LonelyKitten
Seeking one final escape
- Aug 13, 2023
- 284
This may be a little abstract, but I've been thinking a lot about just how soothing death's embrace has come to feel.
I've reached a point where I both accept all that has happened the way it did, as well as find a striking amount of comfort from my rope for full suspension hanging.
It could just be that being back in Germany has me subject to the trans-based miseries that directly drove me to the US as a child, and their past versions' shadows.
I can feel my mind slipping back into that fog, into that fear-filled mindset, and it's frustrating, because nothing short of direct action really helps with that.
At the same time, I really miss being near someone I trust that I can hug.
It's been so long since I've had a proper hug... I got to briefly meet and hug my friend in September, though that whole meeting was a disaster... I'm sorry...
I miss hugging my friend... I don't know how much longer the chocolate can substitute for it...
Starting to wonder if the rope 'hugging' my neck may be invoking those former feelings of safe, kind embrace.
I suffocate physically and mentally while I'm here... Passing through the rope here is acceptable if nothing else, but it would be much more peaceful to escape physically, too.
I've reached a point where I both accept all that has happened the way it did, as well as find a striking amount of comfort from my rope for full suspension hanging.
It could just be that being back in Germany has me subject to the trans-based miseries that directly drove me to the US as a child, and their past versions' shadows.
I can feel my mind slipping back into that fog, into that fear-filled mindset, and it's frustrating, because nothing short of direct action really helps with that.
At the same time, I really miss being near someone I trust that I can hug.
It's been so long since I've had a proper hug... I got to briefly meet and hug my friend in September, though that whole meeting was a disaster... I'm sorry...
I miss hugging my friend... I don't know how much longer the chocolate can substitute for it...
Starting to wonder if the rope 'hugging' my neck may be invoking those former feelings of safe, kind embrace.
I suffocate physically and mentally while I'm here... Passing through the rope here is acceptable if nothing else, but it would be much more peaceful to escape physically, too.
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