Venting I want my death to make people miss me and think of me

[bugs_for_brains]

I know it's really terrible to even think that. It's not a reason why I would ever actually kill myself and I try to stop thinking like that at all but ever since I became sure that im definitely gonna die via suicide pretty young I fantasise about this a lot.
if anyone is gonna say anything even, please don't criticise me, I honestly feel really sick and disgusting for even thinking this way but I can't get it out of my head so im trying to tell people to make it stop and hopefully make me completely realise how stupid it is.

I'm such a boring and unremarkable person and I have no ability to build relationships or connect on an emotional level with anyone so the thought that I could have these people actually feel something for me and understand that I am/was really a person with complex feelings just like everybody else (especially if im not even there to see it since I don't have to stop them worrying or anything) makes me feel pretty satisfied in an odd way that i dont really understand.

It's not that I want to hurt them, I was never close enough with anyone outside of my family for it to even have that impact, but I just want them to think of me and maybe even talk about me for a second without it being about how stupid or weird or bland I was. Realistically I don't think anybody outside of my household would ever even find out, my family has no friends and neither do I. But maybe somehow people I used to go to school with or something would hear about it. And they'd at least for a moment feel something, I don't even care whether they find it funny or ridiculous or if they feel sad as long as they acknowledge that I chose to kill myself.

I dont know why I keep thinking these type of horrible things. I was always a good kid and even felt too selfish for wanting to die in the first place and now at only 19 I'm already becoming so disgusting and idk I don't wanna write about it anymore but I hope that I will feel better now.

sorry if this doesn't make sense or if it makes me seem terrible. Like I say, I would never actually commit suicide *because* of this but i don't know if that makes it much better

 

[StupidCat]

Suleta :)

 

[Canri]

i feel the same way a lot. i don't think any of what you said is horrible/terrible. it makes sense. i'm glad you shared this despite how you feel about it :)

 

[rozeske]

It doesn't make you terrible. We are all humans and most of us crave to be wanted loved or missed, dead or alive. Sad thing is it would have been better to have had it alive than once we are gone. It wouldn't really matter and when it happens it isn't that genuine or doesn't last that long. Also think of how much we really think of the people that have already gone. It's the cycle of life.