Venting I thought I was so close...

[thebookofdisquiet]

Earlier this year I did a test to get a job at a national bank here and I did well and really thought that I'd get in, move away from home to whatever place they send me, receive my first payment, buy everything that I need and die. I could already feel the relief, the comfort of the certainty, months away.

But no, I wasn't good enough and didn't get the job.

Everything was put on pause because I decided on the exit bag method and is impossible to do it now (the plan B is buying a scalpel and stabbing my femoral, I'm really underweight so it's pretty easy to feel it but I don't want pain/missing the artery and being unable to walk in case it goes wrong/getting caught), so I can only continue living here with my parents and studying for other positions (that I'm still waiting to open, no one knows when the tests will occur).

To be honest, I'm completely empty inside. I'm not devastated because of my life stagnation since I have no dreams, plans, wishes...I don't want or enjoy or appreciate anything anymore, not here and now. The best moments of my day are the ones that I'm completely dissociated while reading/looking at paintings/listening to music and then daydreaming about it, living happily inside of what I imagine.
No, I'm devastated because Thursday was my birthday I didn't feel anything but exhaustion, I'm so tired of existing, of BEING, and I thought I was so close to the end...

Oh well. Maybe I'll wait miserably until I finally get a job and then I'll be gone as soon as possible. Or maybe I'll suck it up and go with plan B.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly understand feeling so tired of existing here, I get that it's so dreadful feeling trapped here when you just wish to leave, to me existing really is completely undesirable. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for, best wishes.

 

[thebookofdisquiet]

Update: I'm going to take advantage of the fact that is easy to get SN here and make it an option. I always avoided anything that'd go into my digestive system because of my emetophobia but I'll try to be a big boy and fight it. + I have tons of antiemetics at home.