Venting Giving up on "passion"?

[OvercastingClouds]

I'm just gonna be venting my mind off here so yeah.

I'm in a strange state mentally right now, when it comes to having passion about something. I'm unsure if I'm passionate about anything, ever. There's nothing I'm interested in nor motivates me... except for art.

I remember clearly back in elementary school, I wasn't into art much before but after getting access the internet I discovered the online art community which suddenly inspired me to do art. I wanted to to become some good popular artist online. That's what motivated me, for people to see me and say I'm good, to enjoy my stuff. I would draw countlessly when I could, to post it online in hopes of someone noticing my stuff and hoping to get popular, getting inspired by others. Then middle school happened and I got depression. Slowly but surely I drew less and less, and I felt bad I wasn't creating but I had no motivation. Time passed, I grew insecure about my art because I wasn't improving because I didn't draw. I compared myself to others and felt worse. I had nobody who cared about my stuff so I wasn't getting no sense of validation.

I would constantly scroll on social media and seeing others art, how they draw everyday. I get envious, so envious, and I hated myself, because why couldn't I be like them? Why couldn't I be motivated like them? The only thing that reignited my spark a bit was meeting a online frend who was into art. In fact, they wanted to talk to me and liked my art, which motivated and made me happy. I'd draw with them all the time. We became close, met their friend and became a group. However, my depression still got in the way and my insecurities. They are much better at art then I am, they draw everyday and study it, they have a bunch of friends wanting to see their stuff and whatnot. I'm happy for them but a part of me is envious. How good they have it. I'll support them but I feel bad for myself. They're the only people that motivate me to draw because there's no point otherwise. I gave up on the thought of becoming some popular online artist. I want to be able to draw for myself but...I'm not motivated to? I don't understand why.

I feel like this whole time I built that hobby off wanting validation. Was I ever passionate about it? What does it mean to be passionate about something? It makes me sad. I don't want to give up on art, it's pretty much all I have and what I've centered around almost forever. It's apart of me. If I lose that then what am I? Who am i? It's my only sense of identity. I want to create but I want to be seen? I should learn to create for myself but yet I can't find the motivation to. Like apart of me is wanting someone to see and care about it. I was motivated when I thought someone cared about my ideas, or potentially would. I always cared for others work behind the scenes but I was always invisible.

I'm angry. Angry that I ever got depression. I know if I hadn't I wouldn't be like this. Or maybe it's not my depression and me relying on validation as a motivater. I don't know how to change this mindset. I want to be passionate. I want to be like those artist that draw everyday like it's their lifestyle. I want to study, I want to create. I give up too easily due to my high standards in my head and thinking about showing it off.

I have no idea what it's like to be passionate about something. I don't want to give up but I can't do anything.

 

[nooneyouknow]

honestly I cant say much besides I get it, from one artist to another. I get it and Im sorry. if you want someone to talk with more in depth abt this or show off your art, I'm here.

 

[WrathfulGloom32]

The problem with passion and hobbies is that most people NEED to be "forced" to do it as children, we've seen time and time again that children can be made into grandmasters in every activity to ever exist, this is literally a problem with bad parenting and bad nurturing.

Everyone is capable of doing anything in theory, the problem isn't that , the problem is that you've been failed on all fronts and now you have to fight 50 battles at once. My grandparents could probably play video games and do decently well at it with training, do you think they'll even consider putting in effort? of course not. Activities are not impressive, it's just who is lucky enough to be able to afford doing them from either early age or from a place of privilege where they have/always had a good support system and no mental illneses.

I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in, I can't do anything more than feel sorry, that's the truth of it, this world isn't build to repair anything that is broken and doesn't earn money. See how jobs are easy to do , the menial ones at least? that's because society wants even the worst offenders of illness to be able to work , it's disgusting, you could probably work before you could do even your most beloved passion in this world. No support system, no empathy, only competition.


I gave up on all of that, this world can go rot until it becomes hell itself.

 

[MillieXIO]

I'm actually in the same place as you. I think I used to be passionate about art, but I don't really remember. I used to sketch on my assignments, buy pretty sketchbooks, try to learn colored pencils. But just like you, I got depressed and slowly stopped. Now, seeing 15 year old prodigies online, I don't feel quite jealous. I see that, and think inward. I wasted my own potential and killed my own passion. I have no one to blame.
I see my friends art and think "I wish I had their skill." I don't necessarily love their art style, but I can clearly see the difference in knowledge and practice between us. It hurts, not because of jealousy, but because I want to create too.
I think you should re-evaluate the emotions you're feeling. Are you really jealous? Do you want what they have, enough to start disliking the person themselves? Or do you feel sad that you cannot create what's in your head the same way they can? Because that isn't jealousy or envy. Those are linked to negative emotions that you feel against that person (And that's why those things are a sin in the Bible, I'm not super religious but I think it's a fun fact). If your only thought on seeing it is "I wish I could do that, too," that is something else. I can't say exactly what, because I'm not you. I think you should consider it.
What is it you really want from art. Is it really others validation? Or are you insecure in your own ability and need others reassurance to be confident enough to continue?

 

[OvercastingClouds]

I'm actually in the same place as you. I think I used to be passionate about art, but I don't really remember. I used to sketch on my assignments, buy pretty sketchbooks, try to learn colored pencils. But just like you, I got depressed and slowly stopped. Now, seeing 15 year old prodigies online, I don't feel quite jealous. I see that, and think inward. I wasted my own potential and killed my own passion. I have no one to blame.
I see my friends art and think "I wish I had their skill." I don't necessarily love their art style, but I can clearly see the difference in knowledge and practice between us. It hurts, not because of jealousy, but because I want to create too.
I think you should re-evaluate the emotions you're feeling. Are you really jealous? Do you want what they have, enough to start disliking the person themselves? Or do you feel sad that you cannot create what's in your head the same way they can? Because that isn't jealousy or envy. Those are linked to negative emotions that you feel against that person (And that's why those things are a sin in the Bible, I'm not super religious but I think it's a fun fact). If your only thought on seeing it is "I wish I could do that, too," that is something else. I can't say exactly what, because I'm not you. I think you should consider it.
What is it you really want from art. Is it really others validation? Or are you insecure in your own ability and need others reassurance to be confident enough to continue?

I'm not quite sure how I feel. If I'm being honest when I see those who are more skilled, like my friends for example, depending on my mood my mind instinctively gets mad at them but I immediately shut it down and redirect it to myself because only have myself to blame. I don't know what I want with my art really. I would never hate someone for having someone I don't, rather I'm happy forvthem and support them. I want to be able to create what's in my head and not worry about what others think or seeing it, but a part of me also wants to be seen? Rather I think I do want that reassurance after all since I am insecure of my work. However I wish I didn't.

 

[eupdplishlp]

I'm just gonna be venting my mind off here so yeah.

I'm in a strange state mentally right now, when it comes to having passion about something. I'm unsure if I'm passionate about anything, ever. There's nothing I'm interested in nor motivates me... except for art.

I remember clearly back in elementary school, I wasn't into art much before but after getting access the internet I discovered the online art community which suddenly inspired me to do art. I wanted to to become some good popular artist online. That's what motivated me, for people to see me and say I'm good, to enjoy my stuff. I would draw countlessly when I could, to post it online in hopes of someone noticing my stuff and hoping to get popular, getting inspired by others. Then middle school happened and I got depression. Slowly but surely I drew less and less, and I felt bad I wasn't creating but I had no motivation. Time passed, I grew insecure about my art because I wasn't improving because I didn't draw. I compared myself to others and felt worse. I had nobody who cared about my stuff so I wasn't getting no sense of validation.

I would constantly scroll on social media and seeing others art, how they draw everyday. I get envious, so envious, and I hated myself, because why couldn't I be like them? Why couldn't I be motivated like them? The only thing that reignited my spark a bit was meeting a online frend who was into art. In fact, they wanted to talk to me and liked my art, which motivated and made me happy. I'd draw with them all the time. We became close, met their friend and became a group. However, my depression still got in the way and my insecurities. They are much better at art then I am, they draw everyday and study it, they have a bunch of friends wanting to see their stuff and whatnot. I'm happy for them but a part of me is envious. How good they have it. I'll support them but I feel bad for myself. They're the only people that motivate me to draw because there's no point otherwise. I gave up on the thought of becoming some popular online artist. I want to be able to draw for myself but...I'm not motivated to? I don't understand why.

I feel like this whole time I built that hobby off wanting validation. Was I ever passionate about it? What does it mean to be passionate about something? It makes me sad. I don't want to give up on art, it's pretty much all I have and what I've centered around almost forever. It's apart of me. If I lose that then what am I? Who am i? It's my only sense of identity. I want to create but I want to be seen? I should learn to create for myself but yet I can't find the motivation to. Like apart of me is wanting someone to see and care about it. I was motivated when I thought someone cared about my ideas, or potentially would. I always cared for others work behind the scenes but I was always invisible.

I'm angry. Angry that I ever got depression. I know if I hadn't I wouldn't be like this. Or maybe it's not my depression and me relying on validation as a motivater. I don't know how to change this mindset. I want to be passionate. I want to be like those artist that draw everyday like it's their lifestyle. I want to study, I want to create. I give up too easily due to my high standards in my head and thinking about showing it off.

I have no idea what it's like to be passionate about something. I don't want to give up but I can't do anything.

I think humans are designed to be creative. when all we do is consume we get depressed. Creating something in the world is freeing

 

[Zeir Anpin 729]

I wanted to be an animator when I was 14 years old. There where lots of people my age doing it on a website called Scratch. I wanted to get on there too and connect with them and make funny projects and remixed projects and memes and all that stuff. But my mom said no. I was 20 years old when I finally got a computer for the first time. The old urge to animate something or draw an OC feels ancient and like a festering relic from a bygone time period that crumbled into dust and left a haunting specter behind as payment.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Art was effectively what 'saved' me for decades. I used it as a coping mechanism from really early on. For a good long time, I felt like I could be happy if only I got to do it every day- so- as a job. So- most of my concerns were about that. But, I suppose validation is a part of that. People won't pay for it unless they like it to some extent.

But, that in itself was difficult- to find and sustain work. I've been through several periods in life where it looked like I might have to quit. When I did other jobs- like shop jobs that just ate away at my soul and sapped all my motivation.

For me, I found the answer was to do something I could actually fail at. So- eg. a course. An Etsy shop. Something where I had to produce something, otherwise I'd get into trouble. Maybe it's worth looking into that.

The most unhappy I've been in life though is when it looked like I would have to give up on my passion. Weirdly, the last time it was under threat, I suppose I was just so tired of all the worry. I think I must have made my mind to wean myself off the dependency. The irony now is that work did indeed pick up and become safer once more, but I'd managed to somehow kill some of my passion for it. So, I've really just been struggling through the past few years. Still doing it. Still trying to do a good job and caring about not letting people down. But, a lot of the fulfilment has gone.

That said, it was a terrific coping mechanism while it lasted so- I hope you can find your motivation again.