I told my husband

[Foresight]

I've never seen a man sob like that. He had a panic attack. But he can't stand the financial burden I am. He mentions it daily. I can't work anymore. We're trapped.

Now he left. It's 1 am. He left his phone. Maybe he's going to die. I just wanted to let him know. I thought it was more fair than him finding me.

We went back and forth about methods. He told me his gun is a 9mm. I thought it was a .22. I have no idea where it is. He probably has it. He might be dead now. I should've came with him. I don't know.

I feel numb. I'm so numb. This is pre-suicide life when you're trying to do what's right. You're trying to plan these meticulous methods, you're trying to prepare loved ones, you're trying not to be a financial burden anymore, you're trying to not feel the fucking panic from the ptsd or whatever else is eating you alive anymore. It just boils over right before the end.

I hope he doesn't have the gun. He'll shoot the temple, not in the mouth. Plus I love him, would he do it without telling me? I was trying to not do that to him. I hope he comes home.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

You are both wanting to CTB?

I'm jealous you have a potential convenient partner in that

 

[Chronicillness]

You told your husband that you want to CTB? Sorry just trying to understand the post better.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I....am so terribly sorry to read this. I too hope everything is OK with him. Not sure of what else to say, but I felt I had to say something. I truly hope it works out for the better soon. Hugs.

 

[Foresight]

You are both wanting to CTB?

I'm jealous you have a potential convenient partner in that

We met on SS subreddit. We decided to recover. I have an issue that's unfixable though. I might not have much time left.

He wants to wait longer.

You told your husband that you want to CTB? Sorry just trying to understand the post better.

I'm sorry, my mind is not well so I don't communicate well. Yes, I told him I was considering methods and might use my tax return for N. He panicked.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

I've never seen a man sob like that. He had a panic attack. But he can't stand the financial burden I am. He mentions it daily. I can't work anymore. We're trapped.

Now he left. It's 1 am. He left his phone. Maybe he's going to die. I just wanted to let him know. I thought it was more fair than him finding me.

We went back and forth about methods. He told me his gun is a 9mm. I thought it was a .22. I have no idea where it is. He probably has it. He might be dead now. I should've came with him. I don't know.

I feel numb. I'm so numb. This is pre-suicide life when you're trying to do what's right. You're trying to plan these meticulous methods, you're trying to prepare loved ones, you're trying not to be a financial burden anymore, you're trying to not feel the fucking panic from the ptsd or whatever else is eating you alive anymore. It just boils over right before the end.

I hope he doesn't have the gun. He'll shoot the temple, not in the mouth. Plus I love him, would he do it without telling me? I was trying to not do that to him. I hope he comes home.

I'm sorry you feel like a burden. I always felt that way. My parents were always stressed about money but they couldn't stop having kids. Now my mom has money but she still guilt trips me for needing help. No one should have to feel that way. I would rather know if I was your spouse. I'll pray he's ok.

 

[summers]

All I can say is I hope you have a chance to talk before either of you take your trip. I know it's an impossible situation - no fairy tale endings unfortunately.

 

[Chronicillness]

We met on SS subreddit. We decided to recover. I have an issue that's unfixable though. I might not have much time left.

He wants to wait longer.


I'm sorry, my mind is not well so I don't communicate well. Yes, I told him I was considering methods and might use my tax return for N. He panicked.

No need to apologize. I inferred that from your post, just didn't want to comment without being sure of it. Trust me, my brain is scrambled and fried. You articulated yourself more than well enough. I used to post on the OG SS subreddit, too. Sorry to see that you weren't able to make a successful recovery. It's a shame that even after all these years, that dormant suicidality still haunts us; and I am sorry that life has not self-corrected itself enough to show you (us) the leniency that you (we) so desperately beg for.

 

[Foresight]

I'm sorry you feel like a burden. I always felt that way. My parents were always stressed about money but they couldn't stop having kids. Now my mom has money but she still guilt trips me for needing help. No one should have to feel that way. I would rather know if I was your spouse. I'll pray he's ok.

It's the worst feeling. I'm so sorry because it's worse when it starts in childhood. I've felt it my whole life but I'm so tired. I'm tired and I have severe ptsd mostly derived from experiences at work.

He came home.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

It's the worst feeling. I'm so sorry because it's worse when it starts in childhood. I've felt it my whole life but I'm so tired. I'm tired and I have severe ptsd mostly derived from experiences at work.

He came home.

Glad to hear he's back.

 

[S like Siren]

Oh...:( i'm so sorry to read this...i hope he will come home soon...he is at home,glad to read it

 

[Crazy4u]

checking in. a few hours passed. did he come back home?

 

[Foresight]

checking in. a few hours passed. did he come back home?

Yes, he did. He wants me to stay. I guess he's just going to have to cope with me being unemployed for now.

To speak on my recovery, my quality of life is low. No matter how much I want to live I have a facial disfigurement that keeps me locked in the house and causes severe work problems. It's not fixable (we've tried) and the public are brutal to me about it. So I either find acceptance of that (which I've never managed to do) or the issue will forever come back up.

It's easy for me to want to live when I'm locked inside but life pushes you outside and that's when I realize ctb is the only real option. Money is running low, that's why the pressure is building and that's why I needed to speak to my husband because my existence costs him.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can imagine it must be a painful situation to be in. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

Yes, he did. He wants me to stay. I guess he's just going to have to cope with me being unemployed for now.

To speak on my recovery, my quality of life is low. No matter how much I want to live I have a facial disfigurement that keeps me locked in the house and causes severe work problems. It's not fixable (we've tried) and the public are brutal to me about it. So I either find acceptance of that (which I've never managed to do) or the issue will forever come back up.

It's easy for me to want to live when I'm locked inside but life pushes you outside and that's when I realize ctb is the only real option. Money is running low, that's why the pressure is building and that's why I needed to speak to my husband because my existence costs him.

I'm sorry people are mean to you. That is horrible. Are you able to do remote work or work in a warehouse where you don't come in contact with the public? Are coworkers mean to you to? I'm so sorry…humans are awful

 

[Foresight]

It's more than mean. I can't even describe the treatment. It's like a horror movie and I'm the bad guy.

I'm going to try remote work. I'm just tired at the moment.

 

[Someone123]

Yes, he did. He wants me to stay. I guess he's just going to have to cope with me being unemployed for now.

To speak on my recovery, my quality of life is low. No matter how much I want to live I have a facial disfigurement that keeps me locked in the house and causes severe work problems. It's not fixable (we've tried) and the public are brutal to me about it. So I either find acceptance of that (which I've never managed to do) or the issue will forever come back up.

It's easy for me to want to live when I'm locked inside but life pushes you outside and that's when I realize ctb is the only real option. Money is running low, that's why the pressure is building and that's why I needed to speak to my husband because my existence costs him.

It is so terrible how mean people are about disfigurement; I learned a little about this when I went from clear skin to an extremely bad breakout for one summer due to an infection; most people treated me so much worse I was just shocked- the person inside is what matters most in my opinion, but so many people don't act like that.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

I had a really bad eczema rash on my face before and it got infected because I got a cold at the same time and was blowing my nose constantly. It almost ate my face off. I was afraid to go out and my bf thought I was being ridiculous but apparently I was right to be scared. Fortunately it healed and I just have a little bit of scarring.

 

[Gordy99]

I'm not trying to directly compare your situation to what I experienced but I figured I would share anyway. In my mid 20's I had upper jaw surgery (S.A.R.P.E.) and orthodontics to fix an open bite and cross bite. The orthodontist inserted a palate expander prior to the surgery. After the painful surgery I would have to use a special key to turn the palate expander. Long story short...I was left with a giant gap in between my two front teeth. It literally looked like I was missing my two front teeth. The braces I had afterwards slowly corrected the issue. I spent about 1 year and 6 months getting stared at by people and made fun of. It was horrible and people didn't understand what I was going through. It's like they thought I had an issue and wasn't taking care of it or something. People can be brutal.

I wish you the best.

 

[Foresight]

It helps to hear others have an idea of what it's like. It's a very coldly isolating experience.