I want my father to die

[EndlessNight]

Most of my trauma comes from that bastard. When I was little, he would come home drunk and call my mother names, he would beat me for little things, I had difficulties in learning math so he would punch me. He is always cheating on my mother and fighting with her, I grew up in a toxic family where I had to witness their bloody fights every week.
Today he keeps humiliating me, if I get a job that pays me little he humiliates me for it, he always calls me a retard and a loser. I was diagnosed with severe autism and ADHD, he doesn't give a shit and I'm constantly being judged. I have many violent fantasies and lucid dreams where I kill my father in a very slow way; every time he talks to me and humiliates me I refrain from attacking him. I just hate him and want him to die.

 

[Ki_Nam]

My father used to do that too, although he physically abused my mom and gave me psychological punishments. To add to that, I was bullied most of my life (bullying recently started again, and I deserve it all)

But you shouldn't wish for someone else's death on this forum.

 

[Viranamari]

It's despicable that your own father would treat you this way. What more could be expected? It's just how this messed-up world works. Having thoughts of hurting someone or wishing regardless of whether or not they were abusive isn't normal. You might want to consider seeking a professional. Taking away someone's life is unjust. Of course, suicide is a completely different matter. Since this is a suicide forum, I don't want to say much about murder. But you should think of the consequences. Are the consequences of killing a horrible person really worth it? Anyways, I hope things get better between you and your father.

 

[EndlessNight]

Are the consequences of killing a horrible person really worth it?

No, that's why I haven't done anything yet and I don't intend to. But if I could make him just magically die I would without a second thought. Who decide whats fair or not? I don't care either. Worrying about being fair to the wrong people will get me nowhere but more pain.

 

[thisiswhoiam-]

It's easy to say but you should probably distance yourself from him as much as possible. I'm not a professional but i doubt this relationship holds much merit for you. And try not to care about what he says. His opinions don't matter. I don't know what else you could do.

 

[une vie grotesque]

not sure if i can say this but i also hope he dies for your and your mother's sake stay strong, hope you can get out of his reach asap

 

[Pluto]

I support your feelings entirely. I went through a phase of having very violent and gruesome fantasies. I concluded that the only legal/ethical way was to outlive nfather. That way, he could never have the satisfaction of seeing me dead and making himself the centre of attention at my funeral. Though this is really dragging on, sometimes I'm losing stamina and the fucker is still alive. haha

 

[BornHated]

I support your feelings entirely. I went through a phase of having very violent and gruesome fantasies. I concluded that the only legal/ethical way was to outlive nfather. That way, he could never have the satisfaction of seeing me dead and making himself the centre of attention at my funeral. Though this is really dragging on, sometimes I'm losing stamina and the fucker is still alive. haha

The fact that this is so remarkably similar to my situation... I guess OP and us here know what this is about. I'm also waiting to outlive n-mother but dude, 20 more years or so of this house arrest? Humans live so f-in' LONG.
Yeah, no. I get it, I get that people get disturbed by this- but most people simply do not understand what this form of abuse does.

@EndlessNight
Regarding the violent thoughts: I let them happen internally, sometimes I channel and drag out a scene in my mind for what's barely more than a few seconds to a song I like, then focus on the rest of the song on its own or something as it fades. I don't have any advice regarding the physical violence, sadly; and mindset-wise it seems you're set and aware that if you bow to the beast, you'll just get beheaded.

In the darkest hours I remember that no one lives forever, and I know my abuser must face what time will do anyways to all of us. That thought alone grounds me, I hope it helps you, too. I hope things improve- for all of us in this situation.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds beyond horrific what you've had to go through, it's really disgusting how in this hellish world humans create so much harm.