your love life. I understand your point because humans are extremely social and emotional creatures so it would be stupid to say something like "just be self-sufficient" or something like that because we are not made to be alone. I would also suggest to not necessarily chase love. It sounds hard and I know you want to find love as quick as possible but chasing it is not the way to go. What I mean by that is don't meet people with the immediate intention of wanting a romantic relationship with them. Meet them as people, see if they really fit your personality and see if you have common interests etc. Be genuine Aswell, do not present yourself as someone you are not. Because then you will have to keep that act up and that will be more draining. Sorry I started going a little long there but I really hope this helped. If you have any questions I would love to answer them.
 
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H

Hunterer

Member
May 13, 2024
25
Yea but I suggest before you make any big decisions you do some deep thinking and really think about what you want when it comes to love.
Well, let's see, when it comes to love, I think a lot about having those happy relationships like the ones we see in the movies, but I also think a lot about sexual relationships, but that being the case, it's easier to hire a prostitute, just like It has already been suggested, so technically, love wouldn't need to be true, just having someone by my side to satisfy my desires. Anyway, I also think that I wouldn't be able to last long in a relationship, and it's easier to give up this false search for non-existent true love and end it all at once, and that's exactly why I'm on this site.

In the end, this post was just made to vent my frustrations about life, love, etc... Death is the best option instead of suffering.
 
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P

Puff

Member
Feb 10, 2020
6
This may not mean much coming from an asexual, but I truly believe you are complete as you are. I hate the phrase 'my other half', because we are whole (even when we feel broken) by ourselves. We can love, be loved, connect with others, have romantic and sexual experiences, start a family, be successful, have lifelong companions, all without finding 'the one'. I'm not bashing the concept of true love, I wish you success if that's what you want and I certainly wouldn't turn it down if I found it myself. I want you to know however that you are an important and valued person just as you are now.
 
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Sk1rtd4b

Sk1rtd4b

Member
May 13, 2024
24
Well, let's see, when it comes to love, I think a lot about having those happy relationships like the ones we see in the movies, but I also think a lot about sexual relationships, but that being the case, it's easier to hire a prostitute, just like It has already been suggested, so technically, love wouldn't need to be true, just having someone by my side to satisfy my desires. Anyway, I also think that I wouldn't be able to last long in a relationship, and it's easier to give up this false search for non-existent true love and end it all at once, and that's exactly why I'm on this site.

In the end, this post was just made to vent my frustrations about life, love, etc... Death is the best option instead of suffering.
I feel you. You're consumed by lust my friend. It's a hard thing to see past because sex seems so great and euphoric, and I know I can't speak for everyone but I genuinely feel like it's 100x less enjoyable when it's coming from a desire to pleasure rather than a desire to connect on a new level with a person. I used to think the same way, I had a bad porn addiction and I really just wanted to have sex, I thought it would be a crazy experience and it would fulfill all my desires I had and make me complete but it really did none of that. I'm not trying to say you don't have a genuine reason to want to CTB but I really think I could help you get over this drive for lust and if you could get over that, see if you still want to CTB. You're choice, obviously.
 
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Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
19,961
I'm in the same boat. 😔
 
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H

Hunterer

Member
May 13, 2024
25
You're consumed by lust my friend.
Well, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. It's really frustrating to be like this, but I ended up in this incredibly painful rock bottom because of loneliness and rejection, and I just want to stop feeling this way as soon as possible😖
 
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Sk1rtd4b

Sk1rtd4b

Member
May 13, 2024
24
Well, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. It's really frustrating to be like this, but I ended up in this incredibly painful rock bottom because of loneliness and rejection, and I just want to stop feeling this way as soon as possible😖
My best suggesting, and it sounds REALLY corny, is start going to the gym. Or better yet, any physical activity that will actively better yourself physically and mentally serving as a distraction. One of the main reasons I'm thinking twice about CTB myself is like I've worked so hard for years for the results I've gotten from my training and it would just seem like a waste. Try to quit porn Aswell if you are watching it, it is quite literally rot.
 
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H

Hunterer

Member
May 13, 2024
25
My best suggesting, and it sounds REALLY corny, is start going to the gym. Or better yet, any physical activity that will actively better yourself physically and mentally serving as a distraction. One of the main reasons I'm thinking twice about CTB myself is like I've worked so hard for years for the results I've gotten from my training and it would just seem like a waste. Try to quit porn Aswell if you are watching it, it is quite literally rot.
I've thought about going to the gym, but I ended up giving up on the idea due to lack of motivation. But look, I appreciate the supportive and supportive comments from you and others who are here saying they can relate to me and what I'm going through, but I feel like I'm just wasting your time. I really have no expectations of positive changes in life, my only fear of dying is the belief in a Hell, as I come from a Christian family, but if there is no Hell, regardless of what comes after, it's great... so for me , the only good and best option is to disappear, and that is something inevitable, soon, all living beings will have that same fate sooner or later, so I see no harm in wanting to anticipate that fate. And once again, I apologize for wasting your time giving me advice, I feel bad about that😅
 
Sk1rtd4b

Sk1rtd4b

Member
May 13, 2024
24
Don't feel bad, it's all up to you and how you feel and I am in no position to dictate that and tell you if what you are feeling is right or wrong. Hope the best for you!
 
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BlueCup

BlueCup

Member
Apr 27, 2024
25
Have you tried withdrawing from social relationships ?
I have not met a woman my age for years and i don't feel the need for one anymore.
 
Linda

Linda

Member
Jul 30, 2020
1,548
Hello, as you read in the title above, this is the main reason why I would like to ctb.

At the moment I'm writing this, I'm writing with a deep pain in my heart, a pain in my chest that I'm already used to feeling, and I know that this pain will probably only go away the day I'm dead, but let's just say parties... We live in a society where it is difficult to maintain stable relationships for several reasons. If you are a person devoid of beauty or material possessions, you will probably end up alone, and that is my case. I unfortunately wasn't lucky with my genetics, which is why I'm not seen as attractive by others, and they made a point of throwing this in my face twice while I was still at school, once during elementary school and once during high school during Valentine's Day. That day, I was excited to send a letter to a girl I liked, I was anxious, but in the end I gave up because I knew I wouldn't have the slightest chance with her, I didn't even decide to try. I would probably be obviously rejected, ridiculed, among other things, and that hurts a lot inside me...

Just as I write this, I already feel like crying, because I realize that in the world we live in, it's not enough to just be a nice, kind, humble person or anything like that. You need to be physically attractive or have status, and I'm neither of those, I'm not attractive and I don't have money. To tell the truth, I'm completely miserable and a failure, those are the only two words that can describe me better. I would like to someday be able to be loved by someone other than a member of my family, but that would be impossible for me, and I would eventually have to deal with loneliness... People say there is always a soulmate somewhere. place, but I think that's not my case and I don't want to have to wait years and years to meet this supposed soulmate who shouldn't even exist.

I've suffered a lot of things in this life. I've fantasized about impossible loves, that could only exist in my mind, and I keep fantasizing, because that's literally my only alternative. I can't even pay a prostitute to satisfy me precisely because I'm so pathetic and miserable😅, and I hope that at least, after my death, either I no longer feel anything like an eternal sleep, or I go to some kind of paradise where I can forget all my pains and I can be truly happy and loved there, and as absurd as that may sound, I would really like to believe in this 2nd option, but if there really is a paradise filled with love and happiness, I highly doubt I would be sent there.

I'm sorry for the long text, but I need to vent. This is the only place I can vent without at least being judged or seen as a stranger, and this is one of, if not the main reason why I want to ctb soon, besides of course, the lack of motivation for things It's a fear of my future, and as I already know that I'm not going to accomplish anything much, it's better to get it all over with quickly. There are people who weren't born to live in this world, I think, and I must be one of them...

If anyone feels the same way as me, feel free to respond to the question addressed.
Remember that looks fade. Personality doesn't. In the long run, personality matters a lot more than looks.
 
BrokeN__lil’__girl

BrokeN__lil’__girl

dead_inside
May 10, 2023
309
Not the only reason for wanting to die but one of the main ones. I'm truly sorry. I know how painful it is. A lot of people here does…. I don't want to say any cliches but it is possible to meet someone who doesn't care about money or looks. I lack both either….. try to hold on as much as possible, please. 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷 i really hope you'll meet someone. There's no guarantee but there's a chance!! Wishing you all the best!!💖
 
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Superdeterminist

Superdeterminist

Enlightened
Apr 5, 2020
1,867
Biggest reason for me as well. A solitary life isn't worth living.
 
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