Venting I want people to feel guilty when I CTB

[a_depressed_lizard]

I feel really awful for saying this, but there is a part of me that hopes people feel guilty when I CTB. I've tried to reach out for help so many times and my 'friends' actively avoid me if I'm ever going through a particularly bad depressive episode. All the people who are supposed to care about me and my wellbeing have absolutely no interest in how I'm doing, they only see me as a source of entertainment, and they only ever think about me if they can see me. They have never once texted me, or asked how I'm doing, or checked in on me when I'm genuinely struggling, however they seem perfectly happy to do this with literally anyone else, its just me they seem to have a issue with.

I'm at the point now where, when I do successfully CTB, I hope that they feel guilty. I'm scared that people are just going to say that 'There was nothing we could've done to stop them' you knew that I was struggling, and had been for years, yet you all refused to acknowledge it, and just hoped that there would be someone else around to deal with it.

I'm honestly annoyed that I won't be around to see people reaction to my death, I wish I could see them realise that they should've paid more attention to me. Obviously, I'm not just saying that other people are entirely to blame for it, but I think its a lot less likely that I would be in this position if people tried to help or intervene when I first asked for help, or any subsequent times for that matter

 

[Cryptonite]

Me too.

 

[FuneralCry]

The way that you feel is understandable, I just think the reality is that most people are too self centred to ever care, they are only concerned with their own existence.

 

[filthystray]

Well, they likely will. I feel loved ones or friends want to help but they just don't know how so instead a lot of them will stick their head in the sand and make themselves have faith that it will end up okay. Even if it won't it's just easier to tell yourself it will. Not a good course of action though because when finally something does happen you will replay every sign that someone needed you to help them in your head everyday. Everything you could've done will haunt you forever. But whatever, the people who want to be alive gotta make themselves comfy in the moments you are still here with them I guess... Idk

 

[QteStimBnnuy]

No reason to feel awful about it as it's perfectly reasonable and understandable. You need people to be there and it doesn't help that it takes a while to filter fake friends from casual and casual from the close, close from the real ones. The issue being finding them in the first place. It certainly takes some time, but there's nothing wrong when you've only experienced are those that avoid you, yet may pretend they care in a normal situation. Some may do, but it's just too much for them to deal with. However the reality is, a fair lot of people (specifically ones that don't really care for you) won't feel too much for someones suicide. I wouldn't end up getting obsessed and basing your actual suicide around making them feel guilty- as funny as those plans can be, sometimes it's best to avoid that outcome

Sometimes the best you can do is improve yourself on your own and suffer in loneliness for the people you may find in the future (based on choices n other variables), rather than being dependant on ones that don't care

 

[iLikeFrogs]

Me too, I wish they'll care for once