Olivie_420
King of self-sabotage 🥲
- Mar 13, 2024
- 11
This might not reach anyone, but Ive been needing to say the whole story for so long. Im scared if I tell the people in my life they won't understand, because that has happened before.
I'm turning 19 in 3 days, but for the longest, I haven't been ACTUALLY living. The past year has been me living a lie. I'm a trans man who has had to live as a cis women in able to live in safety. I was disowned for a myriad of reasons by my family over a small fight. They tried to pin serious allegations, was threatened, etc before they said they wanted nothing to do with me, and in the past with my family, it has always been a history or manipulation and child abuse. My boyfriend, his family that has been helping me so much by providing me a place to stay and food to eat, are AFRICAN AMERICAN Trump supporters. I live in a room 24/7 with him, and rarely go outside due to my mental health, and a new stemming fear of being outside. I've been trying though for the past 3 weeks to go out at least once a week. I have none of my documents (they were kept hidden from m all my life), money, anything.
Everyday I walk on eggshells to try and keep this man happy, so I have a chance at living stress free and not worry about getting kicked out from here either. I have given this man my body, life, and soul for almost a year, cannot talk about things I enjoy in fear of making him angry, and when he is angry, he shuts me off from everything I enjoy, including even talking to him. Every day he swears he loves me and I'm the one for him, but he flaunts things he likes in others that I do not have. Big ass, green eyes, red hair. I barely eat because all my bites are met with "big back" remarks, everything I wear has to be HIS "normal" (baggy, hoodies, etc), and everyday ends up in tears for small reasons like asking him a question, trying to just TALK to him, or being "too affectionate".
For the past few weeks though, I've known something was terribly wrong. I love this man so much and because of how long I've stayed I don't know what I'd do without him. He has an iphone and at the beginning of what we had, I found he redownload the dating app he found me on, but when confronted he deleted it right away. Earlier this April, I found out through his phone, and when he tried to lock everything, his APPLE WATCH, that he has been texting and sending nudes (which the first she send to him was her playing with a bloodied coochie) to a woman. And for the past few nights, he's tried to lock, and set his phone on her MULTIPLE CONTACTS to only show him her msgs for a select amount of time, then his phone deleted it. I've been staring at his apple watch every night and crying when she texts him. Im not only losing the love of my life to her, but I'm losing myself to him.
There has also been times where we have gotten into unnecessary fights and he has broken the only thing I have left of my dead grandmother, and has bruised me badly multiple times.
This morning my suspicion was confirmed that he may actually be meeting her IN PERSON while I am asleep or while he's at his night shift happens, where I had to pop 3 large bumps from his lips.
I honestly don't know what to do or who I am anymore, and I never had intentions on living even this far, or living at all. I've been at my lowest point now than ever, and I've been trying to distract myself from all the chaos by planning my birthday. But I don't want to live up to 19 anymore.
I'm turning 19 in 3 days, but for the longest, I haven't been ACTUALLY living. The past year has been me living a lie. I'm a trans man who has had to live as a cis women in able to live in safety. I was disowned for a myriad of reasons by my family over a small fight. They tried to pin serious allegations, was threatened, etc before they said they wanted nothing to do with me, and in the past with my family, it has always been a history or manipulation and child abuse. My boyfriend, his family that has been helping me so much by providing me a place to stay and food to eat, are AFRICAN AMERICAN Trump supporters. I live in a room 24/7 with him, and rarely go outside due to my mental health, and a new stemming fear of being outside. I've been trying though for the past 3 weeks to go out at least once a week. I have none of my documents (they were kept hidden from m all my life), money, anything.
Everyday I walk on eggshells to try and keep this man happy, so I have a chance at living stress free and not worry about getting kicked out from here either. I have given this man my body, life, and soul for almost a year, cannot talk about things I enjoy in fear of making him angry, and when he is angry, he shuts me off from everything I enjoy, including even talking to him. Every day he swears he loves me and I'm the one for him, but he flaunts things he likes in others that I do not have. Big ass, green eyes, red hair. I barely eat because all my bites are met with "big back" remarks, everything I wear has to be HIS "normal" (baggy, hoodies, etc), and everyday ends up in tears for small reasons like asking him a question, trying to just TALK to him, or being "too affectionate".
For the past few weeks though, I've known something was terribly wrong. I love this man so much and because of how long I've stayed I don't know what I'd do without him. He has an iphone and at the beginning of what we had, I found he redownload the dating app he found me on, but when confronted he deleted it right away. Earlier this April, I found out through his phone, and when he tried to lock everything, his APPLE WATCH, that he has been texting and sending nudes (which the first she send to him was her playing with a bloodied coochie) to a woman. And for the past few nights, he's tried to lock, and set his phone on her MULTIPLE CONTACTS to only show him her msgs for a select amount of time, then his phone deleted it. I've been staring at his apple watch every night and crying when she texts him. Im not only losing the love of my life to her, but I'm losing myself to him.
There has also been times where we have gotten into unnecessary fights and he has broken the only thing I have left of my dead grandmother, and has bruised me badly multiple times.
This morning my suspicion was confirmed that he may actually be meeting her IN PERSON while I am asleep or while he's at his night shift happens, where I had to pop 3 large bumps from his lips.
I honestly don't know what to do or who I am anymore, and I never had intentions on living even this far, or living at all. I've been at my lowest point now than ever, and I've been trying to distract myself from all the chaos by planning my birthday. But I don't want to live up to 19 anymore.
