I think this evening..

[Ssrejisser]

How are you @Seaghost?

 

[Seaghost]

Thx I'm fine for my situation :).
It seems everything gets a little bit better. I often try to go for a walk in the near forrest of the hospital.
And thx to a new smartphone contract I,ve got a Huawei p30pro. It's camera makes a lot of fun.
Currently I just enjoy such little things.

 

[Halo13]

Thx I'm fine for my situation :).
It seems everything gets a little bit better. I often try to go for a walk in the near forrest of the hospital.
And thx to a new smartphone contract I,ve got a Huawei p30pro. It's camera makes a lot of fun.
Currently I just enjoy such little things.

That's really great to hear!

 

[Seaghost]

Yesterday the doctor of our station told us that a female patient has comitted suicide.
They gave us no more info about the incident.


For me I'm asking myself why it wasn't allowed to me to die but a mother with two children can that thing pull through...

 

[Halo13]

Yesterday the doctor of our station told us that a female patient has comitted suicide.
They gave us no more info about the incident.


For me I'm asking myself why it wasn't allowed to me to die but a mother with two children can that thing pull through...

Wow! I wonder how she did it. Are you doing alright otherwise? Hugs.

 

[Alec]

Yesterday the doctor of our station told us that a female patient has comitted suicide.
They gave us no more info about the incident.


For me I'm asking myself why it wasn't allowed to me to die but a mother with two children can that thing pull through...

I hope you are well, and I hope these news haven't stopped you from feeling better. I'm sorry she had to do that, I hope she's at peace now and is in a better place and in a better life.
P.S. I'm happy you are enjoying things like a new phone with a cool camera and walks in the forest :)

 

[Seaghost]

Hey Guys.

Yes I think shes at a better place :). My thoughts are with her and the children.

It's fluctuating. Yesterday my mood goes down near the core of the earth. Ctb Feeling was really strong. Got an extra Tavor but didn't create miracles. This had nothing to to with the suicide of the other patient.
Had that feeling like a few days before tried to ctb the last time.
Sadly the new phone couldn't help.
Sincw yesterday the apartment of my me and my Ex is gone. Now I'm officially homless. My stuff is in a storhouse. Waitin with me for a new apaetment...a single appartment.
My Ex called me later and told my how the apartment handover go off.
It was horrible to hear her voice.Most of all I wanted to pull her right through the phone give her a kiss and never let her go...

 

[Halo13]

Hey Guys.

Yes I think shes at a better place :). My thoughts are with her and the children.

It's fluctuating. Yesterday my mood goes down near the core of the earth. Ctb Feeling was really strong. Got an extra Tavor but didn't create miracles. This had nothing to to with the suicide of the other patient.
Had that feeling like a few days before tried to ctb the last time.
Sadly the new phone couldn't help.
Sincw yesterday the apartment of my me and my Ex is gone. Now I'm officially homless. My stuff is in a storhouse. Waitin with me for a new apaetment...a single appartment.
My Ex called me later and told my how the apartment handover go off.
It was horrible to hear her voice.Most of all I wanted to pull her right through the phone give her a kiss and never let her go...

Aww I'm so sorry you're going through this, wish I could hug you through the screen! Can the hospital staff help you with resources for finding housing? Sending you good energy.

 

[Seaghost]

Thank you very much .

Yes they're helping me.

Tje ctb feeling is getting stronger.
Maybe with the saved money while I'm in hospital I can get Nembutal or nitrogen.
Time will tell. But my heart don't like time nor waitin.

 

[fisil]

I like your blog posts. Keep it up.

 

[Seaghost]

Hmmm. I didn't thought it could be seen as a blog. Maybe the mods don't want that.
Dear mods give me a sign if it's not okay to continue posting my experience.

But thank you fisil.

It's geetin warmer and humidity is rising too. Don't like that
The whole station is almost empty. They all try to enjoy the "lovely" weather.
I can't assess my mood currently. I want to call my mother after this posting and later have walk in the forrest.

 

[AutumnEmbers]

Hmmm. I didn't thought it could be seen as a blog. Maybe the mods don't want that.
Dear mods give me a sign if it's not okay to continue posting my experience.

But thank you fisil.

It's geetin warmer and humidity is rising too. Don't like that
The whole station is almost empty. They all try to enjoy the "lovely" weather.
I can't assess my mood currently. I want to call my mother after this posting and later have walk in the forrest.

I can relate to your dislike of hot, humid weather. It's so uncomfortable and makes it even more difficult to sleep. I really hate this time of year.

I'm glad you seem to be holding up. I like to read your updates too and can't see any reason why the mods would have a problem with them (not that I can speak for the mods). I hope things get better for you soon. Good luck.

 

[Halo13]

I suppose it has become a bit of an informal blog of sorts. I'm not a fan of the warm weather either but the forest walk sounds nice

 

[Roger]

What do you mean when you refer to "station"?

 

[throwaway123]

Well I don't know what to say. I'm feeling I'm in a bubble.
Sometimes the bubble gets chapped and dark things are commin in. Dark things then already in it.
I hope all things stop and I can breath. But it don't seem so. I have to carry on

Trust me I know excaclty how you feel.

 

[Halo13]

Thinking of you @Seaghost :)

 

[Seaghost]

Hey guys,
it's been awhile since my last written words.
I had much to do and there was a running battle me vs. orderly. A few of them including the station line are not able to help patients. No empathy just acting like robots or kindergarten teacher.
I had a few crisis. Couldn't move hands and arms awhile. They didn't help me...
So i wrote a complain letter to the chief doctor and managing directors. Just wanted to get some help and to be taken seriously.
After that not much happend. Just mobbing from the nurses and I had to go on july 4th...my personal independenc day...
Beside if that unnecessary war I had to get an accomidation. Only some days before my release I could get a place in assisted living.
But cause of my attemped suicide they get scared and they sent me to an extremly low threshold assisted living.
That was too much for me. After on night in there I flet to an ex fellow patient. There I'd ve been fallin in a deep dark hole and the whole bandwith of suicide thinking came back.
So went back to the hospital begging for help but they were full and now I'm in another hospital. Thinking about whats called my "life" and why I'm here on earth.

Edit:
On septembre 1st I could get a place in commune with other ex fellow patients.

And I want my ex girlfriend back like never before...

 

[Seaghost]

A new day has begun.
I'am waitin.
But for what? The doctor? The thing that's called life?
Yesterday I wrote my ex that I'm sorry for expect of my attempt du die.
She answerd lovely whishing me the best.
I want her back but I leave her in silence with that topic.

I do not know if its the best to get SN. I know nothing. So I'm vegetating and do play-act for others.

Sin?
On this side I'm trying to be good. Facing against depression and other taints.
Than the feeling's changing.
I have that feeling I deserve the pain. It is good for me gettin injured. Thats how it has to be...

 

[Halo13]

You have had a wild ride here these last weeks. Must be extremely stressful.

Are you thinking of going in September? Is it possible to stay in the hospital until you are able to get the housing? Nice to see your ex was kind at least. I do not think it's good you were injured though it is common to play-act for others, especially the doctors. I hope you're not doing too badly today

 

[Seaghost]

Indeed!
This rollercoaster drive eat up my remaining energy.

The doctor gave me the feedback I can stay here for approximately four weeks.

This afternoin two new friends of the other hospital visited me.
It was great to see them but when they were gone I felt this feeling of death comes out of my deepest soul. So go to the nurse, spoke a bit and get some tranqulizer which is called Atosil in germany. That helped :).

Later I orderd two books by amazon.
1. Tibetan Dead Book
2. The Savoy Cocktailbook

Should be here tomorrow.

When I still was with my girlfriend. Cocktail mixing was my hobby since 1,5years but it can be expensive if you like to make a good drink.
So when I'm at the commune I will resum my hobby once more :D.
Thats the plan. Hope it'll be working as it should...

Thank you all for the nice words and the thumps up and hug smilies.
And thank you for reading my - not always the best and no native speaker- english

 

[Soul]

Be gentle with yourself, @Seaghost.
Is the commune a good place to be - will you feel comfortable there, do you think?
I bought the Tibetan Book of the Dead recently too. Let me know what you think.
(((Hugs)))

 

[foxtail]

I feel your pain Seaghost. My fiancee left me when I needed her the most and I too can't go back to my own apartment because everything remind me of her.

I had a rough childhood so I worked very hard to pursue happiness. My hard work did paid off, I got a great job, a beautiful girl, and I'm finally happy, but just like that I will soon lose everything because of some bullshit I definitely do not deserve. I always try to be a good/decent person, worked harder than all my co workers, treated my girl like a princess, but when life comes at you, there is nothing you can do.

I lost my best friend to depression just a year ago. Last month was his death anniversary, it's also the month when my life start to fall apart. It almost felt like all this is meant to be, something is pushing me to go. Yea, I'm very tired, I lost faith in live and I'm done with this cruel world. What hurts me the most is my fiancee. I might be able to fight this through if she decided to stay with me but she left. I know if we switch roles, there is no doubt in my mind I will do anything to help her get through this terrible nightmare. I guess you can't expect people to do the same as you would, even the person is someone you cared for and loved for many years. She came from a wealthy family, beautiful, and well educated. I know it won't be long before she fall into someone else's arm and that kills me especially now I'm powerless.

So tired, I rather leave all my money to family before I lose it all.

I'm also thinking about using burning charcoal method but looks like it's low success rate. Maybe I will risk it try to get N instead.

 

[Seaghost]

@ Soul
Yes I think it'll be comfortable for all of us. I visited the building site of the house and it looks pretty good. We'll be five persons. The house will have three bathrooms, completely new windows, new roof insulation, new heater and new radiators :). And maybe we'll get a beamer instead if a regular TV. The house is located in quiet side street.
But all of this won't help if the soul is damaged too much. We'll see what this live section will bring.

Yes for sure I'll give you a summary of the book...if I am able to understand it :).

@ foxtail
Thank you :).

You have my best whishes.
Love can be a great a*****. I hope you'll find a way to get your love of your life back.

Imho I don't think death is the end of it all. So I guess carefully that your best friend is
looking to you even if you can't see him.

Meanwhile I think that I had to left the room of death cause by the powder coating of the grill surface. So my body recognized there's something in the air.
OR
the coal wasn't evenly heated.
Some kind of benzo and it should work..
BUT
if money isn't your problem you should go for N :).

 

[foxtail]

Meanwhile I think that I had to left the room of death cause by the powder coating of the grill surface. So my body recognized there's something in the air.
OR
the coal wasn't evenly heated.
Some kind of benzo and it should work..
BUT
if money isn't your problem you should go for N :).

Thank for your kind word @Seaghost. Yea I have the money for N and more but I'm concerned about run into legal issue. That's last thing I want to deal with right now, already have a lot on my plate. I see there are people in Canada successfully received N but there are also people got into trouble for it. I assume custom will probably check package from Mexico that has liquid content. Haven't look into SN method yet, I assume that would be easier to obtain. For now, charcoal is still my main method. My friend CTB'd with partial hanging, not sure how painful that is, maybe I will give that a try as well. I see people here did some experiments and it's not that bad. I had a brief attempt few weeks ago but didn't go through with it. I used a strong cable and it hurts my neck. Well that's before I did any research and landed on this forum.

 

[Aliaiactaest]

I had a rough childhood so I worked very hard to pursue happiness. My hard work did paid off, I got a great job, a beautiful girl, and I'm finally happy, but just like that I will soon lose everything because of some bullshit I definitely do not deserve. I always try to be a good/decent person, worked harder than all my co workers, treated my girl like a princess, but when life comes at you, there is nothing you can do.

Foxtail, don't know much about you but the outlines of our story are similar. I worked hard to find happiness and did. I was successful. Married twice. But things change.

 

[foxtail]

Foxtail, don't know much about you but the outlines of our story are similar. I worked hard to find happiness and did. I was successful. Married twice. But things change.

Yea, I feel you @Aliaiactaest. It's crazy how fast our life can turn into complete shit in a very short period of time. We work hard, we do everything right, but in the end, we can't fight our fate no matter how unfair how injustice it is. When you're that numb and just tired of everything, exiting is the only comfort.

 

[Halo13]

Yea, I feel you @Aliaiactaest. It's crazy how fast our life can turn into complete shit in a very short period of time. We work hard, we do everything right, but in the end, we can't fight our fate no matter how unfair how injustice it is. When you're that numb and just tired of everything, exiting is the only comfort.

Very true words, unfortunately.

 

[Seaghost]

Another day in paradise.
I'll get other drugs. Some old will be tapered off.
I wanted to test another medicament but sadly the doc said I'll have to mange this after the hospital stay.
But hey where can I find better conditions than in an hospital?!
Also we talked about my black hole inside of me. I know this thing since I'm a child. Well it seem this is beside my suicide feelings the point I have to work on while I'm at the hospital.
Interestingly I got some "homework": I have to name pro and contra why its worthwhile to stay on this planet.
Heavy but good stuff Imho.

And so the wheel of time turns on and on and on. And thus lovely blond women is always in my heart. It's so sad I could not give her what she wanted and needed.
So I was an egoist on one side and simultaniousely I was not. Just try to survive and do not do so much harm...
...when I read the last sentences again I beginn to understand why I failed for her.
Sad. It's just sad...I'am the son of my mother. Don't wanted to be like this...sweard that to me in my childhood. Now I've done
similar things to the best human in my life. The love of my life.
Livin' my life sin after sin...Poisen were right...

 

[Halo13]

How are things going, @Seaghost ?

 

[Seaghost]

Had to leave hospital at the end of july..Had to come back the same day.
Tried to manage all. They were very kind to me. Tomorrow is.my release.
Opend pandoras box at the weekend. Tried to be brave and strong. Didn't work. Collapse at the hospital. Yesterday they said to me, its possible to stay one or two weeks more. Sounds satisfying...
Today I'd been told that I can't stay longer.
My bed has already been "sold" to the next patient.

Emptiness with tavor. Chemistry against surviving life. Bigoted.

Hope you're ok halo13 or at least at a place where you find peace.